There’s a DAM lack of boobs in this post! (DILLON DAM BREWERY, Dillon)

8 Sep
This was a record setting weekend.
  • Record number of guest boobs (6)
  • Record number of breweries visited in a 24 hour span (3)
  • Record number of beers tasted in one day (probably around 100)
  • And, for being at the Dillon Dam Brewery at 11:30 on a Sunday morning, the record for the earliest time to start a brewery visit.

I didn’t add that in to brag or to solidify the point that we do in fact have a serious obsession with beer because frankly that statement just makes us look like alcoholics. I really wanted to demonstrate with that point is both Julia and myself have an extreme dedication to this summer mission (we’ve both listed “dedication” as a personal strength on our resumes as a result of this).

After a long day of hanging out with a menagerie of strangers we had just met, two breweries and bar hopping, it wasn’t surprising that most of the members of our party were exhausted the morning after. Except for Juli and I. Just after waking up, Julia almost immediately began navigating our way to the Dillon Dam Brewery. The convo in the room went something like this:

Julia: “Ok looks like we’re only a few miles away from the brewery.”
Megan, Mandy and Amber: “There’s NO way I’m drinking today.”
Me: “I’m excited.”
Julia: “Me too. Get ready, we’re leaving.”

In general we try to stick to the “socially accepted” rule of no alcohol before noon aside from the occasional Bloody Mary or Mimosa but these were dire circumstances and we HAD to visit the brewery before we left. It was a really good thing we made time because this was one of the only breweries that we actually enjoyed EVERY beer.

That’s right, no sour faces, pictures montages of looks of disgust after taking a drink and no beers left undrank (which frankly has actually only happened one other time. We aren’t wasteful people when it comes to alcohol).

As Amber, Julia and I were sitting waiting for the beer to arrive, it was pointed out that I was still wearing my bracelet from the day before. Julia pointed out that it featured the DUI attorney’s number on it, just in case (we did have a LONG drive home).  We sat for about 30 minutes waiting for Mandy and Megan to show up (we were fairly certain that we had been stood up) which included several awkward conversations with our waiter, as we kept reassuring him  that we did need a table for six, and our friends would be there “any minute.”

While waiting, Julia and Amber decided to forgo any sort of real substance and instead order massive desserts.

Like this cobbler.

And this brownie. And they didn't share.

In stark contrast to Breckenridge brewery, our waiter was not only helpful but pleasant to be around. He only gave us 2 pitying looks about almost being stood up, and even offered for us to talk to the brewmaster. Instead our laziness led us to just take a picture of the brewing area where the brew master was probably at.

This was the ONLY brewery that I contributed anything more than dressing appropriately for the boob/beer picture and drinking the beer – I took two pictures! (And you won’t see either of them, because she can’t find them. Thanks for trying, though. –Julia)

Julia thought she should take a picture of me, taking pictures

The brewery was delightful because most things are just referred to as Dam. You could get shirts, cups, mugs, hats and pretty much anything with a dam inappropriate remark on it.

And now the beer, which as previously mentioned was VERY high ranking on our overall satisfaction of beers at breweries.

Delightful. All delightful.

Hefe weizen – This looks like a murky lake. Citrusy, like orange juice and beer . Only with a small armpit aftertaste.

4 boobs because it’s the only hefeweizen we like but we still don’t REALLY like it.

It merited its own picture, since we actually liked it.

McLurhr’s Irish Stout – Has nitrogen in it which gives it good head. Much more alcoholic tasting than other stouts.

4 boobs – pototent, powerful, flavorful

Sweet George’s brown – Tastes like a stout but not as smooth. Tastes like candy.
3 boobs

Extra pale ale – Full – bodied, nice flavor afterwards

Damn straight lager – Doesn’t taste like a lager. We finally found an Amber we like!

Lisa – 3 Boobs

Julia – 4 Boobs

Damn Lyte – Lightest in color, calories and alcohol.
“I already don’t like it because it’s light in alcohol.”

Bitter. More so than other pales.

Paradise Pilsner – Just kind of there. Not too notable.

2 Boobs

Wilderness Wheat: Hint of grassiness but still good.

3 boobs

What’s classier than putting stickers on your nipples? – Breckenridge Brewery (Breckenridge)

1 Sep

After a full day of mountain drinking we decided the best place to wind down would be none other than Breckenridge Brewery. We had heard a lot of good things about this brewery, especially their vanilla porter.

First of all, we’d like to say thanks to our guest boobs of the weekend, Megan, Mandy and Amber for joining us on one of the best weekends ever.

Now that's a handful

Upon arrival we did what any group of five girls would do; casually wait by the bar and wait for someone to get us beer. It worked. After a very unpleasant dealing with the hostess, who was really rude (Although it probably didn’t help that Amber and Lisa said loudly while she was in earshot that she was a bitch. –Julia) and a considerable wait for a table, we were finally seated (Although we had beer, so it was fine).

Our waiter was also pretty short-tempered

He made the mistake of bringing us a single Breckenridge brewery sticker. A small argument ensued about who would get to have the sticker, before we decided it would be much easier to simply ask the waiter for more stickers and save ourselves from a five-woman deep catfight/brawl. When we asked, the waiter rolled his eyes, but at least he brought enough stickers for everyone.

The following photo montage demonstrates what good use of these stickers we made.

I don't know why no one thought of this as a promotional idea yet

Miss Conservativve

But really as inappropriate as it may SEEM to put brewery stickers on your nipples, what better FREE advertising could any establishment want? (And really, as drunk as we were, and how slutty we were dressed, someone was bound to have a nip slip, had we not MacGuyvered ourselves a solution –Julia) .

As the men at the table that we didn’t know/had just met kept changing, it was difficult to keep track, and also really awkward when everyone left the table except for me, Amber, Julia and the man who was to be nicknamed Pasties.

Amber realized that Pasties had a Dale’s Pale Ale can around his neck. She asked if she could have it. Being the nice person that she is, she offered to show him a surprise if he gave it to her.

He said it depended on the surprise. So she flashed him.

Not what he was expecting

Then, we convinced him that he should put stickers on his nipples, too.

And he agreed?...

Us: 1 Breckenridge Hippies with nice teeth: 0

Other highlights of the night included:

  • A rather intense conversation about the perfect nipple (quarter-sized apparently) and the number one reason for guys wanting to put them in their mouths (because “they’re cute”).
  • A secret handshake that was SO secret we forgot it moments after making(obviously to ensure no one else would find it out). All we can remember say is that it involved some sort of high-five and a boob grab of some sort. At this point in the night it’s tough to say whose boobs exactly we were grabbing but they most likely weren’t our own.
  • Our least transient guest of the night, New York also had this, among many other things to add to the conversation. “What do you call 5 Mexican’s drowning?” — “Good News?”

We had our waiter tell us all of the beers on the sampler, then called him back to tell us again, and then finally made him draw a diagram so we could remember.  Based on said diagram, here’s the rundown of the beer ratings as we remember them.

Vanilla Porter: Very Vanilly. Pretty much like ice cream mixed with beer. Fantastic.

4 and a side boob (This beer is to go head to head with the other 4 ranked beers in the ultimate show down of beers to determine the true best 5 boob beer.)

Agave: Tastes like a wheat beer. Smells like tequila.

Julia: “If I wanted to drink tequila I would just drink tequila”

Me: “I’m excited for it”

3 Boobs

Summer: Summery, like a dandelion.

3 Boobs

Avalanche: Initial thought on this beer? “I hope it tastes like a Duchene because he’s a hottie”
Thoughts after drinking this beer? “If I was to lick a hockey player this is what it would taste like.”
A little salty
Julia – 3 boobs
Lisa – 4 boobs

Oatmeal Stout: Tastes the same as all other Oatmeal Stouts
3 boobs

Pale – Spicy Aftertaste.

Julia – 2 Boobs

Lisa –3 Boobs

Buddha – Cloves and Bananas, as usual. Tastes remarkably like Sweaty Betty from Boulder Beer, which is cool, if you’re into that.

2 Boobs

IPA – Very Strong, very intense

3 boobs

After our waiter circled our table about a dozen times, hoping to get us to pay and leave, we finally headed out. We were walking down the street joking about how we could never show our faces in that brewery again after our debaucherous activities, when Amber realized that she left her camera, and that we needed to go back before our waiter discovered it at our table and threw it away based on the tip we left him.

Julia, Amber and I headed back the brewery to retrieve the camera (which we did, with no help from the waiter who was a jerk about it) and realized that we needed a rally vomit if the night was going to continue. So we took a quick detour to the bathroom for a group bulimia session.

Conversation in the bathroom:

Julia: “C’mon Lisa, you can do it! I threw up twice already! Once you do, you’ll feel so much better!”

Me: “I can’t…I tried like six times, but it’s not working…”

This is friendship at its finest.

Overall awards for this brewery:

Least friendly

Brewery visited most drunk

Most number of vagabonds at our table

Most number of people to vomit in one bathroom at a time

Most creative use of stickers

Sadly, this was from a classier time in the evening

It’s a Lady Homosexual Weekend! (Breckenridge Beer Festival)

25 Aug

We decided to kill about 6 birds with drunk stones, and went to the Breckenridge Beer Festival. We were also surprised to find that we have friends that are girls, and convinced 3 of them to go with us. Since we were all staying in one room at the Holiday Inn (at a very cheap price thanks to Mandy’s friend) it was clearly going to end up being a lady homosexual weekend. Or, at least, that’s what a high number of males kept asking.


“We’re all going up to Breck this weekend,”

“Oh yeah? If you’re all in one hotel room, does that mean you’re going to be drunk and sharing beds?”

Our first stop on the way was to pick up Mandy, who lives in a neighborhood where there are always children. Or, at least we thought.

No children here, except the sweet Baby Jesus

Once we had checked in to our hotel in Frisco and meandered over to Back Country Brewery for lunch/pregaming we boarded the free shuttle to Breckenridge to get wasted at the beer festival.

Here we met the first of our colorful cast of characters that eventually joined us for the rest of the day.

Amber, Lisa, Mandy and Megan were all sitting in the back of the bus next to 3 skateboarding troubled youths, a guy missing half of his front tooth, a guy wearing neon yellow sunglasses and a guy who apparently got offended at being called a gypsy.

As usual, a convo started up between everyone, with two of the guys claiming that they don’t pay their taxes. Seeing as this is one of the top signs of being a gypsy, a lot of name calling commenced.

Lisa looked sad to be sitting next to Half-Tooth, who clearly smelled terrible, but still thought it was okay to talk to us. When someone mentioned the blog, we said we assumed he couldn’t read it because he clearly didn’t own a computer with Internet service. He whipped out his phone and said he could read it there.

He then turned to his friend to start discussing whose lawn he was planning on camping out on that night.

Thankfully since I was sitting next to him I couldn’t see that he had only half a tooth and got to sit ignorantly thinking he had a sexy hockey player beard and the horrible smell was from too much athleticism. Thanks to everyone else for ruining this for me.  – Lisa

The other guy who had proclaimed that he didn’t believe in paying taxes (I don’t know why that concept offends me so much, but it truly does. We all have to pay taxes. It’s how it works) got miffed and stopped speaking to us when Amber called him a gypsy to his face. (I’m not sure why we were so surprise they didn’t pay their taxes since we did meet them on a vehicle of public transportation. )

In the meantime, the guy with neon sunglasses (who we dubbed “New York” because that’s where he was from) started guessing where we would all end up at the end of the night. This is what he determined

Megan: Probably lost in the woods

Mandy: In jail, most likely for hitting someone

Amber: Taking care of everyone else

Lisa: Making out with random guys

Me: Wildcard

By this time we had reached the festival, so we said goodbye to everyone and went on our way, assuming we’d never see any of them again. Little did we know.

The Beer Festival was glorious. Dozens of brewers from across the country were there with some of their most popular beers. Our cups looked like we were about to give pee samples, and the brewers had a lot of IPA’s.

DISCLAIMER: If you expect this post to have anything beer related, you’re on the wrong post. We didn’t take a single note on beer. (It would have been impossible with the frequency in which we were re-filling our cups). The only thing we remember is that there was a delicious green chili beer somewhere and when they start to run out of beer nothing gets you to the front of the line faster than a nice rack.

Thongs and Beer Festivals lead to Babies. It's just good marketing on their part

We asked a man to take a picture of all of us.

Man: “Which camera should I use? Yours or mine? Haha.”

Julia: “Mine.”

Man: “Can I take a picture to send to my wife?”

Mandy: “Do you want to get divorced?’

He must have really liked the view...

We finally saw the elusive Firkin
note: this is the only beer related term that will be used in this post

Someone fell over it, dropped their beer, and everyone booed. I love beer festival comraderie.

We learned that wearing slutty dresses has a purpose. You can keep your cup in your cleavage. I feel this will come in VERY handy at the Great American Beer Festival.

Boobs are so useful.

Too bad the beer being poured DID NOT GO with the beer in the cup

Mandy somehow recognized New York from the bus, yelled at him, and then had him join our entourage for the rest of the day.

And we took a picture with him, as though he was a celebrity

Later, he and I traded sunglasses.

We saw a man with a tramp stamp (Mamp-stamp), and chased him to get a picture of it

He may as well have a bullseye tatooed there. To match the arrow he had tattooed about his penis. No, seriously.

We decided to take a dip in the lake. And by decided, I mean that Lisa was a bitch, and threw my shoe in the water.

And clearly she's kicking at it, to make it go further in

I had to go get it

I threw her cup in, in retaliation. Too bad there was no more beer, and it turned out to not be her cup.

Then we all got in.

(Directly following this picture was taken we all playfully splashed water on each other and then had to go back to the room and all undress and dry each other off….PSYCH!)

Mandy ran in to her friend Fox, who was very nice, but had also recently “gotten back in to town” (I’ll let you decide what that means).

Yes, his name is Fox and yes, he did have a tattoo of a Fox. (See below)

He was also gentlemanly enough to let us take our blog’s first Guest Moob Shot.

We believe in equal opportunities on this blog.

After the festival. Fox bribed us with the promise of crepes, so we headed down the street to go to the crepes stand he worked at.

Megan, Amber and I were walking slightly behind and all looked confused when we passed the crepes, and instead watched Lisa and Mandy head into a bar.

Apparently they were just planning on going in to pee,  but the old men out front said that there was no way the two of them could get to the bar for drinks because it was packed and they themselves had failed. The girls took that challenge and said that if they did, the men had to buy them shots. Of course they were at the front of the bar about 5 seconds later.

And then they had to buy us all shots.

Us: 1Middle-aged men: 0

After the bar, we headed to Breckenridge Brewery, where we were mean to the waiter, used stickers as pasties, and had a group bulimia session. We also convinced one guy to ALSO wear stickers as pasties, then referred to him as such for the rest of the night.

Afterwards, while walking to the next bar, we asked Pasties how his pasties were.

Pasties: “I took them off,”

Lisa, Julia, Amber: “Booooooooooooo”

He stormed off. If you couldn’t tell, we were really good at making friends. (Actually, I think at one point we counted the total of people we pissed off in Breck, and it took two hands to count, so we said we couldn’t ever go back).

Amber lost her camera, so Lisa and I went with her to retrieve it while Mandy and Megan went with New York and Pasties.

We got horribly lost, had no idea where they had gone. We drunkenly stopped to ask the guy sitting on the bench, texting.

Benchie (as we began calling him) told us he had no idea where the bar in question was, but would we want to go to a Tool coverband concert instead?

Lisa almost had a heart attack right there, as Tool is her favorite band in the world. Amber and I agreed to go, until we learned it was a $12 cover charge. However, we somehow gypsy-tricked the bouncer into letting us in for $6.

As we stood waiting for the band to start, Benchie and his friend Squirrel (nicknamed because he had a skunk in the shape of a two on his shirt that I mistook for a squirrel) attempted to talk to us. Which led to


Amber (flirtatiously): “I’m really thirsty. I wish someone would buy me a beer right now.”

Benchie (without missing a beat): “Yeah? Well I’d like a blowjob right now, but we can’t always get what we want, can we?”

Julia: “If she gives you two blow jobs, can I get a beer too?”

He did end up buying us beers, then abandoned us to go play more with his phone. Squirrel wandered off, Amber and I got bored by the band and we went to find our friends, who were at a local dive bar.

We found them taking tequila shots with MORE old men and playing pool. (Also, fun note, Megan started juggling pool balls. She has video of that, and, the entire trip, but we have decided to NEVER watch it). Based on momentary lapses in drunkeness we remember the following clips of video being taken; a few ass -flashings, a convo about drug consumption and REAL lady homosexual tendencies and a 360 view of the last bar we went to that we remember.

We discovered this lobster on the outside of a Subaru.

This is what happens when you drive drunk in the ocean.

The word of the night was Twat-swatting.

Twat-swatting (v.) – this is the female equivalent of cock-blocking. However, we only did it because some of us didn’t have our phones and it would’ve been difficult to find them in the morning. Normally, we don’t believe in twat-swatting, as we feel that all ladies should have the right to go home with whoever they want.

Finally, on the way back to the car, someone knocked on the window of a school bus in a parking lot, which woke up the children who were sleeping in it. The last thing we heard as we drove away were their terrified screams.

And with that, our ridiculous day came to an end, and we went back to the hotel, where we all braided each other’s hair, and had pillow fights.

3 Simple Ways to Abort a Baby (BACKCOUNTRY BREWERY, Frisco)

23 Aug

If the title didn’t get your attention (and the attention of pro-life activists) then the pictures will. Our first brewery of the great Breckenridge brewery festival weekend with all three of our lovely guest boobs and the best view from any brewery we’ve visited BY far.

This is why mountain drinking is great

Thanks to guest boob Mandy, a former Summit County resident for telling us about this brewery, getting us to it and also for knowing Jason who very kindly got us a room to stay in for the night.

Backcountry is tucked away in the mountains, and has the perfect combination of good beers and good food. They have a variety of custom pizzas which were amazing.

No post is complete without a picture of the food we gorge ourselves on

They don’t have very many beers here (5 regular, 2 seasonal) but look what they DO have!

Pig growlers!

After graciously handing over the only beer that came with a orange to Megan (it’s her only form of birth control) the topic turned to accident babies and we heard what anyone suspecting an unwanted pregnancy would want to hear.

“Oh. no, its fine. I can take care of that for you.” –Mandy.

Turns out Mandy’s in the (earplugs for all you conservatives out there) abortion business! We immediately began asking questions, as she explained the three spectacular ways to “take care of it”.

1. Hot Tub - This is similar to what happens to a hard boiled egg but with less salt.

2. Stairs - Not too creative but effective noneless.

3. Get mugged - We probed quite a few times to figure out how this lead anything more than a loss of purse but the answer about how this could help with an unwanted pregnancy never really came out. (I think the point was that if  you’re pushed around enough, you lose the baby? –Julia)

Our waiter, who was very nice, REFUSED to take off his sunglasses the entire meal, which made us feel as though we were being served by a spy. A spy whose code name is Chilly Willy.

Amber yelled, "Thanks Chilly," when we left. He looked sad.

Amber concluded that he probably has a small penis, and just tells people its cold out.

(As a former server, I can only imagine what he did to earn that nickname. Especially for them to change his server name to that. –Julia)

Now, for the beers…

Look at the size of those...samplers

Wheeler Wheat- Nice wheat aftertaste. Served with an orange. It was very light and refreshing.

Julia- 4 boobs

Lisa 3 boobs

Telemark IPA- Light. In fact, it’s one IPA that we could drink a whole one. Usually IPA’s are a kick in the face. This was more of a light slap.

4 boobs

Peak One Porter- It smelled like nature, which odd for a porter. It also tasted like nature. Great beer for the outdoorsy types who like to incorporate that into their drinking.

3 boobs

Cask IPA- It did feel like a beer, and was very smooth for an unfiltered IPA.

Julia- 3 boobs

Lisa- 4 boobs

Switchback Amber- This was a good amber. It didn’t leave the normal cottonmouth aftertaste that ambers do.

3 boobs

Julia: I don’t like ambers.

Lisa (whispering to Amber): I think she’s talking about you.

Amber, after learning that no one likes her

Ptarmington Pilsner- This beer tasted like a rodent cage. You know, after you let it sit for awhile, and it’s filled with excrement and woodshavings. Picture that, but in beer form.

Me: “This tastes like rodents. I guess that’s why they named it ptarmington.”

Julia: “Ptarmingtons are birds.”

Me: “Whatever.”

1 boob


*Disclaimer- we loved loved loved this brewery. Except for this beer. This was the one bad thing about the place.




Ve had a Vonderful Time! (Vell, as much as you can in Fort Collins) – Fort Collins Brewery, FOCO

20 Aug

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Preface to this post is that we are very excited to visit the NEW location of the Fort Colllins Brewery and hope to make it up to their Grand Opening next weekend.

After the hectic afternoon of trying to hustle our way into the New Belgium Brewery, then the constant heckling from the guide I had to endure and finally the hilarity of being mean to parents at breweries, we headed towards our next Fort Collins adventure.

Bikes everywhere! You would've thought we were in Boulder, but with less civilization and more boring.

After a brief stop at Odells, where we learned that tours last about 5 minutes (we missed it because we were five minutes late) we headed towards the elusive Fort Collins Brewery. It wasn’t until much later that we realized we were going to have to visit Fort Collins AGAIN to visit this Odell’s and the Anheuser factory. This statemtn alone is grounds enough to ruin the rest of our summer.

This mystical brewery was never on our list. We didn’t even know it existed until about a month ago when I stumbled upon it on the 4th of July. I went to pick up beer for a BBQ at Total Beverage (one of the most magical liquor stores in the state, but that’s a completely different post) and while standing in front of the beer, was approached by some man, asking if I had tried the pomegranate wheat beer and if I’d like to sample some in the back.

My friend and I assumed this was legit, and that he probably wasn’t going to rape and murder us in the back of the store, so we followed.

(I’m really glad this was a legit back-room tasting that didn’t end in a double homicide because otherwise I would have to finish all the rest of these brewery visits on my own and there would be no one to document the trips with notes and pictures. – Lisa)

The pom-wheat beer was from a small brewery in Fort Collins aptly named the Fort Collins Brewery. I excitedly called Lisa, and we added it to our Fort Collins agenda (because Fort Collins is only okay when you have a very specific purpose, plan and time of escape).

We visited on one of the last days that FCB was located in a shanty, as they recently opened up a much larger facility. The tasting room was tiny, but the beer was pretty good.

I'm excited to see the new facility

At this point, we were pretty wasted, and there were no children around to harass, so our manpanions had to put up with our crap. (Since men and children are basically on the same level of maturity anyway this was essentially the same as harassing children but probably with less legal consequences).


1. Living in Virginia

2. Having a beard

3. Sweating (profusely)

4. Why they don’t enjoy having secret picture montages taken of them

5. Threats that if they keep offering opinions on beer, they’ll have to sit in the car

5. The need to correct people when they may/may not be wrong

Secret picture

About 20 pictures later, when he realized I was taking secret pictures

Lisa’s manpanion is a little more used to this type of drunken beratement from us, than my boyfriend is, so he knew to keep his mouth shut. My BF on the other hand, thought it would be a good idea to tell us that it’s not pronounced “Hefe-WEISAN” but instead “Hefe-VEISAN” which of course led to me and Lisa switching out our “w’s” for “v’s” for the rest of the afternoon (and thus, the title of this post.)

The afternoon ended with a trip to Qdoba and the car ride home where everyone except Lisa’s manpanion fell asleep (which was good, because he was driving.)

Lisa’s manpanion: “Everyone is asleep. You have to stay up and keep me company while I drive.”

Lisa: “No. But you may put your hand on my knee as I sleep.”

*Lisa passes out*

Now, on to the beers.

It's a rainbow of beer! (and boobs)

You get two boob shots today, because we were both so slutty

Chocolate Stout (or as I referred to it, Choco Stout. And if you personally know us, you probably know why I thought it was hilarious)- This was another solid beer. It was a little different that other stouts, as the chocolate flavor actually was distinguishable. Smooth, with a good aftertaste.

Julia: 4 boobs

Lisa: 3 boobs

Hefeweizen- Not vonderful. Although, ve liked it more than ve do most hefeweizens. Filtered, and tastes like bananas and cloves.

3 boobs

Hellebock- It was okay, but kind of tasted liked baby food. (Interesting that baby food tastes “Okay” by our standards)

2 boobs

Colorado Common- This was called the “beer of the Earth.” Don’t know what that means? Us either. This is why we are only doing one brewery a day from now on, because our notes make no sense.

3 boobs

Kidd Lager- A very smoky beer, tasted like bacon. And as we all know, you can’t go wrong when something tastes like bacon.

3 boobs

Z Lager- beery and smoky. Tasted similar to the Kidd, except tasted more like beer and less like a BBQ woodfire grill.

3 boobs

1900 Amber Lager- This was the best comparable to Coors beer yet. Light, and delicious (for a Coors-like beer)

3 boobs

Major Tom- This is apparently the beer they’re known for. Pretty much just consisted of me singing, “Ground control to Major Tom…” then silence because that’s all I know.

2 boobs

Pomegranate Wheat- A sweet beer, although it didn’t taste like pomegranate at all. Like with yogurt, apparently this is a fruit that people throw around the name of, but don’t actually use in the food/drink.

2 boobs (only because they lied)

Retro Red- this beer was a looker and a taster. It was the best red so far.

3 boobs

Rocky Mountain IPA- This is an IPA that stays with you. “It’s still in my mouth. I think it’s filtrated into my saliva”

Julia- 3 boobs

Lisa- 4 boobs

(I’m partial to anything with “Rocky Mountain” in the name and since this was an IPA it was marvelous – Lisa)

And so we leave you with this picture of table groping.

Get a room

Lisa: “Can you two please stop groping each other under the table? The rest of us would like to keep our beer down.”

Julia: “Well, that’s clearly the pot calling the kettle black here.”

Lisa: “All I heard in that sentence was pot.”

Lohaning our way through Fort Collins (NEW BELGIUM, FORT COLLINS)

13 Aug

**The Boobs would like to apologize for the inactivity on the blog. We went to too many breweries, then realized that it takes a lot of time to write about them. However, our vacations to Washington DC and San Diego respectively made us realize how lacking the rest of the country is for craft beers, and renewed our enthusiasm for our mission.

The first thing to note about New Belgium is that the tours run every 15 minutes 5 days a week and that you can reserve your tour time online. What this means is that the tours on Fridays and Saturdays fill up months in advance.

We went on a Friday, the day before my birthday as a part of Julia-Palooza (my weeklong birthday celebration) and because my boyfriend was in town and wanted to see it.

Of course I was running about 20 minutes late, so we were rushing to get to FoCo by the tour time.


The drive up to FoCo was interesting. There was terrible traffic, which was not helping us getting there on time. We were also traveling next to a military convoy. Lisa’s manpanion (who was driving) refused to drive in a way that we couldn’t get a picture of the hot soldiers with guns.

This was the best Lisa could do

This was an especially whorish brewery tour, as I was THISCLOSE to a nip slip, and Lisa mistook a long shirt for a dress and therefore wasn’t wearing pants.

One step away from Lohan-ing it

*Note- Lohaning (v.) Flashing your cooter for everyone to see because you’re not wearing panties. Happens especially when drunk, and while getting out of cars.

When we arrived, it was well past our tour time. New Belgium keeps a girl in sunglasses underneath a tent in the front with a list of names for the tour. It’s like trying to get into a very trendy nightclub, which of course made it that much worse when we were rejected.

We asked Host if we could hop on the tour. She said no. She did suggest that we put our names on the waiting list for the tour that was in 15 minutes, although she said there were still no guarantees that we’d get to go.

We tried everything to schmooze. I told her it was my birthday. Nothing. We tried to get one of the males to go up and compliment. They just looked scared at the thought of talking to a girl.

(Good thing both Julia and I have perfected our talking to lady skills – something that comes naturally when you’re a part-time lady homosexual. – Lisa)

So instead we just lurked and waited until she started calling names. We were in luck, we got chosen which means we got stamps.

What a nice lady homosexual stamp

Then, we were excited to discover there was a celebrity in our midst, as the woman that the stamp was modeled after was also waiting to get on the tour.

She was terribly rude to Host. That's not how you treat someone with power.

While we waited, Host gave us tokens to get free beers. This was also the point that Lisa began making fun of me and the BF because of our outfits.

The kicker is that he watched me get ready, knew exactly what I was wearing then put on a matching shirt.

Really, Lisa was just angry that her manpanion wasn’t wearing a shirt to match her salmon dress shirt. Unfortunately, since we were in the middle of nowhere (aka Fort Collins) there were no nearby trading posts for us to buy him a new shirt at.

(This was really disgusting and I was upset that they looked like a pair of 5 – year old fraternal twins going to birthday party. – Lisa)

The tour was supposed to last two hours and they give you several beer samples along the way. The reason it was that long is because the tour guides TALKS AND TALKS AND TALKS. I forgot the notebook, so I was forced to take notes on a postcard, which means they were severely lacking. In fact, here is all that I took away from the tour.

“Tour guide tells really boring stories. I don’t care. Tour guide also appears to have a crush on the Lady CEO who is also a scientist. Is really in to bikes.”

(I think this was brought on by the disheartening feeling we had after being harassed at the very start of the tour, children being on the tour making noises so it was impossible to listen anyway and just the fact that we were in Fort Collins. – Lisa)

If you couldn’t tell, the tour guide and I did not hit it off right away, as he thought I was trying to take pictures of him, and stopped the tour to pose. I was actually trying to take secret pictures of the small girl who had really hairy arms, and had an awkward moment as I told him that I wasn’t trying to take pictures of him.

You know who doesn't care how beer is made? This kid.

He then decided to harass me for the rest of the tour, which, in turn made me dislike him more.

This has no relevance. We just thought it was cool they made a slutty dress out of beer.

The rest of the tour was pretty basic. New Belgium would be an amazing place to work because they give their employees the New Belgium bikes after 2 years and send you to Belgium after 5. However, we were undecided if it would be worth it, because to work there you’d have to live in Fort Collins.

The tour went through the entire brewing process from making the mash to bottling. The whole brewery does have a very fun and inviting environment.

At the end of the tour, right before the tasting room, New Belgium has a slide that everyone has the option of going down. The tour guide and an old man harassed me about going down it. Seeing as I was in a short dress, and didn’t really want to Lohan everyone, I politely declined. One opportunity that I clearly missed was that I didn’t lie and say I wasn’t wearing panties. That would’ve made them shut up.

Lisa decided to brave it, even thought she was wearing a shirt with no pants, but she went down first, so no one was able to get a cooter shot.

(Julia really missed out not doing this slide. I got two skin burns from the amount of skin-to- metal that happened, I had to put my bra back on afterwards because the force of going down it pushed it off completely and there were complaints from boys about it effecting their manly area. – Lisa)

We ended in the tasting room, where I managed to offend the tour guide again, and Lisa ruined a family’s day.

Tour Guide: “What could make the tour better?”

Lisa: “Well, I would really like it if there weren’t any children here because they don’t belong.”

Family of four standing next to Lisa looks horrified. Mom gives her a dirty look, while the Dad chuckles.

Dad: “Yeah, I agree.”

Mom: “This is a learning experience for children! Our daughter had to miss rock climbing today for this”

Lisa: “Seems that it would’ve been more appropriate and healthier to take her to that,”

And with that, our New Belgium Beer tour came to a close. Now, on to the beers. These descriptions are going to be lacking, because writing on a postcard leaves little room for description. We’ll have to revisit the rest of the beers when we journey back to Fort Collins to complete the Odells tour which we also missed because we were 15 minutes late to it.

Mothership Wit- 100% agave. Very cloudy. Takes just like Sweaty Betty, which is NOT a compliment. Lots of banana and clove.

2 boobs

Skinny Dip- this is a really generic beer. It’s not great, but not bad either.

3 boobs

Hagdorn’s Hellis- it’s a style of beer, not just the beer itself.

3 boobs

Sunshine Wheat- Lemony. Tastes like Lemon Zest.

3 boobs

The Only Informational Post on this Blog (BOULDER BEER TOUR, BOULDER)

21 Jul

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Best Wrist Bracelet EVER

As we said in the previous post, it was necessary for us to split Boulder Beer into two trips, because of the brewery tour schedule that only is convenient for hobos and babies.

However, we’re glad that we took the time for this inconvenient tour, because it was the best one we’ve done so far! It was informational, we actually cared and were entertained, and…the tour ends in a room with 6 or 7 pitchers of free beer!

As usual, we were running a little bit late, thanks to me, so we got there about five minutes late. However, what we’ve learned after several instances of rushing places for tours (usually my fault), is that the Boulder breweries are pretty laid back about their tours, unlike New Belgium in Fort Collins, where it’s harder to get in than an elite nightclub.

Our tour guide immediately greeted us, and suggested we get beer before the tour began, and that he’d wait for us. (We also enjoy the tours where you are encouraged to start drinking before it even begins).

We started off in the room with the mash tanks, and got to actually see the guy working on it (This is the first time that’s happened. All the other breweries seem to work similar to the Wonka factory and have secret brewery oompa loompas that brew the beer when no one is looking).

We manged to escape this room with only two close encounters of ruining 50 barrels of beer.

Note: Don’t sneeze into the mashton tanks and try not to trip right in front of them sending yourself into 1,750 gallons of beer sludge.

This brewer was clearly not an ompa loompa

Pre-beer gooey sludge mess

During the rest of this hour-long tour we were taken through the entire process of beer making- from making the yeast to the actual brewing, to the bottling. Then we ended in the tasting room, where Boulder Beer supplied the tour with the pitchers of all of the beers.

At the end of the tour we also got to see some of the first ever canned version of Hazed and Infused as well as the miniature brew system that is available to any Boulder Beer employee that wants to try out and experiment in a small quantity of their own batch of beer which is where some of the most liked beers from Boulder Beer have started out.

Because we usually only half pay attention when people talk, even when it’s interesting, here are the highlights from the tour.

  • Boulder Beer is a 50 barrel brewhouse
  • They put their grist hopper in the wrong spot and have to use a giant tube to get it into the mash tanks. This could have been easily avoided if the original design of the brewery had been done BEFORE they were testing the beers.
  • "Shouldn't we put this by the mash tank?" "Details..."

  • Beer actually comes in barrels as a unit of measurement, but that term isn’t usually used because it would be a pain in the as to have to carry around a barrel, which is equivalent to 2 kegs. That’s why we have handy things like kegs and pony kegs. And Firkins.
  • There are two types of yeast used in their beers. Wheat beers have a special yeast.
  • Secret pictures aren’t so secret when you stick a camera up to someone’s neck, because someone else keeps pointing at their lanyard.
  • He just really wants to save the ocean!

  • Air is bad for beer, really bad.
  • We have no idea where this door goes. Speculation is that it would be a great trick to play on someone you don’t like.
  • Well mortal enemy, what you're looking for is right through that door...

  • It takes the yeast and beer 2-7 days to ferment
  • As the yeast gets cold, it sinks. That’s why the beer tanks are cone shaped.
  • Beer is pumped into aging tanks and sits there for weeks.
  • The same yeast can be used for 10 generations safely, and still give beer a great flavor.
  • There are several different types of hopping, including wet hopping and dry hopping.
  • You can only imagine how many times we snickered, and how many innuendos we made when our guide was talking about “dry hopping”
  • Men can’t be trusted to do anything right, including taking decent pictures. But check out the home-grown hops in the background! We were told none of this hops is actually used in the beers because someone planted it years ago, no one wrote down what kind it is; surprise, surprise.
  • It's like a really bad senior picture.

  • Malt is actually pretty good. It tastes like burnt toast.

    "I could eat this like a snack!"

  • Caramel malt is crunchy and kind of sweet.
  • Hops are weird. They look like rabbit pellets and have a very citrusy, floral smell- just like hoppy beers do.
  • "It looks like a rabbit pooped in your hand."

  • Bad things happen when you stick your hand into a machine.

I bet that guy regrets drinking on the job
  • Lisa hates everyone. (I was the only one that had to return to work after this tour was over and therefore didn’t get to enjoy the beers for as long as everyone else did, hence the angry face.  - Lisa)

Where the footjobs are plentiful (BOULDER BEER, BOULDER)

15 Jul

The whole place has such a Boulder vibe.

To start it should be noted that this brewery had to be done in two parts. First, obviously was the beer drinking and second was the actual tour of the brewery itself. We did the beer drinking a few weeks back and then had to wait for nice weekday to sneak out of work and head to the brewery for the tour because for some unknown reason Boulder beer only does brewery tours on WEEKDAYS at 2pm.

When we arrived to sample the beer and we first noticed a few key things.

1) We were really late – this is not surprising knowing Julia

2) The parking lot is very Boulderish and makes no sense at all and almost deterred from going at all

3) What looked to be EVERY employee was smoking in front of the building which means not only did we get blog content, some good beers and a lot of laughs but lung cancer too!

Even the straws are Bouldery- meaning they're smarmy and eco-friendly. You can see how we feel.

As previously stated we eat constantly so we all ordered food. Not just any food but the most fattening food on the menu. What better compliment to the empty calories we were about to consume in beer than some of the most fat filled foods you can get? Flawless female logic. (Kind of like how I go to the gym before every brewery. –Julia)

And all of it was delicious.

While waiting for our food we were asked by one of the other non-boobed group members (no this was not a highly athletic semi-lesbian female) but one of the males what we were going to do after we finished all our 30 brewery tours and subsequently had nothing more to write about.

The obvious progression for any good alliterative blogger is to continue down the alphabet. So be prepared for our follow-up blog- Cocaine, Cooters and Confined Spaces (We felt we should continue with something unhealthy, something dirty, and a place to do all of it).

I got irrationally angry at the waitress (admittedly) because she was singing and dancing to the awkward 80′s cover band and it was uncalled for. The males decided to challenge our blog with their own entitled “Burritos at Breweries” because every time we go to a brewery with food they order burritos. In case you were wondering it WILL feature a moob rating system.

As a result of Julia dropping her pen under the table, me wearing a short dress, and her taking pictures under the table of me trying to pick up the pen with my feet we also inadvertently started the “Cooters” portion of our next blog early.

I guess Julia's not that good at cooter capturing

 At this point it also got a bit awkward when I proclaimed that I am in fact “better with my feet”. For the rest of the night, the males referred to me as “Footjob”. All jokes aside, footjobs ARE possible.

(I just keep picturing you being an evil James Bond Nemesis. And killing good guys with your feet. After you bang, of course. –Julia)

After devouring his food in record time, one of the males began staring at everyone else’s food as they were still eating.

Male 1: “Do you want some of this?”

Male 2: “No, that’s okay…” 

As you can see by the picture he had his eyes on something else he was hoping to be offered by staring at them.

"Hey it worked for everything else I stared at..."

Our guest boob for the night was Sarah Megill! Since I generally don’t get along with females – EVER, I ran out of female friends after the first guest boob, which means we have to rely on Julia to provide us with additional females to accompany us on the remainder of the brewery tours.

(Good luck on that. I have approximately 5 female friends, Lisa included. If we were doing a blog involving gay men as our companions, we’d be SET –Julia)

Yay! Fun Sarah! (we know so many Sarahs we have to differentiate them somehow)

As we started with the beers we *astonishingly* realized one of the beers on the taster we had already had. Buffalo Gold is also served at the Walnut Brewery and because we were too lazy to ask we have no idea which brewery actually brews this.

I would hope though that if we had asked they would have passed blame to the other brewery. Yes, I said passed blame because this beer is sub-par, especially in comparison to the other beers they serve.

 We also noted most the beers weren’t very cold. but we seized the opportunity as an excuse to drink them faster.

Onto the beers.

The waitress kept looking at us awkwardly as we did this

Buffalo Gold- It’s been less than a week and we still hated it.
1 boob

Cold Hop Spring Ale – Bitter aftertaste.

“It tastes like flowers!”
“Yeah. Bitter flowers.”

Julia -2
Lisa -3 (only because Julia gave it a 2)

Pastime Ale- Not bitter, smells like fruit.
2 boobs

Singletrack Copper Ale- The name serves it justice. Tastes like copper.

“Tastes like if you got a penny stuck under my tongue, then drank a beer. Maybe just half a penny though, not the full thing.”

2 boobs

Sundance- nutty and hoppy
2 boobs

Sweaty Betty- Originally excited for this beer, but then realized it tastes like cloves and rotten bananas. The bananas freaked us out. It’s creative, but weird.
2 boobs (only for originality)

Hazed and Infused- The original. It’s powerful and delicious.
3 boobs

Flashback- “There’s a biscuit in this!” “This tastes like I got it in my nostril”

2 boobs

Lisa probably is smiling because she got an early start on the Cocaine, Cooters and Confined Spaces blog by snorting coke

Planet Porter- WEAKEST PORTER EVER. There wasn’t really a point

“It’s a lady porter. It’s the Smirnoff Ice of porters.”

1 boob, only because it was a disgrace to porters

Mojo Pale Ale- Wasn’t as good as Avery’s.

It PALES in comparison. HAHAHAHAHA.” -Lisa

To be fair, I found this beer was delicious and was only disappointed since it lacked the real kick that the comparable IPA’s had. Definitely a must order if you go to this brewery though.

3 Boobs

Blueberry Beer (seasonal) Kinda Blue- Tastes like tea. Would’ve been better had it not been flat and warm.
“Tastes like tea.”
“What kind of tea?”
“Shitty tea.”

3 Boobs

And that was that. Stay tuned for the review of the Boulder Beer tour, which we really liked. I leave you with this picture of my dress, which matched perfectly with my bra, making it the perfect drinking dress. You, know, just in case.

Gypsy Trickery in Golden COORS BREWERY, GOLDEN

7 Jul

Word of the Week- Gypsy Trickery

If you recall, this phrase was used in the Avery Post. You may have wondered exactly what it meant, and, seeing as that weekend (and this whole week, really) have been filled with gypsy trickery, we thought we should explain.

 Have you ever been tricked into doing something because you thought is was something else? Did someone guilt you into going somewhere awful? Have you ever been lured somewhere under false pretenses? Do you not pay taxes anywhere because you’re a vagabond? THIS IS GYPSY TRICKERY.

We spent the afternoon at the pool, which backfired horribly when we realized that Coors only gave tours until 4 pm. We booked it down to Golden (which, by the way, there is no easy way to get there from Westminster) and showed up about 30 minutes before the last tour bus left.

The nice parking attendant directed us to the line, while I panicked that we weren’t going to make it before the tours closed.

Julia: "What is this?" Amber: "That's a line. Also known as a queue in the UK"

Since we had some time to kill, we began taking pictures with the Coors sign as though it was a celebrity.

We started a trend. Everyone else after us started taking this same picture.

In line, we discussed the merits of bringing children on brewery tours, since they seem to be plaguing us wherever we go. The general consensus was that children don’t belong on brewery tours, and if you as a parent are dragging them along it doesn’t make you “cool” or “hip”.

It pretty much just means you’re setting your child up to be a drunk frat boy, or a drunk whore who those frat boys will sleep with.

It also proves that you as the parent either got pregnant too young and are now attempting to squeeze every last ounce of your youth out of your life but are too cheap to afford a babysitter or you actually think bringing your child to an alcohol factory is a good “family” activity. Either way, it’s a shame you were allowed to procreate anyway.

She'll probably make many, many men very happy someday

*Also, as the sign below reminds us, you cannot bring in more things for your child than necessary. I accidentally loudly made a comment questioning how I was going to use my pretend child as a liquor mule if I wasn’t allowed to bring a diaper bag. (It’s awfully troubling that Coors felt the likelihood of parents using their children as alcohol smuggling devices was so great it warranted a sign to prohibit it. –Lisa)

We actually didn’t have to wait for too long. Coors is really good about continually having busses picking up and dropping people off from the brewery. At first we thought it was strange that they were sending a bus to drive us about two blocks from the parking lot, but as soon as we boarded it became clear this was a gypsy bus.

“Welcome to Golden, Colorado, home of Coors Brewery, Buffalo Bill’s Grave and the School of Mines. On your left, is Olde Town Golden…blah blah blah.”

We had been gypsy tricked into going on a tour of Golden (which is not that exciting, hence the trickery to get anyone to do it.)

Lisa got gypsy tricked into sitting alone on the bus

About 10 minutes later we finally pulled up in front of the brewery, I told Amber that from now on, every time someone gets in my car for me to drive them anywhere, I’m going to take them on a tour of Arvada and my childhood, regardless of where our destination is.

The bus driver assured us that the pools of water surrounding the brewery that actually looked more like black tar were NOT used to make the beer but instead to clean things. Phew. How horrible would that be if a Coors beer actually had some flavor to it?
The first thing we had to do when we were inside was take a tourist picture in front of a cheesy background that we could buy at the end of our tour for the low, low price of 19.99!!

Then, they swiped our driver’s licenses and gave us personalized bracelets (which could double as hospital/prison admittance bracelets later in the day depending on how the tour went), and what looked like cell phones from the 80s.

I'm going to have to call you back. I need to crank the battery in the backpack for my phone so it doesn't die.

These turned out to be our tour guides for the day. The desk lady explained that we were supposed to press the number that coordinated to whichever one was on the wall and put the phone up to our ear to hear what they had to say.

The information probably was interesting, but I honestly don’t see how self-tours benefit Coors. Most of the people around us weren’t listening to any of the stops. They were instead rushing to the three free beers at the end. In fact, there was even an option at the start of the tour to forgo the 80’s cell phone tour guide all together and just meander to the tasting room for the free beer. If they really want to make the tour more interesting they should hold races to see who can run past the educational exhibits and drink all three free beers the fastest (bonus points for knocking the most small children into vats of beer along the way!)

However, we took the time to kind of do the tour. This is what followed.

  • Did you know that Coors is made from water from the Colorado Rockies? You probably could’ve guessed, since ALL OF THEIR BEER TASTES LIKE WATER.
  • There are a bunch of flowers all over the brewery because Adolph Coors’s wife really liked flowers.
  • Large boobs are great places to hold things.

We had to figure out some way to juggle our drinking, purses and 80s phones

  • There are subliminal messages in the self-tour. Whenever the man doing the voiceover would mention a Coors beer, a softer woman’s voice would immediately whisper it afterwards. Lisa and I both heard it. Amber didn’t. I guess we know which one of us is going to end up in a cult drinking Kool Aid someday.

What's that, lady's voice? You want me to do WHAT?

  • The Coors Brewery in Golden is the largest self-contained brewery in the world. This means they do all of the brewing, packaging and distribution from there. Which is kind of cool.
  • Acid might be the secret ingredient in their beer. Okay, probably not, but this room was hilarious.

I just bought you these flowers to apologize for the acid spill...

  • There is an elusive Red Keystone. The only place you ever hear about it is the brewery. It’s not sold anywhere. No one knows why this is. And I couldn’t ask, because the 80s cell phone wasn’t answering ANY of my questions.

They cryogenically froze the last one, so that they could bring it back to life in the future, when they have the right technology

Finally we found some really awesome cutouts of giant Coors beer and the proper tourist picture taking commenced. We even talked a stranger into taking the picture of us and didn’t end up with them asking us if we stalking them OR them walking away horribly offended!

These were really cold. You can tell, because the mountains on the bottle are blue

We also came up with the best Halloween costumes ever. Lisa, Amber and I are going to be Slutty Keystones.


Amber: “I’m going to be Key Light because I go down easy”

Lisa: “I’m going to be Key Red because I’m a tease”

Julia: “I’m going to be Key Ice, I guess…because no one likes me?” (Picture me looking sad)


Finally we reached the mecca of shitty beers- otherwise known as the Coors Tasting Room. You get 3 free, pretty decently-sized beers. They’re all on tap and you’re supposed to be impressed because they’ve never left the brewery. It was kind of crowded, you have to finish one beer before they’ll give another, and old ladies will poach your table as soon as you get up, even if you’re planning on coming right back. Did we mention there’s small children running around making messes everywhere? Thanks again responsible parents!

Now, for the beers. Keep in mind we spent most of college drinking an array of Coors products. These are the staples that we compare all of the other beers we drink to, so the descriptions were incredibly hard.

Blue Moon- It tastes like Blue Moon. It’s a light, wheat beer with just a hint of citrus to it. Best served with an orange. It’s a good staple beer if you’re at a bar with limited choices and you want to be slightly classier than everyone else, but not too douchey.

Amber and Lisa- 2 boobs

Julia- 3 boobs

Honey Moon- This is just like Blue Moon, only sweeter.

“I expected to get stung by a bee. It was THAT sweet.”

3 boobs

Molson- “It takes like Key light, only Canadian. Yeah. You know what I mean.”

1 boob

Batch 19- This is their strongest beer. It’s still not great, but it gypsy tricks you into thinking it’s better than it is because it gets your drunk quicker.

2 and a side boob

*Note, we’ve added side boobs into the equation. We don’t believe in half boobs, because that’s dumb, but side boobs make sense. It’s when you’re shirt is just a little too small and you get that weird amount of boob that kind of spills out the side. See: Lisa most of our time in Vegas.

Killians- It’s a red beer, and it definitely tastes like copper.

“For a beer that’s never left the brewery, I expected this to be better.”

2 boobs

Colorado Native- this is the newest beer from Coors, and they’re pretending that it comes from some small, side brewery in the middle of the mountains. It’s their shot at a “craft beer” because they realized that they weren’t going to be able to cut it in Colorado anymore. It’s a solid, mass-produced beer.

“I can’t tell if it’s good or not. It might be like being the smartest kid on the short bus…”

3 boobs

Our outing ended with a stop at the gift shop, where we realized we were JUST drunk enough that buying stuff seemed like a good idea. Gypsy tricked again.

Thanks to Amber for being a guest boob. And for not smashing things when you got angry.

The Time Everyone Got Really Bored With the Beer (WALNUT BREWERY, BOULDER)

27 Jun
After we finished our samplers at Avery, we headed over to Megan’s to regroup and decide on our next stop. Originally we had hoped to go to at least two more breweries, but quickly decided that ending up blackout drunk on a Saturday afternoon was not classy. And with a blog title like “Boobs, Breweries and Beer” we really know how to keep it classy.

We decided to go to Walnut Brewery, just off of Pearl Street in Boulder because it was walking distance. (Damn we’re good role models.)

This was the coolest thing about this place.

Megan excitedly ran upstairs to her house to get her Mug Card (Walnut does a special program, where you get a Mug Card and every time you have a beer, you get points for it. Once you reach a certain amount of points, you get a really big cup and can fill it up for a cheaper price. If we had enjoyed any of their beers, we probably would’ve been more excited about this program).

*Side note- At this point in our day, Lisa kept claiming she felt completely fine, but had begun talking to animals. On the drive over, she waved quite earnestly at a dog in a truck and was offended he didn’t wave back. She tried again later in the day and luckily this time she was able to discern between dog and human and got a firefighter to wave back. For those of you keeping track, we’re 2 for 4 for spotting firefighters at breweries. This behavior continued the rest of the afternoon, as she communicated with 2 spiders, a very dirty cat that was missing patches of fur and a bird that clearly had a beak too big for its body. See pictures below.

Talking to her new friend, a spiderShe was like a really drunk Disney Princess


We decided to sit outside and enjoy the nice weather. As you can see, the scenery was riveting.

This made us miss rooftop patios

As we went to sit down, the man at the next table looked over at us.

“Weren’t you guys just at Avery? Are you stalking us?” he joked.

Although this does seem like something we would do, normally Lisa and I keep our stalking limited to “online investigative journalism” or to attractive men who have money.

We informed him that we weren’t, but proceeded to have a delightful conversation with him and his wife. We even convinced them to take an Honorary Boob picture.

Because apparently we can’t go anywhere without eating, we ordered the ballpark pretzels and also the flaming cheese.

Soon we’re going to have to rename the blog “Boob’s, Breweries, and Double Chins"

We ordered the sampler which consisted of 8 beers, plus we added on a seasonal sampler which actually changes about every month.

"Remember that time we had 17 beers at Avery? Me too. I miss that"

Onto the beer reviews.

If this post seems mildly indifferent and not as sparkling as usual, that’s because that’s how I would describe Walnut Brewery and its beers. They’re nice, but they’re not great. The food was decent, the beer was decent, the scenery was decent. This brewery is riding on the fact that they’re pretty much in the heart of Boulder.

As we sampled the beers and became more and more dissatisfied, Megan insisted that she’d enjoyed the beers here before. “A lot of times, I get combinations of two beers.” This was a serious tip-off that we were in for an unenjoyable series of beer.

We decided to do that with our last two samplers. It didn’t help. We all agreed that a beer should be good enough to stand on its own, and overall, none of the beers at Walnut Brewery were able to do that. The good news is the sampler was very cheap, with each 4 oz. beer costing less that $1. The bad news is that none of the beers excited us. At all. Had we been on a date with these beers none of us would have heard word he said but assumed he was an accountant and obviously have no personal interests, goals, or friends. While we would recommend Walnut as a slightly nicer place to go in Boulder, go for the food. Don’t go for the beer.

Then we all got kind of tired.

Now, for the beers.

Seasonal Wheat- This beer tasted really similar to the white rascal. It had a very fruity aftertaste, which seemed to taste strongly like bananas and fructose.

Megan: “If diabetes was a beer. This would be it.”

2 boobs

Buffalo Gold – This is the basic beer at Walnut. It was good, but very non-descript. This is their version of Coors. It’s just kind of there.

(This was the point that Lisa started talking to birds.)

"Did you see him hop? Did you see how big his beak was compared to his body?"

Indian Pale Ale- Again, this was a very general beer (do you notice a theme for this post yet?)

“This beer is the equivalent of that really nice guy your friend sets you up with. He’s nice and you go out with him a few times to appease everyone, but then you tell him you’re not looking for a relationship. This beer is missing the zsa-zsa-zu.”

2 boobs

James Red Ale- Okay, this review is just becoming sad. I didn’t even bother to write anything in my notes for this one. That’s how boring it was.

Julia: “I just spilled it on myself.”
Lisa: “You should’ve expected that.”

2 boobs

Big Horn Bitter- This was a not-so-bitter bitter beer.

Megan and Julia – 1 Boob
Lisa – 2 Boobs

Old Elk Brown Ale- This one tasted like Reverend Bathtub at Avery. Which means that it wasn’t flavorful as you drank it, then tasted like dishwater after.

2 Boob

Devil’s Thumb- – Again, we actually had nothing to say and at this point were considering not drinking any of the rest of the beer.

1 Boob

White Pelican Pilsner – Worst pilsner ever.

1 Boob

No one had a favorite. No one could even really come up with a Top 3 list.

Walnut Brewery=Meh.


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