Tag Archives: Denver

A Lovely Evening Out Without Your 2.5 Children (Copper Kettle Brewery, Aurora)

4 May

After re-reading the blog and remembering how hilarious we were, mine and Lisa’s determination to drink was renewed, and we decided that it was time to come out of winter hibernation and hit a brewery. And seeing as a new brewery was opening down south, we thought that would be a good place to start.

Copper Kettle Brewery is  owned and operated by husband-and-wife team Kristen Kozik, the manager, and Jeremy Gobien, the brewer. They had been homebrewing for several years, with such a positive response to their beers that they decided to open their own brewery.

(For anyone that’s ever worked with their spouse I hope you realized that it is a horrible idea and bailed before you ended up single and/ or unemployed. Sadly for these two they didn’t, and now have to combine two of the what could be possibly the worst things in your life togeher: marriage and work. It could only be worse if they had their kids there too. –Lisa)

Located in an unsuspecting business park, we weren’t sure what to expect walking inside. In the past, it seems like most start-up breweries are more on the casual, bare bones side- meaning that there’s not much to see besides the basics of tables, chairs, a bar and taps. So we were pleasantly surprised at the décor of Copper Kettle. The space was fairly big, with lots of tables, and a very pretty copper bar that probably cost more than any one item in my entire house.

Behind the bar were shelves stocked with pint glasses and growlers, all with CK’s logo. The bartenders all had matching shirts which in NO WAY helped that EVERY person working had a twin! Doppelgangers galore! (We spent half the evening playing ‘Guess Which Ones are the Owners’ which was harder than it seems because everyone looked the same. –Lisa).

This phenomenon became more clear later when we later found out that rather than hire real bartenders they flew in all their siblings and siblings begrudged spouses, and moms that didn’t actually drink beer to work for them for the night. (Although it was really cute when Jeremy’s mom told us how excited she was, and how she used to try his beers he brewed in the garage.)

Overall, the place was impressive- in an “our golden retriever has a more golden coat coat than your golden retriever” kind of way. Clearly there was some serious cash and planning that went into opening the brewery, and so we had high expectations for the beer. (I mean c’mon, the brewer has a PhD. Nine years of schooling better make you be able to do something other than pay off student loans for the rest of your life. –Lisa)

The  beer selection was pretty expansive for a startup. There were six beers to try, and several more that would be available on tap the following weekend. We were disappointed that the Mexican Chocolate Stout wouldn’t be available until the 30th, but figured that it gave us a fantastic reason to come back.

It should also be mentioned that the beers came with place cards as if you were at a wedding. This also meant that they could easily be switched up (which they were) to trick you into thinking you were drinking a beer that you actually weren’t.

With the classy décor and wall decorations, this bar makes you feel like you just walked into someone’s living room who lives in the Westwoods/Ralston Valley area. You know, the type of people who have a sitting room AND a living room (or den, as they would call it, because that’s where the TV and unsightly children’s toys go).

Looking around, we felt out of place. In general, most of the time I feel like the type of person who wears nerdy glasses that are slightly askew and randomly has spaghetti, lettuce or some other sort of food in my hair. And that wasn’t the type of people there.

Everyone around us seemed to be in their late 20s-early 30s, and VERY suburban. These were clearly the type of people who had left their 2.5 children at their brand new, cookie-cutter house with a babysitter to enjoy a night out (and be home comfortably by 11).  These were the type of people who wouldn’t have an apartment, but instead a “loft” and enjoy art gallery openings and running.

"Your pearl necklace looks lovely with your beige sweater with a modest neckline"

This was a couple that was the quintessential patrons that night. Note the Columbia outerwear and their generic looks. As we took secret pictures, we created an elaborate backstory for them.

We decided their names were Dave and Sara, and that they had been married for about 5 years. He works in accounting, and she is a legal assistant. They own a dog-most likely a medium-sized mutt- that they got at an animal shelter. They recently moved to Aurora, because they want to start a family in the next year or so, and wanted a house for the kids to grow up in.

There were tours of the brewery, and by tours, we mean that people were lurking by the brewery door, and then the owner was kind of showing them around with a really excited look on his face.

We enviously looked through the glass as these people learned about the brewing process and ingredients

Kristin, one of the owners (but made clear on the website that she is second in command to her husband), stopped by and asked how the beers were. Instead of asking a bunch of witty and cool questions and telling her that we thought it was awesome that they opened such a nice brewery, we instead panicked and incoherently mumbled until she walked away (probably regretting opening a brewery because weirdos were attending her opening).

This was our reaction to the owner talking to us

Now, for the beers, which all had German names, which was delightful. Except for the Hefeweizen, because they are NEVER delightful.

Bavarian Hell’s Helles- This was a golden blonde lager, but we felt that the name was misleading. You would think that something with “hell” in the name would leave you feeling like you’d been punched by your beer. In this case, it was more of a casual lager.

“I’m giving it a four. And I don’t normally give blondes 4s.”

“That’s what she said.”

Lisa- 4 boobs

Julia- 3 boobs

Dusseldorf Altbier- This was a very bitter beer.

“Normally I would only give it 3 boobs, but because it has an unlau, I’m giving it a side.

2 and a side boob

Summer Ale- This ale was a light colored beer with an orange and coriander flavor. The best way to describe it is that it was a better tasting Blue Moon. Like a Blue Moon after you squeeze 2-3 oranges into it.

4 boobs

Copper Mezzina Ale- This beer was definitely interesting. We expected it to taste a little like sucking on a penny, which it didn’t at all. Instead, the aftertaste kept changing.

3 boobs

Saison Savoreaux- This is the beer that was the winner of the home brew contest. If that’s the case, I don’t even want to know what the other entries tasted like. This is their version of a hefeweisen, which meant that we hated it. It tasted like cloves and bananas and sweaty armpit, as was expected. We seriously don’t know why EVERY SINGLE BREWERY insists on making this type of beer.

“I don’t really know how to properly pronounce the name. But it doesn’t matter, because I won’t ever be ordering it again.”

1 boob

OTHER AWESOME THINGS TO NOTE:

  • Copper Kettle has a monthly brewer’s club. It’s simple- every time you buy a beer, you get a punch on a card, and then once you have enough punches you get your own glass, beer discounts, and invitations to exclusive events, like getting to try the beers early. This is the first time we’ve seen a small brewery do something like this and we thought it was a great idea.
  • One of the bartenders heard us making gagging noises as we drank the Saison, and he asked us what was wrong, then offered to get us a different beer if we didn’t like it.
  • Then he looked confused when we yelled at him and told him that we were going to finish it, even if it made us want to die.

Inappropriately making out with strangers? Check. (DOs and DON’Ts for Great American Beer Festival)

13 Sep
The level of happiness this inspires is more than Christmas, Disney World, and finding a basket of puppies on your doorstep combined.

These puppies wish they were going to Great American Beer Festival

The festival coincides with Denver Beer Week, which means that there will be beer-related events going on around the city all week. Here’s a list of the cooler things there are to do. Awesome events range from beer ice cream to beer movies to beer fly fishing (which is weirdly really expensive).

As Lisa and I begin gearing up for the awesomeness that is GABF, I began imparting the wisdom that I learned last year to Lisa, since this will be her first year.

Also, GABF is sold out, so sorry to all the suckers who didn’t get tickets in time. We’ll have a tiny sample of beer for you.

The following are the DO’s and DON’Ts for having a wonderful experience at GABF.

DO buy extra tickets early

When the event inevitably sells out, people will be scrambling on Craigslist to get tickets and for some reason are willing to pay much more than the price you bought the tickets at. God bless price gouging.

You can also buy tickets for friends/boyfriends in advance and sell them the day before the event for twice the price you paid. You’r going to lose a friend/boyfriend but really, what friend/boyfriend is worth more than $100 in your pocket?

DO make a necklace of pretzels in advance

When you’re drunk, it’s a nice surprise to have. If you get good pretzels, they can also be used for bartering. Lisa suggested that this year we make dresses out of pretzels. The jury is still out on if this would be a great idea or a terrible one. (By the end of the festival not only will you be full of beer and pretzels but you’ll be too drunk to even realize that you’re naked and covered in a variety of different people’s saliva. – Lisa)

This was an amateur attempt. This year, the pretzels will be bigger, and there will be more.

DO make sure to stay out of the way of cameras

This is important for two reasons.

1. You’re drunk. You’ll look like an idiot and whatever you have to say won’t be insightful (or even coherent, most likely).

2. If you happen to be making out with someone who you aren’t dating, and the person you’re dating randomly happens to see you on TV, it doesn’t end well.

DO get there early

The lines get long really quickly, and the earlier you get there, the more time you have to make fun of idiot groups of middle-aged men who are all wearing t-shirts with dumb sexual innuendos on them. Also, the sooner you get in to get beer when the doors open.

This is a shining example. Who comes up with this? Better yet, who is dumb enough to buy it?

DO figure out your transportation/lodging in advance

I would strongly suggest getting a hotel room downtown within walking distance or bribing one of your friends to come pick you up afterwards. Although a hotel is more expensive, it’s sometimes easier to book than it is finding a sober friend on a Saturday night (Or, if you’re Lisa, you gypsy-trick someone from your mantourage into chauffer duty).

DO practice for the big day

Although it seems like 2 oz samples of beer are going to take forever to get your drunk it’s not true. Prep for the event by having a five hour Power Hour with your friends for several nights leading up to GABF.

Motivational threats are always a good way to practice.

DON’T drop your beer. It’s humiliating

Hilarious for all of the people around you as they boo you, but humiliating for you. Find some way to attach your cup to you. Create a necklace with a cupholder. Buy a rubber bracelet to put around it. Or, wear a shirt that creates just enough cleavage to keep your cup in.

Practicing for the big event

DON’T hit on guys at booths by telling them they look like Carson Daly

This confuses/insults them and then they usually don’t give you free stuff. And in some cases, it turns out that they know your boyfriend and then it’s weird.

I would take it as a compliment if someone told me I looked like a manorexic, ex-MTV VJ who has a talk show no one watches and clearly hates his life

DON’T hook up with anyone at the end of the event

When everyone is kicked out of the convention center, there is usually a large crowd gathered outside the entrance looking confused. Everyone has the Jersey Shore “Nobody is ugly after 2 AM” mentality, however it’s only 10 PM. Don’t let your beer goggles fool you, and avoid making out with anyone.

Not only is this true, but you'll feel even more pathetic when you realize you picked up a grenade before 10.

DON’T drink more at the bars downtown afterwards

Because you will regret it in the morning. Just say no, and instead go home with the person you just met outside the festival, at least you know they have good taste in beer.

See you all on Saturday!

Boobs on the Road (Brewery Schedule)

25 Jun

So after a wasting a humiliating amount of time trying to figure our how to integrate a Google Calendar into WordPress I’ve conceded that its impossible. Here’s the tentative schedule of which breweries we’ll be visiting this summer.

If you’re thinking of asking one of us to dinner, don’t bother. But, if you’re thinking of asking BOTH of us to dinner we suggest taking us to one of these places that aren’t scheduled but are on the list of breweries to be visited.

Breweries Yet to be Scheduled

Flying Dog

Vine Street Pub
Bull and Bush
Upslope
Cheeky Monk
Pints Pub
Mountain Sun

May 15
Oskar Blues

June 17
Tommyknockers

June 19

Avery Brewery

Walnut Brewery

June 26
Coors

Golden City Brewery (rained out)

July 3 and 4
Wynkoop (still need to do a brewery tour)
Great Divide
Sandlot

July 9
New Belgium
Fort Collins Brewery

July 17 and 18
Breckenridge Beer Fest!!!!
Breckenridge Brewery
Dillon Dam
Backcountry Brewery

July 22
Strange Brewing Company

July 24
Wynkoop Tour

July 31/Aug 1
Pumphouse
Left Hand

August 8
Estes Park
Twisted Pine

August 14
Anheiser Bush
Odell’s Brewery

August 21
Del Norte
Dry Dock

August 28

September 18
Great American Beer Festival

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