Tag Archives: colorado breweries

I have a Disney shirt. I wear it when I don’t want to get laid. (TWISTED PINE, Boulder, CO)

10 Aug
Going to CU for 4 years meant that we have become familiar with several of the small liquor stores in Boulder, and even if they didn’t carry a lot of craft beers, we would always notice the Twisted Pine as we passed it over for our 30 rack of Keystone Light. So, on a weekday night, we decided to take a trip up to Boulder to go to the Twisted Pine Brewery.

The taps are really cool- they're all made from Twisted Pine

We ended up getting there about an hour before closing, and besides the hillbilly party happening on the front patio, the place was deserted. After apologizing to the bartender for coming in so late and promising to be gone before it closed, we awkwardly took a seat at the table and ordered one of the larger samplers we’ve seen at a brewery.

AMAZING

What’s nice about the taproom is that not only are there generally specials going on most nights, but they also have a food menu. Sadly, there was no specials nor food the evening we were there (because it was so late). Dan looked like he was about to murder me and Lisa when our waitress informed us of the food situation, since the only reason he went was because we promised him a meal.
Instead, he had to settle for chips and salsa, which he ate as though his life depended on it.

Although, he's so skinny his life actually MAY have depended on it.

It was around this time what we realized he was wearing a Disneyland  t-shirt.

The most magical place on Earth!

This led to a LONG discussion about Disney, if it’s fun to go as an adult (its not due to the fact that there would be children EVERYWHERE), and Lisa asking why anyone over the age of 5 would wear a Disney shirt.
“I have a Disney shirt. But I wear it when I’m not planning on getting laid,” I said. And then it got awkward AGAIN. (And it’s true. The shirt is a pink tank top with really thick shoulders and I look like a linebacker lesbian when I wear it).
(If you’ve already used the “I have a headache” card this week try putting on a shirt that reminds a man of children and you’re off the hook for sex. –Lisa)
After consoling Dan that he wasn’t going to get laid that night by anyone (which almost turned out not to be true), we encouraged Lisa to continue drinking. It was taking so long to finish the samples that I started to get bored.

I hope there’s a coupon for a Disneyland vacation in here! 
Since I couldn’t drink very much because I was driving, and Dan refused to touch the samplers after we drank from them because we have cooties, it fell on Lisa’s shoulders to take one for the team and finish the beers. We challenged her to finish them before closing (which was about 9 minutes away).
15 beers. 9 minutes. Very doable. I’ll never turn down a beer drinking challenge even if vomiting is imminent. – Lisa

This was true dedication

She almost made it, and finished a minute after 9.

We attempted to get a picture of the hillbilly party, but instead ended up with what would make a fantastic engagement picture

Then we left to go get real food, and were sexually harassed while waiting at a light by a car filled with unattractive people. The girl in the front who resembled a well-groomed horse kept hooting at Dan, the one in the back kept making crying noises like a baby and we all looked horrified, especially when the one male in their car suggested that we do a lady swap.
One gentleman and 3 unattractive ladies ≠ one gentleman and 2 attractive ladies.
NO swap was made despite their repeated efforts.
As soon as the light turned green, we sped off, only to be stuck at the following light next to them again. To this day, if anyone mentions Twisted Pine the response is, “Oh yeah! That was the night that Julia was a shitty driver and we almost got molested. 3 times.”
If ever a justification to run a red light with cameras, this was it. -Lisa
Now, for the beers.

Boob Ratings

Blonde Ale – Crisp, light taste

Lisa – 3 boobs
Julia – 4 boobs

RM Wheat – Tastes the same as the blonde but with a little more bite in aftertaste which overall doen’t make it a very good beer

Lisa – 2 boobs
Julia – 3 boobs

Raspberry Wheat – This ACTUALLY tastes like the fruit it says it does ( take note Fort Collins Brewery Pomegranate Wheat beer).  This beer is pretty good for a fruit beer as long as you don’t have anything to compare it to. (Which, unfortunately we did because we’d been drinking Sea Dog Raspberry Wheat by the pool the previous weekend)

Julia and Lisa – 3 Boobs

American Amber – For an amber, this started off pretty good. It didn’t have that bitter, copper taste that ambers are known for. But it was a gyspy trick.

“I don’t hate it…. Oh wait. There’s the aftertaste”

Lisa – 4 boobs

Julia – 3 boobs

Hoppy Boy – This is the regular IPA of the brewery which would be ok had they not had their Hoppy Man Imperial IPA that was twice the beer that this one was. We’ll choose a man over a boy any day.

“That’s what happens when you get smarter. You like IPA’s”

Julia and Lisa – 2 boobs

Raspberry Espresso – This was a combination of their raspberry beer and also their expresso stout (hence, the name.) We were really excited about it, because who doesn’t love weird beer combinations? Unfortunately, the raspberry gets overpowered COMPLETLTY by the Espresso flavor.

Key takeaway from this beer:  A brewery should try to refrain from combining two beers into one even if they are fantastic standalone beers.

Julia and Lisa – 1 boob

Honey Brown Ale – Nice. Smooth. Nutty and Brown.

Julia and Lisa – 3 boobs

Creamy Style Stout – This was a good beer. It was dark and smooth and just slipped down your throat. Unfortunately, I dislike beers that have the word “milk” or “cream” in their name. Something about the texture is unnerving.

Julia: “I don’t like stouts that are too smooth”.

Lisa: “Prepare to be terrified”

Julia – 2 boobs
Lisa – 4 boobs

Espresso Stout – Strong Black coffee taste. We still have out doubts that this was actually a beer or not. If we could start our mornings off with this beer, we would.

Julia – 3 and a side boob

Lisa – 4 boobs

Blueberry Blonde – This is like eating a blueberry muffin except better. Anything is better with alcohol, especially baked goods. But seriously, the blueberry flavor was robust and lingered. And not in a bad way.

Julia – 4 boobs

Lisa – 4 and a side boob

Billy’s Chilies – Taste like a green chili burrito however it smells like butter. Anyone that’s ever ventured outside of the 3 refrigerators at a liquor store that contain the staple beers has probably seen this beer and didn’t know it was from this brewery. It barely says the brewery name on the bottle, and doesn’t follow the branding scheme but it worth trying if you’re in a daring mood. We also don’t recommend a 6-pack of these unless you have 5 friends to share them with or you are truly a Mexican that is sustained by spicy chili products.

3 and a side boob (mostly for creativity) 

Imperial Porter – AMAZING. So much alcohol but tastes like chocolate ice cream. 10.5%

Dark bitter taste. Thick like you could make pudding out of it. And who doesn’t <3 pudding?

Barelywine (Thunderstruck) – Sour, potent 9.5%

Julia – 2 boobs

The beer was named after an AC/DC song, so Lisa drank it in a rocker fashion.

Le Petit Saison – Stella glass. Everything we hate about hefferveisen beer.

1 MOOB 

Imperial IPA – Crown Jewel. Hoppy Man. Manly Strength. There should be a warning on this beer that it WILL dominate you.

Julia and Lisa – 4 boobs

Because we liked the Imperial IPA so much we wanted to have a represetative picture of the Hoppy Boy and the Hoppy Man.

Parking Your Porsche Diagonally = Not Getting Laid Tonight (DRY DOCK BREWING COMPANY, Aurora)

20 May

For those of you generally quit reading within the first paragraph and don’t ever make it to the description of the beer, this isn’t the post to do that on. If anything, stop reading now and skip to the descriptions.

For those of you that just go for the boob/beer pic, you’re lucky enough to get TWO shots this time,  so you might want to move on as well.

For the one reader we have remaining with the attention span longer than 47 seconds (who is probably either dating one of us or trying to) here’s the story with this brewery.

We visited Dry Dock Brewing Company after going to Crate and Barrel and picking out matching napkin holders. Actually it was Copper Kettle Brewing Company but the experience is pretty much the same. Needless to say, with no male tricked into driving us one of us had to drive (not me!) I was *forced* to drink almost all the beer so this brewery got a bit hazy for me and resulted in multiple instances of vomiting (You should pity her. Our nights generally end with me yelling “Drink! We don’t leave any beer behind!” She’s such a trooper. –Julia).

Most notably when driving up, this brewery had the douche of all douches at it.  A Porsche (not even a very good one) was parked diagonally across two spots so that no one could park by his car and it would remain scratchless. Naturally, since we’re assholes (especially when we’ve been drinking a bit), this display of douchery was not going to fly. (Should we have shown more empathy because the poor man probably had a small penis? Maybe. –Julia)

After first parking CORRECTLY in the spot next to him we decided it would be MUCH more fitting to follow his lead and ensure that Julia’s Honda Civic also did not get any door dings.

NO ONE TOUCH MY CAR!!

As we parked, then backed out to repark to ensure that we were no more than 6 inches away from his precious Porsche, we noticed a man that must have been The Douche get up and stand in the window to stare at us intently. His face quickly twisted with anger  when I hastily opened the door with no regard for what is certainly the only thing he has in his life worth anything.

If he hadn’t left before us I would have  force vomited right next to his car just for funsies. Instead, he left before us and Julia’s car was left alone. Making it look like she was either a terrible lady driver, or a TOTAL baller. (I hope that this made people question what was so special about my car that I felt the need to park sideways. –Julia)

What up bitches? That's right, this is a 1998 Honda!

After waiting at the bar for an unreasonable amount of time we were finally given two pieces of paper with a drawing of a paddle to write the names of the beers we wanted for our samplers. Illiterate people should steer clear of this brewery as you will leave defeated and thirsty. They give you the beer on a paddle with holes in it for the beers to fit in which is clever since the whole theme of the brewery is nautical related. Which led to me exclaiming by the end of the evening, ”This brewery is wonderful! And makes me want to f*ck a sailor!”

Rowing my way to a table to sit at

They have glass windows so you can see into the whole brewing area and see what happened to be the unfortunate brewer that was there when we were.

What's that? More secret pictures? This time of men with unfortunate hairstyles?

Since they had a lot of beers we had to take breaks in between drinking.

BREAK #1

Vomit break so I could keep drinking the rest of the beers (She politely and calmly excuses herself too. –Julia)

BREAK #2

Vomit break with some champion rallying so I could finish all the beers

BREAK #3

Checking out the hot bald bartender and trying to take a pic of him since a hot bald man is VERY rare.

This sailor got a formal invite to swab my deck anytime

There were a lot of beers to try so we had two paddles.

Beer Descriptions!

Breakwater Pale Ale- Not as bitter as most pales.
J & L- 2 boobs

HMS Victory ESB – We were worried it would be terrible since ESB stands for Extra Shitty Beer. It starts out good, but then the end wasn’t great. Very malty.

3 boobs- still awful, but better than other ESBs

U Boat Hefeweisen- Waves of disgusting. It took everything that we hate about these types of beer (banana and cloves) and somehow enhanced it.

MOOB. In fact, this beer was the Porsche of Moobs.

“Who likes the Germans, anyway? Except Matthew McConaghey. He’s hot and on a U-Boat.” (U571 reference)

Paragon Apricot Blonde - It smelled beautiful. The beer is light and delicious, and the apricot flavor tastes natural and overpowers your palate to just the right amount. As far as fruit beers goes this is a winner that even devout IPA drinkers (like myself) will admire.

4 AND A SIDE BOOBS

“I wish I knew what a paragon was. I want to have sex with it.”

HMS Old Ale - In general, we don’t like things that are old. That was just a phase. One that we realized wasn’t going to work out because either they tricked us into thinking they were fun but turned out to be 30 and boring, or that they wanted to have children and settle down and THAT certainly wasn’t going to happen. This beer tasted like raisins. Wrinkly old raisins.

2 boobs

Enterprise IPA- slightly hoppy. Not the best IPA, but nowhere near the worst.

3 boobs

Vanilla Porter- This beer BLEW OUR MINDS. It was like drinking vanilla extract. It was smooth and bursting with flavor.

4 AND A NIP SLIP

Double IPA - ??? We wrote nothing for this probably because we were both still speechless from the Orgasmic beer we had just had a small cat fight over who would get to finish it. (‘Why didn’t one of you just order that as another beer?’ you might be asking. I don’t know. Because. –Julia)

3 boobs

Belgian IPA- “I hate it. If I hadn’t just thrown up, I would have to now. It tastes like the swill of the Hefeweisen.”

MOOB

Pilsner- this is another beer that was just there. Don’t know if we’re just getting too used to specialty beers that we can’t tell when we come a cross a really good one anymore.

2 and a side

“It’s a pilsner. It’s a waste of time and water.”

Daywalker Ginger- This wins for the best name of a beer. It smelled like a spa (in a good way). It wasn’t bubbly and looked like juice. The ginger taste is strong. Good beer to swipe our Firk-card. At least we thought, until we realized that it wasn’t the Firkin Beer (It was a letdown that only sad virgins who don’t want to admit they’re virgins and pretend that oral counts as swiping their v-card then are found out and mocked know) .

4 boobs. This beer will need to go head to head with the Mountain Sun ginger beer.

We learned a valuable lesson about secret pictures at this brewery being that if the flash goes off, its no longer a secret picture. Especially when you’re sitting by the full length window and think it’s hilarious that there’s a guy smoking on a table while middle-aged women flock around him.

Standing on a table while smoking a cigarette does not make smoking any more attractive

A Lovely Evening Out Without Your 2.5 Children (Copper Kettle Brewery, Aurora)

4 May

After re-reading the blog and remembering how hilarious we were, mine and Lisa’s determination to drink was renewed, and we decided that it was time to come out of winter hibernation and hit a brewery. And seeing as a new brewery was opening down south, we thought that would be a good place to start.

Copper Kettle Brewery is  owned and operated by husband-and-wife team Kristen Kozik, the manager, and Jeremy Gobien, the brewer. They had been homebrewing for several years, with such a positive response to their beers that they decided to open their own brewery.

(For anyone that’s ever worked with their spouse I hope you realized that it is a horrible idea and bailed before you ended up single and/ or unemployed. Sadly for these two they didn’t, and now have to combine two of the what could be possibly the worst things in your life togeher: marriage and work. It could only be worse if they had their kids there too. –Lisa)

Located in an unsuspecting business park, we weren’t sure what to expect walking inside. In the past, it seems like most start-up breweries are more on the casual, bare bones side- meaning that there’s not much to see besides the basics of tables, chairs, a bar and taps. So we were pleasantly surprised at the décor of Copper Kettle. The space was fairly big, with lots of tables, and a very pretty copper bar that probably cost more than any one item in my entire house.

Behind the bar were shelves stocked with pint glasses and growlers, all with CK’s logo. The bartenders all had matching shirts which in NO WAY helped that EVERY person working had a twin! Doppelgangers galore! (We spent half the evening playing ‘Guess Which Ones are the Owners’ which was harder than it seems because everyone looked the same. –Lisa).

This phenomenon became more clear later when we later found out that rather than hire real bartenders they flew in all their siblings and siblings begrudged spouses, and moms that didn’t actually drink beer to work for them for the night. (Although it was really cute when Jeremy’s mom told us how excited she was, and how she used to try his beers he brewed in the garage.)

Overall, the place was impressive- in an “our golden retriever has a more golden coat coat than your golden retriever” kind of way. Clearly there was some serious cash and planning that went into opening the brewery, and so we had high expectations for the beer. (I mean c’mon, the brewer has a PhD. Nine years of schooling better make you be able to do something other than pay off student loans for the rest of your life. –Lisa)

The  beer selection was pretty expansive for a startup. There were six beers to try, and several more that would be available on tap the following weekend. We were disappointed that the Mexican Chocolate Stout wouldn’t be available until the 30th, but figured that it gave us a fantastic reason to come back.

It should also be mentioned that the beers came with place cards as if you were at a wedding. This also meant that they could easily be switched up (which they were) to trick you into thinking you were drinking a beer that you actually weren’t.

With the classy décor and wall decorations, this bar makes you feel like you just walked into someone’s living room who lives in the Westwoods/Ralston Valley area. You know, the type of people who have a sitting room AND a living room (or den, as they would call it, because that’s where the TV and unsightly children’s toys go).

Looking around, we felt out of place. In general, most of the time I feel like the type of person who wears nerdy glasses that are slightly askew and randomly has spaghetti, lettuce or some other sort of food in my hair. And that wasn’t the type of people there.

Everyone around us seemed to be in their late 20s-early 30s, and VERY suburban. These were clearly the type of people who had left their 2.5 children at their brand new, cookie-cutter house with a babysitter to enjoy a night out (and be home comfortably by 11).  These were the type of people who wouldn’t have an apartment, but instead a “loft” and enjoy art gallery openings and running.

"Your pearl necklace looks lovely with your beige sweater with a modest neckline"

This was a couple that was the quintessential patrons that night. Note the Columbia outerwear and their generic looks. As we took secret pictures, we created an elaborate backstory for them.

We decided their names were Dave and Sara, and that they had been married for about 5 years. He works in accounting, and she is a legal assistant. They own a dog-most likely a medium-sized mutt- that they got at an animal shelter. They recently moved to Aurora, because they want to start a family in the next year or so, and wanted a house for the kids to grow up in.

There were tours of the brewery, and by tours, we mean that people were lurking by the brewery door, and then the owner was kind of showing them around with a really excited look on his face.

We enviously looked through the glass as these people learned about the brewing process and ingredients

Kristin, one of the owners (but made clear on the website that she is second in command to her husband), stopped by and asked how the beers were. Instead of asking a bunch of witty and cool questions and telling her that we thought it was awesome that they opened such a nice brewery, we instead panicked and incoherently mumbled until she walked away (probably regretting opening a brewery because weirdos were attending her opening).

This was our reaction to the owner talking to us

Now, for the beers, which all had German names, which was delightful. Except for the Hefeweizen, because they are NEVER delightful.

Bavarian Hell’s Helles- This was a golden blonde lager, but we felt that the name was misleading. You would think that something with “hell” in the name would leave you feeling like you’d been punched by your beer. In this case, it was more of a casual lager.

“I’m giving it a four. And I don’t normally give blondes 4s.”

“That’s what she said.”

Lisa- 4 boobs

Julia- 3 boobs

Dusseldorf Altbier- This was a very bitter beer.

“Normally I would only give it 3 boobs, but because it has an unlau, I’m giving it a side.

2 and a side boob

Summer Ale- This ale was a light colored beer with an orange and coriander flavor. The best way to describe it is that it was a better tasting Blue Moon. Like a Blue Moon after you squeeze 2-3 oranges into it.

4 boobs

Copper Mezzina Ale- This beer was definitely interesting. We expected it to taste a little like sucking on a penny, which it didn’t at all. Instead, the aftertaste kept changing.

3 boobs

Saison Savoreaux- This is the beer that was the winner of the home brew contest. If that’s the case, I don’t even want to know what the other entries tasted like. This is their version of a hefeweisen, which meant that we hated it. It tasted like cloves and bananas and sweaty armpit, as was expected. We seriously don’t know why EVERY SINGLE BREWERY insists on making this type of beer.

“I don’t really know how to properly pronounce the name. But it doesn’t matter, because I won’t ever be ordering it again.”

1 boob

OTHER AWESOME THINGS TO NOTE:

  • Copper Kettle has a monthly brewer’s club. It’s simple- every time you buy a beer, you get a punch on a card, and then once you have enough punches you get your own glass, beer discounts, and invitations to exclusive events, like getting to try the beers early. This is the first time we’ve seen a small brewery do something like this and we thought it was a great idea.
  • One of the bartenders heard us making gagging noises as we drank the Saison, and he asked us what was wrong, then offered to get us a different beer if we didn’t like it.
  • Then he looked confused when we yelled at him and told him that we were going to finish it, even if it made us want to die.

There’s a DAM lack of boobs in this post! (DILLON DAM BREWERY, Dillon)

8 Sep
This was a record setting weekend.
  • Record number of guest boobs (6)
  • Record number of breweries visited in a 24 hour span (3)
  • Record number of beers tasted in one day (probably around 100)
  • And, for being at the Dillon Dam Brewery at 11:30 on a Sunday morning, the record for the earliest time to start a brewery visit.

I didn’t add that in to brag or to solidify the point that we do in fact have a serious obsession with beer because frankly that statement just makes us look like alcoholics. I really wanted to demonstrate with that point is both Julia and myself have an extreme dedication to this summer mission (we’ve both listed “dedication” as a personal strength on our resumes as a result of this).

After a long day of hanging out with a menagerie of strangers we had just met, two breweries and bar hopping, it wasn’t surprising that most of the members of our party were exhausted the morning after. Except for Juli and I. Just after waking up, Julia almost immediately began navigating our way to the Dillon Dam Brewery. The convo in the room went something like this:

Julia: “Ok looks like we’re only a few miles away from the brewery.”
Megan, Mandy and Amber: “There’s NO way I’m drinking today.”
Me: “I’m excited.”
Julia: “Me too. Get ready, we’re leaving.”

In general we try to stick to the “socially accepted” rule of no alcohol before noon aside from the occasional Bloody Mary or Mimosa but these were dire circumstances and we HAD to visit the brewery before we left. It was a really good thing we made time because this was one of the only breweries that we actually enjoyed EVERY beer.

That’s right, no sour faces, pictures montages of looks of disgust after taking a drink and no beers left undrank (which frankly has actually only happened one other time. We aren’t wasteful people when it comes to alcohol).

As Amber, Julia and I were sitting waiting for the beer to arrive, it was pointed out that I was still wearing my bracelet from the day before. Julia pointed out that it featured the DUI attorney’s number on it, just in case (we did have a LONG drive home).  We sat for about 30 minutes waiting for Mandy and Megan to show up (we were fairly certain that we had been stood up) which included several awkward conversations with our waiter, as we kept reassuring him  that we did need a table for six, and our friends would be there “any minute.”

While waiting, Julia and Amber decided to forgo any sort of real substance and instead order massive desserts.

Like this cobbler.

And this brownie. And they didn't share.

In stark contrast to Breckenridge brewery, our waiter was not only helpful but pleasant to be around. He only gave us 2 pitying looks about almost being stood up, and even offered for us to talk to the brewmaster. Instead our laziness led us to just take a picture of the brewing area where the brew master was probably at.

This was the ONLY brewery that I contributed anything more than dressing appropriately for the boob/beer picture and drinking the beer – I took two pictures! (And you won’t see either of them, because she can’t find them. Thanks for trying, though. –Julia)

Julia thought she should take a picture of me, taking pictures

The brewery was delightful because most things are just referred to as Dam. You could get shirts, cups, mugs, hats and pretty much anything with a dam inappropriate remark on it.

And now the beer, which as previously mentioned was VERY high ranking on our overall satisfaction of beers at breweries.

Delightful. All delightful.

Hefe weizen – This looks like a murky lake. Citrusy, like orange juice and beer . Only with a small armpit aftertaste.

4 boobs because it’s the only hefeweizen we like but we still don’t REALLY like it.

It merited its own picture, since we actually liked it.

McLurhr’s Irish Stout – Has nitrogen in it which gives it good head. Much more alcoholic tasting than other stouts.

4 boobs – pototent, powerful, flavorful

Sweet George’s brown – Tastes like a stout but not as smooth. Tastes like candy.
3 boobs

Extra pale ale – Full – bodied, nice flavor afterwards

Damn straight lager – Doesn’t taste like a lager. We finally found an Amber we like!

Lisa – 3 Boobs

Julia – 4 Boobs

Damn Lyte – Lightest in color, calories and alcohol.
“I already don’t like it because it’s light in alcohol.”

Bitter. More so than other pales.

Paradise Pilsner – Just kind of there. Not too notable.

2 Boobs

Wilderness Wheat: Hint of grassiness but still good.

3 boobs

There's a DAM lack of boobs in this post! (DILLON DAM BREWERY, Dillon)

8 Sep
This was a record setting weekend.
  • Record number of guest boobs (6)
  • Record number of breweries visited in a 24 hour span (3)
  • Record number of beers tasted in one day (probably around 100)
  • And, for being at the Dillon Dam Brewery at 11:30 on a Sunday morning, the record for the earliest time to start a brewery visit.

I didn’t add that in to brag or to solidify the point that we do in fact have a serious obsession with beer because frankly that statement just makes us look like alcoholics. I really wanted to demonstrate with that point is both Julia and myself have an extreme dedication to this summer mission (we’ve both listed “dedication” as a personal strength on our resumes as a result of this).

After a long day of hanging out with a menagerie of strangers we had just met, two breweries and bar hopping, it wasn’t surprising that most of the members of our party were exhausted the morning after. Except for Juli and I. Just after waking up, Julia almost immediately began navigating our way to the Dillon Dam Brewery. The convo in the room went something like this:

Julia: “Ok looks like we’re only a few miles away from the brewery.”
Megan, Mandy and Amber: “There’s NO way I’m drinking today.”
Me: “I’m excited.”
Julia: “Me too. Get ready, we’re leaving.”

In general we try to stick to the “socially accepted” rule of no alcohol before noon aside from the occasional Bloody Mary or Mimosa but these were dire circumstances and we HAD to visit the brewery before we left. It was a really good thing we made time because this was one of the only breweries that we actually enjoyed EVERY beer.

That’s right, no sour faces, pictures montages of looks of disgust after taking a drink and no beers left undrank (which frankly has actually only happened one other time. We aren’t wasteful people when it comes to alcohol).

As Amber, Julia and I were sitting waiting for the beer to arrive, it was pointed out that I was still wearing my bracelet from the day before. Julia pointed out that it featured the DUI attorney’s number on it, just in case (we did have a LONG drive home).  We sat for about 30 minutes waiting for Mandy and Megan to show up (we were fairly certain that we had been stood up) which included several awkward conversations with our waiter, as we kept reassuring him  that we did need a table for six, and our friends would be there “any minute.”

While waiting, Julia and Amber decided to forgo any sort of real substance and instead order massive desserts.

Like this cobbler.

And this brownie. And they didn't share.

In stark contrast to Breckenridge brewery, our waiter was not only helpful but pleasant to be around. He only gave us 2 pitying looks about almost being stood up, and even offered for us to talk to the brewmaster. Instead our laziness led us to just take a picture of the brewing area where the brew master was probably at.

This was the ONLY brewery that I contributed anything more than dressing appropriately for the boob/beer picture and drinking the beer – I took two pictures! (And you won’t see either of them, because she can’t find them. Thanks for trying, though. –Julia)

Julia thought she should take a picture of me, taking pictures

The brewery was delightful because most things are just referred to as Dam. You could get shirts, cups, mugs, hats and pretty much anything with a dam inappropriate remark on it.

And now the beer, which as previously mentioned was VERY high ranking on our overall satisfaction of beers at breweries.

Delightful. All delightful.

Hefe weizen – This looks like a murky lake. Citrusy, like orange juice and beer . Only with a small armpit aftertaste.

4 boobs because it’s the only hefeweizen we like but we still don’t REALLY like it.

It merited its own picture, since we actually liked it.

McLurhr’s Irish Stout – Has nitrogen in it which gives it good head. Much more alcoholic tasting than other stouts.

4 boobs – pototent, powerful, flavorful

Sweet George’s brown – Tastes like a stout but not as smooth. Tastes like candy.
3 boobs

Extra pale ale – Full – bodied, nice flavor afterwards

Damn straight lager – Doesn’t taste like a lager. We finally found an Amber we like!

Lisa – 3 Boobs

Julia – 4 Boobs

Damn Lyte – Lightest in color, calories and alcohol.
“I already don’t like it because it’s light in alcohol.”

Bitter. More so than other pales.

Paradise Pilsner – Just kind of there. Not too notable.

2 Boobs

Wilderness Wheat: Hint of grassiness but still good.

3 boobs

Ve had a Vonderful Time! (Vell, as much as you can in Fort Collins) – Fort Collins Brewery, FOCO

20 Aug

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Preface to this post is that we are very excited to visit the NEW location of the Fort Colllins Brewery and hope to make it up to their Grand Opening next weekend.

After the hectic afternoon of trying to hustle our way into the New Belgium Brewery, then the constant heckling from the guide I had to endure and finally the hilarity of being mean to parents at breweries, we headed towards our next Fort Collins adventure.

Bikes everywhere! You would've thought we were in Boulder, but with less civilization and more boring.

After a brief stop at Odells, where we learned that tours last about 5 minutes (we missed it because we were five minutes late) we headed towards the elusive Fort Collins Brewery. It wasn’t until much later that we realized we were going to have to visit Fort Collins AGAIN to visit this Odell’s and the Anheuser factory. This statemtn alone is grounds enough to ruin the rest of our summer.

This mystical brewery was never on our list. We didn’t even know it existed until about a month ago when I stumbled upon it on the 4th of July. I went to pick up beer for a BBQ at Total Beverage (one of the most magical liquor stores in the state, but that’s a completely different post) and while standing in front of the beer, was approached by some man, asking if I had tried the pomegranate wheat beer and if I’d like to sample some in the back.

My friend and I assumed this was legit, and that he probably wasn’t going to rape and murder us in the back of the store, so we followed.

(I’m really glad this was a legit back-room tasting that didn’t end in a double homicide because otherwise I would have to finish all the rest of these brewery visits on my own and there would be no one to document the trips with notes and pictures. – Lisa)

The pom-wheat beer was from a small brewery in Fort Collins aptly named the Fort Collins Brewery. I excitedly called Lisa, and we added it to our Fort Collins agenda (because Fort Collins is only okay when you have a very specific purpose, plan and time of escape).

We visited on one of the last days that FCB was located in a shanty, as they recently opened up a much larger facility. The tasting room was tiny, but the beer was pretty good.

I'm excited to see the new facility

At this point, we were pretty wasted, and there were no children around to harass, so our manpanions had to put up with our crap. (Since men and children are basically on the same level of maturity anyway this was essentially the same as harassing children but probably with less legal consequences).

THINGS THE BOYS WERE HARASSED ABOUT

1. Living in Virginia

2. Having a beard

3. Sweating (profusely)

4. Why they don’t enjoy having secret picture montages taken of them

5. Threats that if they keep offering opinions on beer, they’ll have to sit in the car

5. The need to correct people when they may/may not be wrong

Secret picture

About 20 pictures later, when he realized I was taking secret pictures

Lisa’s manpanion is a little more used to this type of drunken beratement from us, than my boyfriend is, so he knew to keep his mouth shut. My BF on the other hand, thought it would be a good idea to tell us that it’s not pronounced “Hefe-WEISAN” but instead “Hefe-VEISAN” which of course led to me and Lisa switching out our “w’s” for “v’s” for the rest of the afternoon (and thus, the title of this post.)

The afternoon ended with a trip to Qdoba and the car ride home where everyone except Lisa’s manpanion fell asleep (which was good, because he was driving.)

Lisa’s manpanion: “Everyone is asleep. You have to stay up and keep me company while I drive.”

Lisa: “No. But you may put your hand on my knee as I sleep.”

*Lisa passes out*

Now, on to the beers.

It's a rainbow of beer! (and boobs)

You get two boob shots today, because we were both so slutty

Chocolate Stout (or as I referred to it, Choco Stout. And if you personally know us, you probably know why I thought it was hilarious)- This was another solid beer. It was a little different that other stouts, as the chocolate flavor actually was distinguishable. Smooth, with a good aftertaste.

Julia: 4 boobs

Lisa: 3 boobs

Hefeweizen- Not vonderful. Although, ve liked it more than ve do most hefeweizens. Filtered, and tastes like bananas and cloves.

3 boobs

Hellebock- It was okay, but kind of tasted liked baby food. (Interesting that baby food tastes “Okay” by our standards)

2 boobs

Colorado Common- This was called the “beer of the Earth.” Don’t know what that means? Us either. This is why we are only doing one brewery a day from now on, because our notes make no sense.

3 boobs

Kidd Lager- A very smoky beer, tasted like bacon. And as we all know, you can’t go wrong when something tastes like bacon.

3 boobs

Z Lager- beery and smoky. Tasted similar to the Kidd, except tasted more like beer and less like a BBQ woodfire grill.

3 boobs

1900 Amber Lager- This was the best comparable to Coors beer yet. Light, and delicious (for a Coors-like beer)

3 boobs

Major Tom- This is apparently the beer they’re known for. Pretty much just consisted of me singing, “Ground control to Major Tom…” then silence because that’s all I know.

2 boobs

Pomegranate Wheat- A sweet beer, although it didn’t taste like pomegranate at all. Like with yogurt, apparently this is a fruit that people throw around the name of, but don’t actually use in the food/drink.

2 boobs (only because they lied)

Retro Red- this beer was a looker and a taster. It was the best red so far.

3 boobs

Rocky Mountain IPA- This is an IPA that stays with you. “It’s still in my mouth. I think it’s filtrated into my saliva”

Julia- 3 boobs

Lisa- 4 boobs

(I’m partial to anything with “Rocky Mountain” in the name and since this was an IPA it was marvelous – Lisa)

And so we leave you with this picture of table groping.

Get a room

Lisa: “Can you two please stop groping each other under the table? The rest of us would like to keep our beer down.”

Julia: “Well, that’s clearly the pot calling the kettle black here.”

Lisa: “All I heard in that sentence was pot.”

When one brewery with an elf mascot can make an entire mountain town great (TOMMYKNOCKERS BREWERY IN IDAHO SPRINGS)

18 Jun

Tommyknockers in Idaho Springs is about a 25-30 minute drive into the “mountains” from the Denver Metro area, and this brewery is definitely worth the trip.

When we went on Thursday night, they had over 15 different types of beer to choose from, including their three seasonal ales.

So many beers!

After I exclaimed in delight over the fact that Idaho Springs was like a little town (with stores and everything! As you can see, I don’t leave the metro area very often) we entered the brewery.

The front room has coolers where you can purchase your favorite beers to take home with you, along with Tommyknocker merchandise, like hoodies, stickers, and um… uh… we mostly only saw the beer.

*In the “brewery’ part of the restaurant there were those large silver things that are used to make beer, we’re going to call them vats from now on. –Lisa

Lisa and I ordered the beer sampler, which consisted of 10 5 oz. beer samples, and was only $15, a very solid investment for the night.

Boobs and Beer (Please note the artful photography)

The atmosphere at Tommyknockers is very laid back, and they offer a varied and delicious selection of food. We had the nachos for an appetizer, and our meal choices ranged from a buffalo burrito, to a chicken sandwich to a traditional burger to make your own macaroni and cheese – very classy.

We watched Game 7 of the NBA Finals (boo, Lakers!) on the several big-screen TVs in the bar and did a fair amount of people watching. We took secret pictures of babies (because I think it’s weird when people bring babies to bars), stalked the group of firefighters that were there eating (but didn’t get any secret pictures unfortunately, just stared a little TOO long as we slowly…walked…by…)

We only hoped that the man wearing the Celtics jersey wouldn't throw the baby at the television in a fit of rage

And then, the crowning achievement of secret pictures of the night came along.

“I’m TOTALLY going to get the ladies tonight.” (he actually said this seriously)

Yes, that is in fact a mullet, with lines shaved in the side of his head. We attempted to take secret pictures, got caught, and tried to play it off. The guy seemed disappointed that we weren’t taking his picture, so I asked if I could take one with him, as though he was a celebrity.

If only he had also been wearing parachute pants

Now, on to the beer reviews and the boobs. Following is a list of all the beers we tried, along with our boob ratings and running commentary. Thanks to Mandy for helping us out as a Guest Boob this week!

We’ll even forgive you for ordering a martini after all the beer tasting was done.

Alpine Glacier Lager- This beer is average. It has a very watery taste. The best thing that can be said about it is that it’s a slightly classier Keystone Light which having lived only miles from the Coors brewery for most of both of our lives just the thought of “Coors that didn’t make the cut” really wasn’t that impressive to us.

1 Boob

TundraBeary Ale- This was a favorite of all of the girls. It has a sweet berry flavor, but isn’t too overwhelming. If you want a beer that doesn’t taste like a beer but also doesn’t make you look like a “Mike’s Hard Lemonade” kind of girl, this is the way to go.

Lisa: “I like it,”

Julia: “Me too. Let’s drink the rest.”
(First beer gone off the sample)

4 Boobs

Maple Nut Brown Ale- The beer lives up to its name, as it has a sweet and nutty taste to it.

Lisa: “It’s very nutty.”

Julia: “Really? I think it tastes like candy.”

Lisa: “I don’t like candy. I only like pixie sticks. This isn’t pixie sticks.”

J- 4 boobs

L- 2 boobs

Black Powder Stout- This stout has a very smooth and dark flavor. It tastes like chocolate and beer.

Julia: “This is too smooth. It’s not right.”

L- 3 boobs

J- 2 boobs

Butt Head- This was another average beer. It was darker tasting than the previous ones (besides the stout), and the aftertaste hits pretty hard.

*Sidenote, I just realized that maybe that’s why the beer is called Butthead. It’s like that guy you date who seems pretty cool at first, then ends up being a douche.

L- 3 boobs

J- 2 boobs

Jack Whacker Wheat- This was a lighter beer and lives up to other wheat beers we’ve tried. It had hints of lemon, and was served with a lemon on the side.

Julia: “I’m reluctantly giving this beer a 4 boob rating. But I would describe it like this– Have you ever been to a party and been cornered in the kitchen by a guy you don’t really want to talk to? And so you reluctantly let him make out with you so he’ll leave you alone? That’s how I feel about this beer. It’s there, so you drink it, and it’s pretty good, because it’s beer, but you only drink it so you can move on to other beers.”

4 Boobs*

*This was also the beer that caused quite a discussion about our rating system. I wanted to give it 3 and a half boobs, but Lisa yelled at me, “No half-boobs allowed!” I reluctantly upped my rating to 4 boobs.

Ornery Amber- This was another smooth beer, with a bit of a kick. The aftertaste took a while to set in, and wasn’t great. Overall up to this point, boo aftertaste.

J- 3 boobs

L- 2 boobs

Pick Axe- This was another sweet beer, and was terrible when sipping it during the meal. As far as Ale’s go this was a pretty good match for anything regular Ale’s have.

*Don’t expect us to use fancy beer terminology like “hoppy” or “malty”. This was an Ale that tasted like an Ale. I even had to Google “beer terminology” just to come up with “hoppy” and “malty”. –Lisa

J- 2 boobs

L- 3 boobs

 

Rye Porter- This was another smooth porter, but the difference was that this one had more of a coffee flavor than the first. There was also more bite to the aftertaste.

J- 4 boobs

L- 3 boobs

Seasonal Hop Strike IPA

Enough said.

 L- 3 boobs

J- 2 boobs

And so ends the 10 beer sampler of beers. Luckily for us, we brought a “male” (mostly to drive us to the mountains) but were also lucky enough to have him order/convinced him to order two other beers from the menu that weren’t include in the regular sampler of beers. Hooray for us, more beer!

Imperial Nut Brown – Really the only thing that was said about this beer was “You would like this” to the male friend. Overall girls (as if any girls would ever want to read this blog), steer clear of this one, you won’t find any berry taste hidden beneath this beer (which was darker than the murderous expression on Kobe’s face every time the Lakers were down).

2 Boobs

 

Oaked Butthead- this had the highest alcohol content of all the beers at 9.4%. It had a very smoked, woody taste.

“It’s like I’m drinking at Home Depot. And not just any part of Home Depot, but specifically the lumber aisle.”

J- 2 boobs

L- 3 boobs

 

Top Boob Picks

 

Julia

  1. TundraBeary
  2. Maple Nut
  3. Rye Porter

 

Lisa

  1. Jackwhacker
  2. TundraBeary
  3. PickAxe

 

Mandy

  1. Pickaxe
  2. Jackwhacker
  3. TundraBeary

 As you can see, we had pretty similar tastes. Overall, Tommyknockers is a great brewery to visit, even if they don’t have tours (yet). On their website they have their whole menu and also daily coupons and specials, so don’t forget to check that out before you go!

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