Tag Archives: Coors

Gypsy Trickery in Golden COORS BREWERY, GOLDEN

7 Jul

Word of the Week- Gypsy Trickery

If you recall, this phrase was used in the Avery Post. You may have wondered exactly what it meant, and, seeing as that weekend (and this whole week, really) have been filled with gypsy trickery, we thought we should explain.

 Have you ever been tricked into doing something because you thought is was something else? Did someone guilt you into going somewhere awful? Have you ever been lured somewhere under false pretenses? Do you not pay taxes anywhere because you’re a vagabond? THIS IS GYPSY TRICKERY.

We spent the afternoon at the pool, which backfired horribly when we realized that Coors only gave tours until 4 pm. We booked it down to Golden (which, by the way, there is no easy way to get there from Westminster) and showed up about 30 minutes before the last tour bus left.

The nice parking attendant directed us to the line, while I panicked that we weren’t going to make it before the tours closed.

Julia: "What is this?" Amber: "That's a line. Also known as a queue in the UK"

Since we had some time to kill, we began taking pictures with the Coors sign as though it was a celebrity.

We started a trend. Everyone else after us started taking this same picture.

In line, we discussed the merits of bringing children on brewery tours, since they seem to be plaguing us wherever we go. The general consensus was that children don’t belong on brewery tours, and if you as a parent are dragging them along it doesn’t make you “cool” or “hip”.

It pretty much just means you’re setting your child up to be a drunk frat boy, or a drunk whore who those frat boys will sleep with.

It also proves that you as the parent either got pregnant too young and are now attempting to squeeze every last ounce of your youth out of your life but are too cheap to afford a babysitter or you actually think bringing your child to an alcohol factory is a good “family” activity. Either way, it’s a shame you were allowed to procreate anyway.

She'll probably make many, many men very happy someday

*Also, as the sign below reminds us, you cannot bring in more things for your child than necessary. I accidentally loudly made a comment questioning how I was going to use my pretend child as a liquor mule if I wasn’t allowed to bring a diaper bag. (It’s awfully troubling that Coors felt the likelihood of parents using their children as alcohol smuggling devices was so great it warranted a sign to prohibit it. –Lisa)

We actually didn’t have to wait for too long. Coors is really good about continually having busses picking up and dropping people off from the brewery. At first we thought it was strange that they were sending a bus to drive us about two blocks from the parking lot, but as soon as we boarded it became clear this was a gypsy bus.

“Welcome to Golden, Colorado, home of Coors Brewery, Buffalo Bill’s Grave and the School of Mines. On your left, is Olde Town Golden…blah blah blah.”

We had been gypsy tricked into going on a tour of Golden (which is not that exciting, hence the trickery to get anyone to do it.)

Lisa got gypsy tricked into sitting alone on the bus

About 10 minutes later we finally pulled up in front of the brewery, I told Amber that from now on, every time someone gets in my car for me to drive them anywhere, I’m going to take them on a tour of Arvada and my childhood, regardless of where our destination is.

The bus driver assured us that the pools of water surrounding the brewery that actually looked more like black tar were NOT used to make the beer but instead to clean things. Phew. How horrible would that be if a Coors beer actually had some flavor to it?
The first thing we had to do when we were inside was take a tourist picture in front of a cheesy background that we could buy at the end of our tour for the low, low price of 19.99!!

Then, they swiped our driver’s licenses and gave us personalized bracelets (which could double as hospital/prison admittance bracelets later in the day depending on how the tour went), and what looked like cell phones from the 80s.

I'm going to have to call you back. I need to crank the battery in the backpack for my phone so it doesn't die.

These turned out to be our tour guides for the day. The desk lady explained that we were supposed to press the number that coordinated to whichever one was on the wall and put the phone up to our ear to hear what they had to say.

The information probably was interesting, but I honestly don’t see how self-tours benefit Coors. Most of the people around us weren’t listening to any of the stops. They were instead rushing to the three free beers at the end. In fact, there was even an option at the start of the tour to forgo the 80’s cell phone tour guide all together and just meander to the tasting room for the free beer. If they really want to make the tour more interesting they should hold races to see who can run past the educational exhibits and drink all three free beers the fastest (bonus points for knocking the most small children into vats of beer along the way!)

However, we took the time to kind of do the tour. This is what followed.

  • Did you know that Coors is made from water from the Colorado Rockies? You probably could’ve guessed, since ALL OF THEIR BEER TASTES LIKE WATER.
  • There are a bunch of flowers all over the brewery because Adolph Coors’s wife really liked flowers.
  • Large boobs are great places to hold things.

We had to figure out some way to juggle our drinking, purses and 80s phones

  • There are subliminal messages in the self-tour. Whenever the man doing the voiceover would mention a Coors beer, a softer woman’s voice would immediately whisper it afterwards. Lisa and I both heard it. Amber didn’t. I guess we know which one of us is going to end up in a cult drinking Kool Aid someday.

What's that, lady's voice? You want me to do WHAT?

  • The Coors Brewery in Golden is the largest self-contained brewery in the world. This means they do all of the brewing, packaging and distribution from there. Which is kind of cool.
  • Acid might be the secret ingredient in their beer. Okay, probably not, but this room was hilarious.

I just bought you these flowers to apologize for the acid spill...

  • There is an elusive Red Keystone. The only place you ever hear about it is the brewery. It’s not sold anywhere. No one knows why this is. And I couldn’t ask, because the 80s cell phone wasn’t answering ANY of my questions.

They cryogenically froze the last one, so that they could bring it back to life in the future, when they have the right technology

Finally we found some really awesome cutouts of giant Coors beer and the proper tourist picture taking commenced. We even talked a stranger into taking the picture of us and didn’t end up with them asking us if we stalking them OR them walking away horribly offended!

These were really cold. You can tell, because the mountains on the bottle are blue

We also came up with the best Halloween costumes ever. Lisa, Amber and I are going to be Slutty Keystones.

 

Amber: “I’m going to be Key Light because I go down easy”

Lisa: “I’m going to be Key Red because I’m a tease”

Julia: “I’m going to be Key Ice, I guess…because no one likes me?” (Picture me looking sad)

 

Finally we reached the mecca of shitty beers- otherwise known as the Coors Tasting Room. You get 3 free, pretty decently-sized beers. They’re all on tap and you’re supposed to be impressed because they’ve never left the brewery. It was kind of crowded, you have to finish one beer before they’ll give another, and old ladies will poach your table as soon as you get up, even if you’re planning on coming right back. Did we mention there’s small children running around making messes everywhere? Thanks again responsible parents!

Now, for the beers. Keep in mind we spent most of college drinking an array of Coors products. These are the staples that we compare all of the other beers we drink to, so the descriptions were incredibly hard.

Blue Moon- It tastes like Blue Moon. It’s a light, wheat beer with just a hint of citrus to it. Best served with an orange. It’s a good staple beer if you’re at a bar with limited choices and you want to be slightly classier than everyone else, but not too douchey.

Amber and Lisa- 2 boobs

Julia- 3 boobs

Honey Moon- This is just like Blue Moon, only sweeter.

“I expected to get stung by a bee. It was THAT sweet.”

3 boobs

Molson- “It takes like Key light, only Canadian. Yeah. You know what I mean.”

1 boob

Batch 19- This is their strongest beer. It’s still not great, but it gypsy tricks you into thinking it’s better than it is because it gets your drunk quicker.

2 and a side boob

*Note, we’ve added side boobs into the equation. We don’t believe in half boobs, because that’s dumb, but side boobs make sense. It’s when you’re shirt is just a little too small and you get that weird amount of boob that kind of spills out the side. See: Lisa most of our time in Vegas.

Killians- It’s a red beer, and it definitely tastes like copper.

“For a beer that’s never left the brewery, I expected this to be better.”

2 boobs

Colorado Native- this is the newest beer from Coors, and they’re pretending that it comes from some small, side brewery in the middle of the mountains. It’s their shot at a “craft beer” because they realized that they weren’t going to be able to cut it in Colorado anymore. It’s a solid, mass-produced beer.

“I can’t tell if it’s good or not. It might be like being the smartest kid on the short bus…”

3 boobs

Our outing ended with a stop at the gift shop, where we realized we were JUST drunk enough that buying stuff seemed like a good idea. Gypsy tricked again.

Thanks to Amber for being a guest boob. And for not smashing things when you got angry.

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