Tag Archives: Brewery Tours

Gypsy Trickery in Golden COORS BREWERY, GOLDEN

7 Jul

Word of the Week- Gypsy Trickery

If you recall, this phrase was used in the Avery Post. You may have wondered exactly what it meant, and, seeing as that weekend (and this whole week, really) have been filled with gypsy trickery, we thought we should explain.

 Have you ever been tricked into doing something because you thought is was something else? Did someone guilt you into going somewhere awful? Have you ever been lured somewhere under false pretenses? Do you not pay taxes anywhere because you’re a vagabond? THIS IS GYPSY TRICKERY.

We spent the afternoon at the pool, which backfired horribly when we realized that Coors only gave tours until 4 pm. We booked it down to Golden (which, by the way, there is no easy way to get there from Westminster) and showed up about 30 minutes before the last tour bus left.

The nice parking attendant directed us to the line, while I panicked that we weren’t going to make it before the tours closed.

Julia: "What is this?" Amber: "That's a line. Also known as a queue in the UK"

Since we had some time to kill, we began taking pictures with the Coors sign as though it was a celebrity.

We started a trend. Everyone else after us started taking this same picture.

In line, we discussed the merits of bringing children on brewery tours, since they seem to be plaguing us wherever we go. The general consensus was that children don’t belong on brewery tours, and if you as a parent are dragging them along it doesn’t make you “cool” or “hip”.

It pretty much just means you’re setting your child up to be a drunk frat boy, or a drunk whore who those frat boys will sleep with.

It also proves that you as the parent either got pregnant too young and are now attempting to squeeze every last ounce of your youth out of your life but are too cheap to afford a babysitter or you actually think bringing your child to an alcohol factory is a good “family” activity. Either way, it’s a shame you were allowed to procreate anyway.

She'll probably make many, many men very happy someday

*Also, as the sign below reminds us, you cannot bring in more things for your child than necessary. I accidentally loudly made a comment questioning how I was going to use my pretend child as a liquor mule if I wasn’t allowed to bring a diaper bag. (It’s awfully troubling that Coors felt the likelihood of parents using their children as alcohol smuggling devices was so great it warranted a sign to prohibit it. –Lisa)

We actually didn’t have to wait for too long. Coors is really good about continually having busses picking up and dropping people off from the brewery. At first we thought it was strange that they were sending a bus to drive us about two blocks from the parking lot, but as soon as we boarded it became clear this was a gypsy bus.

“Welcome to Golden, Colorado, home of Coors Brewery, Buffalo Bill’s Grave and the School of Mines. On your left, is Olde Town Golden…blah blah blah.”

We had been gypsy tricked into going on a tour of Golden (which is not that exciting, hence the trickery to get anyone to do it.)

Lisa got gypsy tricked into sitting alone on the bus

About 10 minutes later we finally pulled up in front of the brewery, I told Amber that from now on, every time someone gets in my car for me to drive them anywhere, I’m going to take them on a tour of Arvada and my childhood, regardless of where our destination is.

The bus driver assured us that the pools of water surrounding the brewery that actually looked more like black tar were NOT used to make the beer but instead to clean things. Phew. How horrible would that be if a Coors beer actually had some flavor to it?
The first thing we had to do when we were inside was take a tourist picture in front of a cheesy background that we could buy at the end of our tour for the low, low price of 19.99!!

Then, they swiped our driver’s licenses and gave us personalized bracelets (which could double as hospital/prison admittance bracelets later in the day depending on how the tour went), and what looked like cell phones from the 80s.

I'm going to have to call you back. I need to crank the battery in the backpack for my phone so it doesn't die.

These turned out to be our tour guides for the day. The desk lady explained that we were supposed to press the number that coordinated to whichever one was on the wall and put the phone up to our ear to hear what they had to say.

The information probably was interesting, but I honestly don’t see how self-tours benefit Coors. Most of the people around us weren’t listening to any of the stops. They were instead rushing to the three free beers at the end. In fact, there was even an option at the start of the tour to forgo the 80’s cell phone tour guide all together and just meander to the tasting room for the free beer. If they really want to make the tour more interesting they should hold races to see who can run past the educational exhibits and drink all three free beers the fastest (bonus points for knocking the most small children into vats of beer along the way!)

However, we took the time to kind of do the tour. This is what followed.

  • Did you know that Coors is made from water from the Colorado Rockies? You probably could’ve guessed, since ALL OF THEIR BEER TASTES LIKE WATER.
  • There are a bunch of flowers all over the brewery because Adolph Coors’s wife really liked flowers.
  • Large boobs are great places to hold things.

We had to figure out some way to juggle our drinking, purses and 80s phones

  • There are subliminal messages in the self-tour. Whenever the man doing the voiceover would mention a Coors beer, a softer woman’s voice would immediately whisper it afterwards. Lisa and I both heard it. Amber didn’t. I guess we know which one of us is going to end up in a cult drinking Kool Aid someday.

What's that, lady's voice? You want me to do WHAT?

  • The Coors Brewery in Golden is the largest self-contained brewery in the world. This means they do all of the brewing, packaging and distribution from there. Which is kind of cool.
  • Acid might be the secret ingredient in their beer. Okay, probably not, but this room was hilarious.

I just bought you these flowers to apologize for the acid spill...

  • There is an elusive Red Keystone. The only place you ever hear about it is the brewery. It’s not sold anywhere. No one knows why this is. And I couldn’t ask, because the 80s cell phone wasn’t answering ANY of my questions.

They cryogenically froze the last one, so that they could bring it back to life in the future, when they have the right technology

Finally we found some really awesome cutouts of giant Coors beer and the proper tourist picture taking commenced. We even talked a stranger into taking the picture of us and didn’t end up with them asking us if we stalking them OR them walking away horribly offended!

These were really cold. You can tell, because the mountains on the bottle are blue

We also came up with the best Halloween costumes ever. Lisa, Amber and I are going to be Slutty Keystones.

 

Amber: “I’m going to be Key Light because I go down easy”

Lisa: “I’m going to be Key Red because I’m a tease”

Julia: “I’m going to be Key Ice, I guess…because no one likes me?” (Picture me looking sad)

 

Finally we reached the mecca of shitty beers- otherwise known as the Coors Tasting Room. You get 3 free, pretty decently-sized beers. They’re all on tap and you’re supposed to be impressed because they’ve never left the brewery. It was kind of crowded, you have to finish one beer before they’ll give another, and old ladies will poach your table as soon as you get up, even if you’re planning on coming right back. Did we mention there’s small children running around making messes everywhere? Thanks again responsible parents!

Now, for the beers. Keep in mind we spent most of college drinking an array of Coors products. These are the staples that we compare all of the other beers we drink to, so the descriptions were incredibly hard.

Blue Moon- It tastes like Blue Moon. It’s a light, wheat beer with just a hint of citrus to it. Best served with an orange. It’s a good staple beer if you’re at a bar with limited choices and you want to be slightly classier than everyone else, but not too douchey.

Amber and Lisa- 2 boobs

Julia- 3 boobs

Honey Moon- This is just like Blue Moon, only sweeter.

“I expected to get stung by a bee. It was THAT sweet.”

3 boobs

Molson- “It takes like Key light, only Canadian. Yeah. You know what I mean.”

1 boob

Batch 19- This is their strongest beer. It’s still not great, but it gypsy tricks you into thinking it’s better than it is because it gets your drunk quicker.

2 and a side boob

*Note, we’ve added side boobs into the equation. We don’t believe in half boobs, because that’s dumb, but side boobs make sense. It’s when you’re shirt is just a little too small and you get that weird amount of boob that kind of spills out the side. See: Lisa most of our time in Vegas.

Killians- It’s a red beer, and it definitely tastes like copper.

“For a beer that’s never left the brewery, I expected this to be better.”

2 boobs

Colorado Native- this is the newest beer from Coors, and they’re pretending that it comes from some small, side brewery in the middle of the mountains. It’s their shot at a “craft beer” because they realized that they weren’t going to be able to cut it in Colorado anymore. It’s a solid, mass-produced beer.

“I can’t tell if it’s good or not. It might be like being the smartest kid on the short bus…”

3 boobs

Our outing ended with a stop at the gift shop, where we realized we were JUST drunk enough that buying stuff seemed like a good idea. Gypsy tricked again.

Thanks to Amber for being a guest boob. And for not smashing things when you got angry.

The Time Everyone Got Really Bored With the Beer (WALNUT BREWERY, BOULDER)

27 Jun
After we finished our samplers at Avery, we headed over to Megan’s to regroup and decide on our next stop. Originally we had hoped to go to at least two more breweries, but quickly decided that ending up blackout drunk on a Saturday afternoon was not classy. And with a blog title like “Boobs, Breweries and Beer” we really know how to keep it classy.

We decided to go to Walnut Brewery, just off of Pearl Street in Boulder because it was walking distance. (Damn we’re good role models.)

This was the coolest thing about this place.

Megan excitedly ran upstairs to her house to get her Mug Card (Walnut does a special program, where you get a Mug Card and every time you have a beer, you get points for it. Once you reach a certain amount of points, you get a really big cup and can fill it up for a cheaper price. If we had enjoyed any of their beers, we probably would’ve been more excited about this program).

*Side note- At this point in our day, Lisa kept claiming she felt completely fine, but had begun talking to animals. On the drive over, she waved quite earnestly at a dog in a truck and was offended he didn’t wave back. She tried again later in the day and luckily this time she was able to discern between dog and human and got a firefighter to wave back. For those of you keeping track, we’re 2 for 4 for spotting firefighters at breweries. This behavior continued the rest of the afternoon, as she communicated with 2 spiders, a very dirty cat that was missing patches of fur and a bird that clearly had a beak too big for its body. See pictures below.

Talking to her new friend, a spiderShe was like a really drunk Disney Princess

 

We decided to sit outside and enjoy the nice weather. As you can see, the scenery was riveting.

This made us miss rooftop patios

As we went to sit down, the man at the next table looked over at us.

“Weren’t you guys just at Avery? Are you stalking us?” he joked.

Although this does seem like something we would do, normally Lisa and I keep our stalking limited to “online investigative journalism” or to attractive men who have money.

We informed him that we weren’t, but proceeded to have a delightful conversation with him and his wife. We even convinced them to take an Honorary Boob picture.

Because apparently we can’t go anywhere without eating, we ordered the ballpark pretzels and also the flaming cheese.

Soon we’re going to have to rename the blog “Boob’s, Breweries, and Double Chins"

We ordered the sampler which consisted of 8 beers, plus we added on a seasonal sampler which actually changes about every month.

"Remember that time we had 17 beers at Avery? Me too. I miss that"

Onto the beer reviews.

If this post seems mildly indifferent and not as sparkling as usual, that’s because that’s how I would describe Walnut Brewery and its beers. They’re nice, but they’re not great. The food was decent, the beer was decent, the scenery was decent. This brewery is riding on the fact that they’re pretty much in the heart of Boulder.

As we sampled the beers and became more and more dissatisfied, Megan insisted that she’d enjoyed the beers here before. “A lot of times, I get combinations of two beers.” This was a serious tip-off that we were in for an unenjoyable series of beer.

We decided to do that with our last two samplers. It didn’t help. We all agreed that a beer should be good enough to stand on its own, and overall, none of the beers at Walnut Brewery were able to do that. The good news is the sampler was very cheap, with each 4 oz. beer costing less that $1. The bad news is that none of the beers excited us. At all. Had we been on a date with these beers none of us would have heard word he said but assumed he was an accountant and obviously have no personal interests, goals, or friends. While we would recommend Walnut as a slightly nicer place to go in Boulder, go for the food. Don’t go for the beer.

Then we all got kind of tired.

Now, for the beers.

Seasonal Wheat- This beer tasted really similar to the white rascal. It had a very fruity aftertaste, which seemed to taste strongly like bananas and fructose.

Megan: “If diabetes was a beer. This would be it.”

2 boobs

Buffalo Gold – This is the basic beer at Walnut. It was good, but very non-descript. This is their version of Coors. It’s just kind of there.

(This was the point that Lisa started talking to birds.)

"Did you see him hop? Did you see how big his beak was compared to his body?"

Indian Pale Ale- Again, this was a very general beer (do you notice a theme for this post yet?)

“This beer is the equivalent of that really nice guy your friend sets you up with. He’s nice and you go out with him a few times to appease everyone, but then you tell him you’re not looking for a relationship. This beer is missing the zsa-zsa-zu.”

2 boobs

James Red Ale- Okay, this review is just becoming sad. I didn’t even bother to write anything in my notes for this one. That’s how boring it was.

Julia: “I just spilled it on myself.”
Lisa: “You should’ve expected that.”

2 boobs

Big Horn Bitter- This was a not-so-bitter bitter beer.

Megan and Julia – 1 Boob
Lisa – 2 Boobs

Old Elk Brown Ale- This one tasted like Reverend Bathtub at Avery. Which means that it wasn’t flavorful as you drank it, then tasted like dishwater after.

2 Boob

Devil’s Thumb- – Again, we actually had nothing to say and at this point were considering not drinking any of the rest of the beer.

1 Boob

White Pelican Pilsner – Worst pilsner ever.

1 Boob

No one had a favorite. No one could even really come up with a Top 3 list.

Walnut Brewery=Meh.

Beer with a Personality (and a really dirty mind) AVERY BREWERY, BOULDER

25 Jun

I knew the day was off to a good start for two reasons, before the tours even began.

  1. I went to kickboxing at my gym in the morning so that I could justify drinking the rest of the day.
  2. Lisa managed to get ready in 12 minutes flat because of a previous late night of drinking, and we were speeding down the highway going 20 mph over so that we make it to the 2 PM tour at Avery Brewery.

Avery is a brewing company located in Boulder. They’ve been there for over 15 years and are run by a father and son. According to our tour guide, the younger Avery was suffering from a quarterlife crisis and convinced his dad to invest in a brewery instead of retiring. It worked out well, as all of the Avery Beers had unique flavors (even if we didn’t like all of them) and an awesome tour and tasting room.

Phil, our tour guide took us around to the vats that hold the barley. Apparently, they gypsy-trick the barley into thinking that it’s going to grow into real plants, which give them better barley for the beer.

We nodded knowingly. We've all been there. Like when a boy gypsy-tricks you into sleeping with him.

*(Along with not using fancy beer terminology to describe the beers, don’t expect us to give you detailed explanations of the tours. We aren’t going to tell you every time how beer is made. We also are bad at remembering statistics and numbers. And finally, Julia has a hard time walking and writing. This particular tour had a requirement for each person to have a beer in hand so that made just paying attention difficult.)

Phil also showed us the container where they dump all of the hops and yeast and everything after it’s not useful. Apparently, farmers collect it from them and feed it to their cows which was noted that it “relaxes” the cows. He also said that when it snows or rain, it all mixes and makes some sort of swill beer.

We nodded knowingly. This container is like the whore girl who sleeps with everyone. See: Sperm Dumpster.

He then took us to the brewing area where they make the beer. It’s really hard to lift the ingredients into the vats, so they have a pulley system they use that dips the ingredients into the water and yeast. They referred to this as teabagging. We snickered. We liked this brewery. They’re dirty.

Phil took us to their bottling room and explained the process. It’s relatively boring but the key take-away was clean bottles are important and you can’t let oxygen touch the beer in the bottling process because it will turn into soggy cardboard. A noteworthy detail was that Avery beers can be distinguished from other beers by the fact that they have a gold foil that goes over the top of the cap and when other breweries try to do it the outcome is “cute” but not successful.

This is why I started taking secret pictures, along with this gem of the saddest tattoo ever. My flash went off, and I almost got caught. But it was worth it.

How he had a girlfriend is beyond us. What are those? Sad people in a city? That will be there FOREVER.

As we walked into the bottling room, Lisa poked me and pointed out this.

That's a small plastic Ron Jeremy sucking his own penis, in case you were wondering.

 We later found out they call their packing machine Ron Jeremy (Get it? Get it? I told you, this brewery is AWESOME).

The tour ended in the Crew Room. They have all kinds of barrels from all over the world and with all different flavors that they use to age some of their beers and create whole new ones.

Secret picture of Phil, our awesome tour guide. And the barrels.

They have a guy who breeds his own bacteria. Before entering this room we had to make a pit stop back at the tap room so people could get more beer since having an empty cup at any point during this tour was cause for harrasment.

This seems like the beginning of a horror/sci fi film. One that I would like to see.

And so ended the beer tour as Lisa leaned over to me to whisper, “I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Let’s go drink.”

With this disturbing bit of information, we decided to call in reinforcement boobs. Seeing as I usually get drunk off of one beer and Lisa was struggling to rally (although she did a beautiful job of it).

Thanks to Megan for being our guest boob for the week. Your beer reviews were thought-provoking and spot-on (except for the beef jerky one). You’re welcome anytime to join us again.

Megan, your beer is missing an orange.

We were only able to order 15 beers (they have restrictions for how many each person is

allowed to have), but it was a pretty sizeable task. Luckily we had already tried out 2 of them from the tour so in the end all but the specialty, seasonal ones were tasted and rated.

We also ordered slices of tomato and basil pizza, which were delicious and a key role in the rallying efforts to get through the whole platter of beers.

Because we eat everywhere we go

Final thoughts-  Avery was the best one so far (probably not saying much as we’ve only done one actual tour and been to four breweries). The tour was informative, relaxed and fun. All of the people around us were very friendly. We actually learned something about beer (granted, we forgot it later, but still).

The most interesting thing that I gleaned from the tour was what Phil said about their beer.

“Every brewer makes beer the same way. The ingredients and the process doesn’t change. What makes beers different is the personality of the brewers who make them. Here at Avery, we are all a bunch of really athletic and competitive people, and this shows up in our beers. We are always pushing each other to go to the extremes- whether it be a certain taste, or a higher alcohol content, we are always challenging each other to be the best.”

Now, for the beers.

Joe’s Premium American Pilsner- This was the basic beer. It was good, but not very flavorful. (this seems to be a reoccurring trend at each brewery).

Megan: “It’s like mild Mexican food. You expect it to have more of a kick or a taste, but it’s just lacking.”

2 boobs

14er ESB

 

Lisa: “There’s trash in this”

“That’s a bubble”
( I was clearly still drunk from the night before at this point seeing as how we were only on our second beer – Lisa)

2 boobs

Ellie’s Brown Ale- This was a really nice darker ale. It had a sweeter chocolate flavor.

Megan: “Does this taste like beef jerky to anyone else?…Wait, no, I think it’s buffalo jerky.”

BLANK STARES.

Out of Bounds Stout- This is your basic stout. It’s more bitter and richer flavored than the Brown Ale, but still has a similar taste.

3 boobs

Ball Smack!! Baltic Porter- we figured that since it had exclamation points in its name, it had to be good. And we weren’t really let down. It did kind of give us coffee breath afterwards, but was a good porter.

Megan: ”Do you think it’s called Ballsmack because it’s a hoppy beer? And your balls would smack while hopping around?”

(Get drunk. Then that quote will make more sense.)

3 boobs

India’s Pale Ale- This is the Avery beer that is usually on tap at other places. It looks just like sparkling cider, with a golden, bubbly appearance. You feel classy just looking at it.

“It’s solid.”

4 boobs

Dry Hopped IPA- This is similar to the pale ale, but not as good. It takes an extra swallow to get it down.

3 boobs

15th Anniversary- this beer tastes like your grandmother’s perfume. It’s sweet and flowery. This beer is made with hibiscus, white pepper and fig, which is a unique combination. There is almost too much going on with this beer, and so our rating was split.

J and M- 3 boobs

L- 1 boob

Salvation Belgian Style Golden Ale- It tasted like apricot, which is good, because that’s what’s in it.

3 boobs

Reverend Belgian Style Quadruple Ale- this had the highest alcohol content at 10%. The aftertaste was like stale dishwater, as if fresh dishwater would be any better.

1 boob

“We will call this one Reverend Bathwater from here on forward.”

Hog Heaven Barley Wine Style Ale- Very malty.

Julia: “The glass just stuck to my teeth! I don’t know if that’s the beer or their poor washing abilities, but its affecting my thoughts on the beer.”

2 boobs

17th Anniversary- It smells like sugar and tastes like trees.

3 boobs

Maharia Imperial India Pale Ale- flavorful aftertaste.

3 boobs

Karma- It’s a good beer, until it gets warm. Then it’s a terrible beer.

3 boobs (when cold)

1 boob (when warm)

White Rascal- Wheatiest of the wheat. Pretty good.

3 boobs

Boobs on the Road (Brewery Schedule)

25 Jun

So after a wasting a humiliating amount of time trying to figure our how to integrate a Google Calendar into WordPress I’ve conceded that its impossible. Here’s the tentative schedule of which breweries we’ll be visiting this summer.

If you’re thinking of asking one of us to dinner, don’t bother. But, if you’re thinking of asking BOTH of us to dinner we suggest taking us to one of these places that aren’t scheduled but are on the list of breweries to be visited.

Breweries Yet to be Scheduled

Flying Dog

Vine Street Pub
Bull and Bush
Upslope
Cheeky Monk
Pints Pub
Mountain Sun

May 15
Oskar Blues

June 17
Tommyknockers

June 19

Avery Brewery

Walnut Brewery

June 26
Coors

Golden City Brewery (rained out)

July 3 and 4
Wynkoop (still need to do a brewery tour)
Great Divide
Sandlot

July 9
New Belgium
Fort Collins Brewery

July 17 and 18
Breckenridge Beer Fest!!!!
Breckenridge Brewery
Dillon Dam
Backcountry Brewery

July 22
Strange Brewing Company

July 24
Wynkoop Tour

July 31/Aug 1
Pumphouse
Left Hand

August 8
Estes Park
Twisted Pine

August 14
Anheiser Bush
Odell’s Brewery

August 21
Del Norte
Dry Dock

August 28

September 18
Great American Beer Festival

A Cherry Poppin’ Good Time – OSKAR BLUES – LONGMONT, CO

18 Jun

So we finally did it. We, at the same time, and the same place, and with the same amount of alcohol in our systems lost our brewery tour virginity. I can honestly say I’ll never be the same and I wouldn’t have wanted to lose it to any other brewery. Oskar Blue’s originally started in Lyons, CO now with most of its brewery operations in Longmont, CO was an awesome first experience – well as good as a first time really can be.

This is the restaurant, not the brewery

When resident Denver blogger Jonathan Shikes (@ColoBeerMan) recommended as his top pick for brewery tours the home of Colorado famous Dale’s Pale Ale we knew just where to kick-off our summer of brewery tours.

After a slight mix up with the Oskar Blue’s Restaurant (also located in Longmont) and the brewing facility itself we got the full experience and haven’t looked back since. The trek (probably only about 8 miles) took our entire afternoon, resulting in lots of getting to know you time with the Droid GPS, a small tangent to Niwot to visit a psychic festival, and lots of highly alcoholic beer which ultimately was the cause of us visiting only one breweries rather than two like we had originally planned.

Woooo! Psychics! This was the shadiest, tiniest festival ever.

The food at the restaurant was fantastic. It’s supposed to be Cajun. Since I have no idea what authentic Cajun food tastes like, I don’t know if it was any good but I can tell you it was good as far as food goes.

Geography lesson the day: Never trust signs in Longmont. Especially signs that supposedly lead you to a psychic fair. Our best guess is they all pointed different directions to try to wean people out that didn’t actually have psychic abilities from attending the fair. After getting duped into a $10 tarot card reading which cost $15 and 17 minutes of precious beer drinking time, Julia was enlightened to that fact that life isn’t perfect.

*(Apparently, I need to find a mentor in my field so that I can learn. He also told me that long distance relationships are hard. –Julia)  

She also received homemade healing oil as a “free” bonus which has magical healing powers that have yet to be seen.

*(The psychic also friended me on Facebook. I chose not to accept, seeing as his advice was so useless. –Julia)

The tour itself was pretty breathtaking traumatizing. That could be because we finished all the beer before the tour not knowing that it was customary to enjoy the varieties of beer during the tour or the fact that like I said, it was our first time ;)

For such a relatively new brewery starting in a grassroots kind of way in little Lyons, CO they really have the makings for a lot of beer there.

During the tour we managed to make several new friends. And by friends I mean we accidently insulted a group of insecure boys that were on the tour. They were all standing in a row based on height, which I said was cute. Somehow, this turned into the shortest one following me around harassing me about my comment. Then, he began making disparaging comments I didn’t even say.

“Are you calling me an oompa loompa? You’re shorter than I am. That means you’re short too.” he said.

Our new boyfriends

Luckily, one of Julia’s hobbies is being a bitch. Apparently saying, “Awww, little guy! No one called you an oompa loompa,” deflates a man’s ego and is a surefire way to get them to avoid you.

(*Since there was no opportunity for him to buy me a drink, I didn’t feel it necessary to be nice. –Julia)

It’s also important to note that they don’t have any bottled beer. All their beers come in cans, we were told by from our Oskar Blue’s long-timer tour guide (she had a pretty decent beer gut, surprise surprise, and an ex-husband who also worked at the brewery). Canning beer is better because it doesn’t let in light and preserves the flavor. Too bad the thousands of other breweries across the world don’t have is wisdom or who knows what kind of amazing, non –sunlight tainted beers we’d have.

So...much...beer!

At the close of the tour we were offered free jewelry in the form of a beer can with a set of beads run through it that you can wear around your neck. These are the same ones you can find at the Great American Beer festival that help you pick out who the truly classy people are.

The tour guide rolled her eyes at the popularity of these necklaces, because they’re a huge hit at festivals, while Julia’s eyes lit up.

*(They were all gone at the last GABF when I got there, so I made out with a guy for the sole purpose of stealing his necklace. –Julia)

To be honest and as a disclaimer for our first attempt at beer descriptions, we ultimately failed at describing the beers from this brewery in any detail that would be helpful at all.  Apologies in advance.  This is what happens your first time. You don’t really know what’s going on, you don’t know what you’re doing, and you realize afterwards what you could’ve done better. We considered having a do-over, but really, who wants to relive their first time?

I'm glad we got to lose our virginity with this moustache.

The sampler cost us a whopping 7 dollars, and was almost worth the $3.50 each.

This was our artsy, overhead picture

Mama’s Little Yella Pils - Tastes like Coors, but with a little more of a kick. It’s really nothing special. When a brewery that was started with the foundation beer with a name so manly and Aley (Ale + “Y”; not what you find digging in a dumpster for left over fish) as “Dale’s Pale Ale” tries to jump to the lager market let’s just say; they fail.

1 Boob

 

Dale’s Pale Ale - This is the staple beer of Oskar Blues and rightfully so. If we were men and were really into this kind of beer (and also not driving) we would have each gotten a pint more of this.

3 Boobs

Gordon Beer - It tasted like weed. Really and truly, stoner or not, this is weed beer.  And by the ratings below, it’s pretty easy to tell who the true Boulderite is of the two of us.

Julia – 1 Boob

Lisa- 4 Boobs!

 

Gubna IPA – Tasted like an armpit. If we could give half boobs, we would. We can’t really discern why this was so unappealing to both of our pallet’s but it really was. The gag reflex not usually associated with drinking beer played a big role when we took a drink of this.

Julia: “We’ll call this, Dale’s Stale Ale”

1 Boob

 

Old Chub – Very Smoky flavored. At first neither of us really jumped on the Chub bandwagon and chugged the whole thing, but after a while we both really decided this was delicious and soon wanted more.

3 Boobs

Tenfidy - Really, really strong, but a good aftertaste.

When I first put it in my mouth I thought, ooooh, I might throw up.”

2 boobs

Whiskey Barrel aged selection- This essentially tastes like someone gave me a shot of whiskey, then poured a tiny bit of beer into it. Thankfully this seemed like something they made behind the bar with the “pour mat” and isn’t actually a staple beer( if you can call it that) that is always available.

Lisa- “It makes me want to die.”

1 Boob (only because that’s our lowest possible rating)

And so ends our first time. It was very special, and something I’ll never forget.

A Cherry Poppin' Good Time – OSKAR BLUES – LONGMONT, CO

18 Jun

So we finally did it. We, at the same time, and the same place, and with the same amount of alcohol in our systems lost our brewery tour virginity. I can honestly say I’ll never be the same and I wouldn’t have wanted to lose it to any other brewery. Oskar Blue’s originally started in Lyons, CO now with most of its brewery operations in Longmont, CO was an awesome first experience – well as good as a first time really can be.

This is the restaurant, not the brewery

When resident Denver blogger Jonathan Shikes (@ColoBeerMan) recommended as his top pick for brewery tours the home of Colorado famous Dale’s Pale Ale we knew just where to kick-off our summer of brewery tours.

After a slight mix up with the Oskar Blue’s Restaurant (also located in Longmont) and the brewing facility itself we got the full experience and haven’t looked back since. The trek (probably only about 8 miles) took our entire afternoon, resulting in lots of getting to know you time with the Droid GPS, a small tangent to Niwot to visit a psychic festival, and lots of highly alcoholic beer which ultimately was the cause of us visiting only one breweries rather than two like we had originally planned.

Woooo! Psychics! This was the shadiest, tiniest festival ever.

The food at the restaurant was fantastic. It’s supposed to be Cajun. Since I have no idea what authentic Cajun food tastes like, I don’t know if it was any good but I can tell you it was good as far as food goes.

Geography lesson the day: Never trust signs in Longmont. Especially signs that supposedly lead you to a psychic fair. Our best guess is they all pointed different directions to try to wean people out that didn’t actually have psychic abilities from attending the fair. After getting duped into a $10 tarot card reading which cost $15 and 17 minutes of precious beer drinking time, Julia was enlightened to that fact that life isn’t perfect.

*(Apparently, I need to find a mentor in my field so that I can learn. He also told me that long distance relationships are hard. –Julia)  

She also received homemade healing oil as a “free” bonus which has magical healing powers that have yet to be seen.

*(The psychic also friended me on Facebook. I chose not to accept, seeing as his advice was so useless. –Julia)

The tour itself was pretty breathtaking traumatizing. That could be because we finished all the beer before the tour not knowing that it was customary to enjoy the varieties of beer during the tour or the fact that like I said, it was our first time ;)

For such a relatively new brewery starting in a grassroots kind of way in little Lyons, CO they really have the makings for a lot of beer there.

During the tour we managed to make several new friends. And by friends I mean we accidently insulted a group of insecure boys that were on the tour. They were all standing in a row based on height, which I said was cute. Somehow, this turned into the shortest one following me around harassing me about my comment. Then, he began making disparaging comments I didn’t even say.

“Are you calling me an oompa loompa? You’re shorter than I am. That means you’re short too.” he said.

Our new boyfriends

Luckily, one of Julia’s hobbies is being a bitch. Apparently saying, “Awww, little guy! No one called you an oompa loompa,” deflates a man’s ego and is a surefire way to get them to avoid you.

(*Since there was no opportunity for him to buy me a drink, I didn’t feel it necessary to be nice. –Julia)

It’s also important to note that they don’t have any bottled beer. All their beers come in cans, we were told by from our Oskar Blue’s long-timer tour guide (she had a pretty decent beer gut, surprise surprise, and an ex-husband who also worked at the brewery). Canning beer is better because it doesn’t let in light and preserves the flavor. Too bad the thousands of other breweries across the world don’t have is wisdom or who knows what kind of amazing, non –sunlight tainted beers we’d have.

So...much...beer!

At the close of the tour we were offered free jewelry in the form of a beer can with a set of beads run through it that you can wear around your neck. These are the same ones you can find at the Great American Beer festival that help you pick out who the truly classy people are.

The tour guide rolled her eyes at the popularity of these necklaces, because they’re a huge hit at festivals, while Julia’s eyes lit up.

*(They were all gone at the last GABF when I got there, so I made out with a guy for the sole purpose of stealing his necklace. –Julia)

To be honest and as a disclaimer for our first attempt at beer descriptions, we ultimately failed at describing the beers from this brewery in any detail that would be helpful at all.  Apologies in advance.  This is what happens your first time. You don’t really know what’s going on, you don’t know what you’re doing, and you realize afterwards what you could’ve done better. We considered having a do-over, but really, who wants to relive their first time?

I'm glad we got to lose our virginity with this moustache.

The sampler cost us a whopping 7 dollars, and was almost worth the $3.50 each.

This was our artsy, overhead picture

Mama’s Little Yella Pils - Tastes like Coors, but with a little more of a kick. It’s really nothing special. When a brewery that was started with the foundation beer with a name so manly and Aley (Ale + “Y”; not what you find digging in a dumpster for left over fish) as “Dale’s Pale Ale” tries to jump to the lager market let’s just say; they fail.

1 Boob

 

Dale’s Pale Ale - This is the staple beer of Oskar Blues and rightfully so. If we were men and were really into this kind of beer (and also not driving) we would have each gotten a pint more of this.

3 Boobs

Gordon Beer - It tasted like weed. Really and truly, stoner or not, this is weed beer.  And by the ratings below, it’s pretty easy to tell who the true Boulderite is of the two of us.

Julia – 1 Boob

Lisa- 4 Boobs!

 

Gubna IPA – Tasted like an armpit. If we could give half boobs, we would. We can’t really discern why this was so unappealing to both of our pallet’s but it really was. The gag reflex not usually associated with drinking beer played a big role when we took a drink of this.

Julia: “We’ll call this, Dale’s Stale Ale”

1 Boob

 

Old Chub – Very Smoky flavored. At first neither of us really jumped on the Chub bandwagon and chugged the whole thing, but after a while we both really decided this was delicious and soon wanted more.

3 Boobs

Tenfidy - Really, really strong, but a good aftertaste.

When I first put it in my mouth I thought, ooooh, I might throw up.”

2 boobs

Whiskey Barrel aged selection- This essentially tastes like someone gave me a shot of whiskey, then poured a tiny bit of beer into it. Thankfully this seemed like something they made behind the bar with the “pour mat” and isn’t actually a staple beer( if you can call it that) that is always available.

Lisa- “It makes me want to die.”

1 Boob (only because that’s our lowest possible rating)

And so ends our first time. It was very special, and something I’ll never forget.

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