Archive by Author

Parking Your Porsche Diagonally = Not Getting Laid Tonight (DRY DOCK BREWING COMPANY, Aurora)

20 May

For those of you generally quit reading within the first paragraph and don’t ever make it to the description of the beer, this isn’t the post to do that on. If anything, stop reading now and skip to the descriptions.

For those of you that just go for the boob/beer pic, you’re lucky enough to get TWO shots this time,  so you might want to move on as well.

For the one reader we have remaining with the attention span longer than 47 seconds (who is probably either dating one of us or trying to) here’s the story with this brewery.

We visited Dry Dock Brewing Company after going to Crate and Barrel and picking out matching napkin holders. Actually it was Copper Kettle Brewing Company but the experience is pretty much the same. Needless to say, with no male tricked into driving us one of us had to drive (not me!) I was *forced* to drink almost all the beer so this brewery got a bit hazy for me and resulted in multiple instances of vomiting (You should pity her. Our nights generally end with me yelling “Drink! We don’t leave any beer behind!” She’s such a trooper. –Julia).

Most notably when driving up, this brewery had the douche of all douches at it.  A Porsche (not even a very good one) was parked diagonally across two spots so that no one could park by his car and it would remain scratchless. Naturally, since we’re assholes (especially when we’ve been drinking a bit), this display of douchery was not going to fly. (Should we have shown more empathy because the poor man probably had a small penis? Maybe. –Julia)

After first parking CORRECTLY in the spot next to him we decided it would be MUCH more fitting to follow his lead and ensure that Julia’s Honda Civic also did not get any door dings.

NO ONE TOUCH MY CAR!!

As we parked, then backed out to repark to ensure that we were no more than 6 inches away from his precious Porsche, we noticed a man that must have been The Douche get up and stand in the window to stare at us intently. His face quickly twisted with anger  when I hastily opened the door with no regard for what is certainly the only thing he has in his life worth anything.

If he hadn’t left before us I would have  force vomited right next to his car just for funsies. Instead, he left before us and Julia’s car was left alone. Making it look like she was either a terrible lady driver, or a TOTAL baller. (I hope that this made people question what was so special about my car that I felt the need to park sideways. –Julia)

What up bitches? That's right, this is a 1998 Honda!

After waiting at the bar for an unreasonable amount of time we were finally given two pieces of paper with a drawing of a paddle to write the names of the beers we wanted for our samplers. Illiterate people should steer clear of this brewery as you will leave defeated and thirsty. They give you the beer on a paddle with holes in it for the beers to fit in which is clever since the whole theme of the brewery is nautical related. Which led to me exclaiming by the end of the evening, ”This brewery is wonderful! And makes me want to f*ck a sailor!”

Rowing my way to a table to sit at

They have glass windows so you can see into the whole brewing area and see what happened to be the unfortunate brewer that was there when we were.

What's that? More secret pictures? This time of men with unfortunate hairstyles?

Since they had a lot of beers we had to take breaks in between drinking.

BREAK #1

Vomit break so I could keep drinking the rest of the beers (She politely and calmly excuses herself too. –Julia)

BREAK #2

Vomit break with some champion rallying so I could finish all the beers

BREAK #3

Checking out the hot bald bartender and trying to take a pic of him since a hot bald man is VERY rare.

This sailor got a formal invite to swab my deck anytime

There were a lot of beers to try so we had two paddles.

Beer Descriptions!

Breakwater Pale Ale- Not as bitter as most pales.
J & L- 2 boobs

HMS Victory ESB – We were worried it would be terrible since ESB stands for Extra Shitty Beer. It starts out good, but then the end wasn’t great. Very malty.

3 boobs- still awful, but better than other ESBs

U Boat Hefeweisen- Waves of disgusting. It took everything that we hate about these types of beer (banana and cloves) and somehow enhanced it.

MOOB. In fact, this beer was the Porsche of Moobs.

Who likes the Germans, anyway? Except Matthew McConaghey. He’s hot and on a U-Boat.” (U571 reference)

Paragon Apricot Blonde - It smelled beautiful. The beer is light and delicious, and the apricot flavor tastes natural and overpowers your palate to just the right amount. As far as fruit beers goes this is a winner that even devout IPA drinkers (like myself) will admire.

4 AND A SIDE BOOBS

“I wish I knew what a paragon was. I want to have sex with it.”

HMS Old Ale - In general, we don’t like things that are old. That was just a phase. One that we realized wasn’t going to work out because either they tricked us into thinking they were fun but turned out to be 30 and boring, or that they wanted to have children and settle down and THAT certainly wasn’t going to happen. This beer tasted like raisins. Wrinkly old raisins.

2 boobs

Enterprise IPA- slightly hoppy. Not the best IPA, but nowhere near the worst.

3 boobs

Vanilla Porter- This beer BLEW OUR MINDS. It was like drinking vanilla extract. It was smooth and bursting with flavor.

4 AND A NIP SLIP

Double IPA - ??? We wrote nothing for this probably because we were both still speechless from the Orgasmic beer we had just had a small cat fight over who would get to finish it. (‘Why didn’t one of you just order that as another beer?’ you might be asking. I don’t know. Because. –Julia)

3 boobs

Belgian IPA- “I hate it. If I hadn’t just thrown up, I would have to now. It tastes like the swill of the Hefeweisen.”

MOOB

Pilsner- this is another beer that was just there. Don’t know if we’re just getting too used to specialty beers that we can’t tell when we come a cross a really good one anymore.

2 and a side

“It’s a pilsner. It’s a waste of time and water.”

Daywalker Ginger- This wins for the best name of a beer. It smelled like a spa (in a good way). It wasn’t bubbly and looked like juice. The ginger taste is strong. Good beer to swipe our Firk-card. At least we thought, until we realized that it wasn’t the Firkin Beer (It was a letdown that only sad virgins who don’t want to admit they’re virgins and pretend that oral counts as swiping their v-card then are found out and mocked know) .

4 boobs. This beer will need to go head to head with the Mountain Sun ginger beer.

We learned a valuable lesson about secret pictures at this brewery being that if the flash goes off, its no longer a secret picture. Especially when you’re sitting by the full length window and think it’s hilarious that there’s a guy smoking on a table while middle-aged women flock around him.

Standing on a table while smoking a cigarette does not make smoking any more attractive

There's a DAM lack of boobs in this post! (DILLON DAM BREWERY, Dillon)

8 Sep
This was a record setting weekend.
  • Record number of guest boobs (6)
  • Record number of breweries visited in a 24 hour span (3)
  • Record number of beers tasted in one day (probably around 100)
  • And, for being at the Dillon Dam Brewery at 11:30 on a Sunday morning, the record for the earliest time to start a brewery visit.

I didn’t add that in to brag or to solidify the point that we do in fact have a serious obsession with beer because frankly that statement just makes us look like alcoholics. I really wanted to demonstrate with that point is both Julia and myself have an extreme dedication to this summer mission (we’ve both listed “dedication” as a personal strength on our resumes as a result of this).

After a long day of hanging out with a menagerie of strangers we had just met, two breweries and bar hopping, it wasn’t surprising that most of the members of our party were exhausted the morning after. Except for Juli and I. Just after waking up, Julia almost immediately began navigating our way to the Dillon Dam Brewery. The convo in the room went something like this:

Julia: “Ok looks like we’re only a few miles away from the brewery.”
Megan, Mandy and Amber: “There’s NO way I’m drinking today.”
Me: “I’m excited.”
Julia: “Me too. Get ready, we’re leaving.”

In general we try to stick to the “socially accepted” rule of no alcohol before noon aside from the occasional Bloody Mary or Mimosa but these were dire circumstances and we HAD to visit the brewery before we left. It was a really good thing we made time because this was one of the only breweries that we actually enjoyed EVERY beer.

That’s right, no sour faces, pictures montages of looks of disgust after taking a drink and no beers left undrank (which frankly has actually only happened one other time. We aren’t wasteful people when it comes to alcohol).

As Amber, Julia and I were sitting waiting for the beer to arrive, it was pointed out that I was still wearing my bracelet from the day before. Julia pointed out that it featured the DUI attorney’s number on it, just in case (we did have a LONG drive home).  We sat for about 30 minutes waiting for Mandy and Megan to show up (we were fairly certain that we had been stood up) which included several awkward conversations with our waiter, as we kept reassuring him  that we did need a table for six, and our friends would be there “any minute.”

While waiting, Julia and Amber decided to forgo any sort of real substance and instead order massive desserts.

Like this cobbler.

And this brownie. And they didn't share.

In stark contrast to Breckenridge brewery, our waiter was not only helpful but pleasant to be around. He only gave us 2 pitying looks about almost being stood up, and even offered for us to talk to the brewmaster. Instead our laziness led us to just take a picture of the brewing area where the brew master was probably at.

This was the ONLY brewery that I contributed anything more than dressing appropriately for the boob/beer picture and drinking the beer – I took two pictures! (And you won’t see either of them, because she can’t find them. Thanks for trying, though. –Julia)

Julia thought she should take a picture of me, taking pictures

The brewery was delightful because most things are just referred to as Dam. You could get shirts, cups, mugs, hats and pretty much anything with a dam inappropriate remark on it.

And now the beer, which as previously mentioned was VERY high ranking on our overall satisfaction of beers at breweries.

Delightful. All delightful.

Hefe weizen – This looks like a murky lake. Citrusy, like orange juice and beer . Only with a small armpit aftertaste.

4 boobs because it’s the only hefeweizen we like but we still don’t REALLY like it.

It merited its own picture, since we actually liked it.

McLurhr’s Irish Stout – Has nitrogen in it which gives it good head. Much more alcoholic tasting than other stouts.

4 boobs – pototent, powerful, flavorful

Sweet George’s brown – Tastes like a stout but not as smooth. Tastes like candy.
3 boobs

Extra pale ale – Full – bodied, nice flavor afterwards

Damn straight lager – Doesn’t taste like a lager. We finally found an Amber we like!

Lisa – 3 Boobs

Julia – 4 Boobs

Damn Lyte – Lightest in color, calories and alcohol.
“I already don’t like it because it’s light in alcohol.”

Bitter. More so than other pales.

Paradise Pilsner – Just kind of there. Not too notable.

2 Boobs

Wilderness Wheat: Hint of grassiness but still good.

3 boobs

There’s a DAM lack of boobs in this post! (DILLON DAM BREWERY, Dillon)

8 Sep
This was a record setting weekend.
  • Record number of guest boobs (6)
  • Record number of breweries visited in a 24 hour span (3)
  • Record number of beers tasted in one day (probably around 100)
  • And, for being at the Dillon Dam Brewery at 11:30 on a Sunday morning, the record for the earliest time to start a brewery visit.

I didn’t add that in to brag or to solidify the point that we do in fact have a serious obsession with beer because frankly that statement just makes us look like alcoholics. I really wanted to demonstrate with that point is both Julia and myself have an extreme dedication to this summer mission (we’ve both listed “dedication” as a personal strength on our resumes as a result of this).

After a long day of hanging out with a menagerie of strangers we had just met, two breweries and bar hopping, it wasn’t surprising that most of the members of our party were exhausted the morning after. Except for Juli and I. Just after waking up, Julia almost immediately began navigating our way to the Dillon Dam Brewery. The convo in the room went something like this:

Julia: “Ok looks like we’re only a few miles away from the brewery.”
Megan, Mandy and Amber: “There’s NO way I’m drinking today.”
Me: “I’m excited.”
Julia: “Me too. Get ready, we’re leaving.”

In general we try to stick to the “socially accepted” rule of no alcohol before noon aside from the occasional Bloody Mary or Mimosa but these were dire circumstances and we HAD to visit the brewery before we left. It was a really good thing we made time because this was one of the only breweries that we actually enjoyed EVERY beer.

That’s right, no sour faces, pictures montages of looks of disgust after taking a drink and no beers left undrank (which frankly has actually only happened one other time. We aren’t wasteful people when it comes to alcohol).

As Amber, Julia and I were sitting waiting for the beer to arrive, it was pointed out that I was still wearing my bracelet from the day before. Julia pointed out that it featured the DUI attorney’s number on it, just in case (we did have a LONG drive home).  We sat for about 30 minutes waiting for Mandy and Megan to show up (we were fairly certain that we had been stood up) which included several awkward conversations with our waiter, as we kept reassuring him  that we did need a table for six, and our friends would be there “any minute.”

While waiting, Julia and Amber decided to forgo any sort of real substance and instead order massive desserts.

Like this cobbler.

And this brownie. And they didn't share.

In stark contrast to Breckenridge brewery, our waiter was not only helpful but pleasant to be around. He only gave us 2 pitying looks about almost being stood up, and even offered for us to talk to the brewmaster. Instead our laziness led us to just take a picture of the brewing area where the brew master was probably at.

This was the ONLY brewery that I contributed anything more than dressing appropriately for the boob/beer picture and drinking the beer – I took two pictures! (And you won’t see either of them, because she can’t find them. Thanks for trying, though. –Julia)

Julia thought she should take a picture of me, taking pictures

The brewery was delightful because most things are just referred to as Dam. You could get shirts, cups, mugs, hats and pretty much anything with a dam inappropriate remark on it.

And now the beer, which as previously mentioned was VERY high ranking on our overall satisfaction of beers at breweries.

Delightful. All delightful.

Hefe weizen – This looks like a murky lake. Citrusy, like orange juice and beer . Only with a small armpit aftertaste.

4 boobs because it’s the only hefeweizen we like but we still don’t REALLY like it.

It merited its own picture, since we actually liked it.

McLurhr’s Irish Stout – Has nitrogen in it which gives it good head. Much more alcoholic tasting than other stouts.

4 boobs – pototent, powerful, flavorful

Sweet George’s brown – Tastes like a stout but not as smooth. Tastes like candy.
3 boobs

Extra pale ale – Full – bodied, nice flavor afterwards

Damn straight lager – Doesn’t taste like a lager. We finally found an Amber we like!

Lisa – 3 Boobs

Julia – 4 Boobs

Damn Lyte – Lightest in color, calories and alcohol.
“I already don’t like it because it’s light in alcohol.”

Bitter. More so than other pales.

Paradise Pilsner – Just kind of there. Not too notable.

2 Boobs

Wilderness Wheat: Hint of grassiness but still good.

3 boobs

What’s classier than putting stickers on your nipples? – Breckenridge Brewery (Breckenridge)

1 Sep

After a full day of mountain drinking we decided the best place to wind down would be none other than Breckenridge Brewery. We had heard a lot of good things about this brewery, especially their vanilla porter.

First of all, we’d like to say thanks to our guest boobs of the weekend, Megan, Mandy and Amber for joining us on one of the best weekends ever.

Now that's a handful

Upon arrival we did what any group of five girls would do; casually wait by the bar and wait for someone to get us beer. It worked. After a very unpleasant dealing with the hostess, who was really rude (Although it probably didn’t help that Amber and Lisa said loudly while she was in earshot that she was a bitch. –Julia) and a considerable wait for a table, we were finally seated (Although we had beer, so it was fine).

Our waiter was also pretty short-tempered

He made the mistake of bringing us a single Breckenridge brewery sticker. A small argument ensued about who would get to have the sticker, before we decided it would be much easier to simply ask the waiter for more stickers and save ourselves from a five-woman deep catfight/brawl. When we asked, the waiter rolled his eyes, but at least he brought enough stickers for everyone.

The following photo montage demonstrates what good use of these stickers we made.

I don't know why no one thought of this as a promotional idea yet

Miss Conservativve

But really as inappropriate as it may SEEM to put brewery stickers on your nipples, what better FREE advertising could any establishment want? (And really, as drunk as we were, and how slutty we were dressed, someone was bound to have a nip slip, had we not MacGuyvered ourselves a solution –Julia) .

As the men at the table that we didn’t know/had just met kept changing, it was difficult to keep track, and also really awkward when everyone left the table except for me, Amber, Julia and the man who was to be nicknamed Pasties.

Amber realized that Pasties had a Dale’s Pale Ale can around his neck. She asked if she could have it. Being the nice person that she is, she offered to show him a surprise if he gave it to her.

He said it depended on the surprise. So she flashed him.

Not what he was expecting

Then, we convinced him that he should put stickers on his nipples, too.

And he agreed?...

Us: 1 Breckenridge Hippies with nice teeth: 0

Other highlights of the night included:

  • A rather intense conversation about the perfect nipple (quarter-sized apparently) and the number one reason for guys wanting to put them in their mouths (because “they’re cute”).
  • A secret handshake that was SO secret we forgot it moments after making(obviously to ensure no one else would find it out). All we can remember say is that it involved some sort of high-five and a boob grab of some sort. At this point in the night it’s tough to say whose boobs exactly we were grabbing but they most likely weren’t our own.
  • Our least transient guest of the night, New York also had this, among many other things to add to the conversation. “What do you call 5 Mexican’s drowning?” — “Good News?”

We had our waiter tell us all of the beers on the sampler, then called him back to tell us again, and then finally made him draw a diagram so we could remember.  Based on said diagram, here’s the rundown of the beer ratings as we remember them.

Vanilla Porter: Very Vanilly. Pretty much like ice cream mixed with beer. Fantastic.

4 and a side boob (This beer is to go head to head with the other 4 ranked beers in the ultimate show down of beers to determine the true best 5 boob beer.)

Agave: Tastes like a wheat beer. Smells like tequila.

Julia: “If I wanted to drink tequila I would just drink tequila”

Me: “I’m excited for it”

3 Boobs

Summer: Summery, like a dandelion.

3 Boobs

Avalanche: Initial thought on this beer? “I hope it tastes like a Duchene because he’s a hottie”
Thoughts after drinking this beer? “If I was to lick a hockey player this is what it would taste like.”
A little salty
Julia – 3 boobs
Lisa – 4 boobs

Oatmeal Stout: Tastes the same as all other Oatmeal Stouts
3 boobs

Pale – Spicy Aftertaste.

Julia – 2 Boobs

Lisa –3 Boobs

Buddha – Cloves and Bananas, as usual. Tastes remarkably like Sweaty Betty from Boulder Beer, which is cool, if you’re into that.

2 Boobs

IPA – Very Strong, very intense

3 boobs

After our waiter circled our table about a dozen times, hoping to get us to pay and leave, we finally headed out. We were walking down the street joking about how we could never show our faces in that brewery again after our debaucherous activities, when Amber realized that she left her camera, and that we needed to go back before our waiter discovered it at our table and threw it away based on the tip we left him.

Julia, Amber and I headed back the brewery to retrieve the camera (which we did, with no help from the waiter who was a jerk about it) and realized that we needed a rally vomit if the night was going to continue. So we took a quick detour to the bathroom for a group bulimia session.

Conversation in the bathroom:

Julia: “C’mon Lisa, you can do it! I threw up twice already! Once you do, you’ll feel so much better!”

Me: “I can’t…I tried like six times, but it’s not working…”

This is friendship at its finest.

Overall awards for this brewery:

Least friendly

Brewery visited most drunk

Most number of vagabonds at our table

Most number of people to vomit in one bathroom at a time

Most creative use of stickers

Sadly, this was from a classier time in the evening

3 Simple Ways to Abort a Baby (BACKCOUNTRY BREWERY, Frisco)

23 Aug

If the title didn’t get your attention (and the attention of pro-life activists) then the pictures will. Our first brewery of the great Breckenridge brewery festival weekend with all three of our lovely guest boobs and the best view from any brewery we’ve visited BY far.

This is why mountain drinking is great

Thanks to guest boob Mandy, a former Summit County resident for telling us about this brewery, getting us to it and also for knowing Jason who very kindly got us a room to stay in for the night.

Backcountry is tucked away in the mountains, and has the perfect combination of good beers and good food. They have a variety of custom pizzas which were amazing.

No post is complete without a picture of the food we gorge ourselves on

They don’t have very many beers here (5 regular, 2 seasonal) but look what they DO have!

Pig growlers!

After graciously handing over the only beer that came with a orange to Megan (it’s her only form of birth control) the topic turned to accident babies and we heard what anyone suspecting an unwanted pregnancy would want to hear.

“Oh. no, its fine. I can take care of that for you.” –Mandy.

Turns out Mandy’s in the (earplugs for all you conservatives out there) abortion business! We immediately began asking questions, as she explained the three spectacular ways to “take care of it”.

1. Hot Tub - This is similar to what happens to a hard boiled egg but with less salt.

2. Stairs - Not too creative but effective noneless.

3. Get mugged - We probed quite a few times to figure out how this lead anything more than a loss of purse but the answer about how this could help with an unwanted pregnancy never really came out. (I think the point was that if  you’re pushed around enough, you lose the baby? –Julia)

Our waiter, who was very nice, REFUSED to take off his sunglasses the entire meal, which made us feel as though we were being served by a spy. A spy whose code name is Chilly Willy.

Amber yelled, "Thanks Chilly," when we left. He looked sad.

Amber concluded that he probably has a small penis, and just tells people its cold out.

(As a former server, I can only imagine what he did to earn that nickname. Especially for them to change his server name to that. –Julia)

Now, for the beers…

Look at the size of those...samplers

Wheeler Wheat- Nice wheat aftertaste. Served with an orange. It was very light and refreshing.

Julia- 4 boobs

Lisa 3 boobs

Telemark IPA- Light. In fact, it’s one IPA that we could drink a whole one. Usually IPA’s are a kick in the face. This was more of a light slap.

4 boobs

Peak One Porter- It smelled like nature, which odd for a porter. It also tasted like nature. Great beer for the outdoorsy types who like to incorporate that into their drinking.

3 boobs

Cask IPA- It did feel like a beer, and was very smooth for an unfiltered IPA.

Julia- 3 boobs

Lisa- 4 boobs

Switchback Amber- This was a good amber. It didn’t leave the normal cottonmouth aftertaste that ambers do.

3 boobs

Julia: I don’t like ambers.

Lisa (whispering to Amber): I think she’s talking about you.

Amber, after learning that no one likes her

Ptarmington Pilsner- This beer tasted like a rodent cage. You know, after you let it sit for awhile, and it’s filled with excrement and woodshavings. Picture that, but in beer form.

Me: “This tastes like rodents. I guess that’s why they named it ptarmington.”

Julia: “Ptarmingtons are birds.”

Me: “Whatever.”

1 boob

And finally, the WORST BEER WE’VE EVER HAD. EVER. 1 OUT OF 5 OF US DIDN’T PLAN TO VOMIT AFTERWARDS.

*Disclaimer- we loved loved loved this brewery. Except for this beer. This was the one bad thing about the place.

IF THERE WAS A MOOB RATING, THIS BEER WOULD’VE EARNED IT. WE LEAVE YOU WITH THE FOLLOWING PICTURE MONTAGE, OF US PASSING THE SAMPLE AROUND TO TRY.

Before...

...After

Where the footjobs are plentiful (BOULDER BEER, BOULDER)

15 Jul

The whole place has such a Boulder vibe.

To start it should be noted that this brewery had to be done in two parts. First, obviously was the beer drinking and second was the actual tour of the brewery itself. We did the beer drinking a few weeks back and then had to wait for nice weekday to sneak out of work and head to the brewery for the tour because for some unknown reason Boulder beer only does brewery tours on WEEKDAYS at 2pm.

When we arrived to sample the beer and we first noticed a few key things.

1) We were really late – this is not surprising knowing Julia

2) The parking lot is very Boulderish and makes no sense at all and almost deterred from going at all

3) What looked to be EVERY employee was smoking in front of the building which means not only did we get blog content, some good beers and a lot of laughs but lung cancer too!

Even the straws are Bouldery- meaning they're smarmy and eco-friendly. You can see how we feel.

As previously stated we eat constantly so we all ordered food. Not just any food but the most fattening food on the menu. What better compliment to the empty calories we were about to consume in beer than some of the most fat filled foods you can get? Flawless female logic. (Kind of like how I go to the gym before every brewery. –Julia)

And all of it was delicious.

While waiting for our food we were asked by one of the other non-boobed group members (no this was not a highly athletic semi-lesbian female) but one of the males what we were going to do after we finished all our 30 brewery tours and subsequently had nothing more to write about.

The obvious progression for any good alliterative blogger is to continue down the alphabet. So be prepared for our follow-up blog- Cocaine, Cooters and Confined Spaces (We felt we should continue with something unhealthy, something dirty, and a place to do all of it).

I got irrationally angry at the waitress (admittedly) because she was singing and dancing to the awkward 80′s cover band and it was uncalled for. The males decided to challenge our blog with their own entitled “Burritos at Breweries” because every time we go to a brewery with food they order burritos. In case you were wondering it WILL feature a moob rating system.

As a result of Julia dropping her pen under the table, me wearing a short dress, and her taking pictures under the table of me trying to pick up the pen with my feet we also inadvertently started the “Cooters” portion of our next blog early.

I guess Julia's not that good at cooter capturing

 At this point it also got a bit awkward when I proclaimed that I am in fact “better with my feet”. For the rest of the night, the males referred to me as “Footjob”. All jokes aside, footjobs ARE possible.

(I just keep picturing you being an evil James Bond Nemesis. And killing good guys with your feet. After you bang, of course. –Julia)

After devouring his food in record time, one of the males began staring at everyone else’s food as they were still eating.

Male 1: “Do you want some of this?”

Male 2: “No, that’s okay…” 

As you can see by the picture he had his eyes on something else he was hoping to be offered by staring at them.

"Hey it worked for everything else I stared at..."

Our guest boob for the night was Sarah Megill! Since I generally don’t get along with females – EVER, I ran out of female friends after the first guest boob, which means we have to rely on Julia to provide us with additional females to accompany us on the remainder of the brewery tours.

(Good luck on that. I have approximately 5 female friends, Lisa included. If we were doing a blog involving gay men as our companions, we’d be SET –Julia)

Yay! Fun Sarah! (we know so many Sarahs we have to differentiate them somehow)

As we started with the beers we *astonishingly* realized one of the beers on the taster we had already had. Buffalo Gold is also served at the Walnut Brewery and because we were too lazy to ask we have no idea which brewery actually brews this.

I would hope though that if we had asked they would have passed blame to the other brewery. Yes, I said passed blame because this beer is sub-par, especially in comparison to the other beers they serve.

 We also noted most the beers weren’t very cold. but we seized the opportunity as an excuse to drink them faster.

Onto the beers.

The waitress kept looking at us awkwardly as we did this

Buffalo Gold- It’s been less than a week and we still hated it.
1 boob

Cold Hop Spring Ale – Bitter aftertaste.

“It tastes like flowers!”
“Yeah. Bitter flowers.”

Julia -2
Lisa -3 (only because Julia gave it a 2)

Pastime Ale- Not bitter, smells like fruit.
2 boobs

Singletrack Copper Ale- The name serves it justice. Tastes like copper.

“Tastes like if you got a penny stuck under my tongue, then drank a beer. Maybe just half a penny though, not the full thing.”

2 boobs

Sundance- nutty and hoppy
2 boobs

Sweaty Betty- Originally excited for this beer, but then realized it tastes like cloves and rotten bananas. The bananas freaked us out. It’s creative, but weird.
2 boobs (only for originality)

Hazed and Infused- The original. It’s powerful and delicious.
3 boobs

Flashback- “There’s a biscuit in this!” “This tastes like I got it in my nostril”

2 boobs

Lisa probably is smiling because she got an early start on the Cocaine, Cooters and Confined Spaces blog by snorting coke

Planet Porter- WEAKEST PORTER EVER. There wasn’t really a point

“It’s a lady porter. It’s the Smirnoff Ice of porters.”

1 boob, only because it was a disgrace to porters

Mojo Pale Ale- Wasn’t as good as Avery’s.

It PALES in comparison. HAHAHAHAHA.” -Lisa

To be fair, I found this beer was delicious and was only disappointed since it lacked the real kick that the comparable IPA’s had. Definitely a must order if you go to this brewery though.

3 Boobs

Blueberry Beer (seasonal) Kinda Blue- Tastes like tea. Would’ve been better had it not been flat and warm.
“Tastes like tea.”
“What kind of tea?”
“Shitty tea.”

3 Boobs

And that was that. Stay tuned for the review of the Boulder Beer tour, which we really liked. I leave you with this picture of my dress, which matched perfectly with my bra, making it the perfect drinking dress. You, know, just in case.

Boobs on the Road (Brewery Schedule)

25 Jun

So after a wasting a humiliating amount of time trying to figure our how to integrate a Google Calendar into WordPress I’ve conceded that its impossible. Here’s the tentative schedule of which breweries we’ll be visiting this summer.

If you’re thinking of asking one of us to dinner, don’t bother. But, if you’re thinking of asking BOTH of us to dinner we suggest taking us to one of these places that aren’t scheduled but are on the list of breweries to be visited.

Breweries Yet to be Scheduled

Flying Dog

Vine Street Pub
Bull and Bush
Upslope
Cheeky Monk
Pints Pub
Mountain Sun

May 15
Oskar Blues

June 17
Tommyknockers

June 19

Avery Brewery

Walnut Brewery

June 26
Coors

Golden City Brewery (rained out)

July 3 and 4
Wynkoop (still need to do a brewery tour)
Great Divide
Sandlot

July 9
New Belgium
Fort Collins Brewery

July 17 and 18
Breckenridge Beer Fest!!!!
Breckenridge Brewery
Dillon Dam
Backcountry Brewery

July 22
Strange Brewing Company

July 24
Wynkoop Tour

July 31/Aug 1
Pumphouse
Left Hand

August 8
Estes Park
Twisted Pine

August 14
Anheiser Bush
Odell’s Brewery

August 21
Del Norte
Dry Dock

August 28

September 18
Great American Beer Festival

A Cherry Poppin' Good Time – OSKAR BLUES – LONGMONT, CO

18 Jun

So we finally did it. We, at the same time, and the same place, and with the same amount of alcohol in our systems lost our brewery tour virginity. I can honestly say I’ll never be the same and I wouldn’t have wanted to lose it to any other brewery. Oskar Blue’s originally started in Lyons, CO now with most of its brewery operations in Longmont, CO was an awesome first experience – well as good as a first time really can be.

This is the restaurant, not the brewery

When resident Denver blogger Jonathan Shikes (@ColoBeerMan) recommended as his top pick for brewery tours the home of Colorado famous Dale’s Pale Ale we knew just where to kick-off our summer of brewery tours.

After a slight mix up with the Oskar Blue’s Restaurant (also located in Longmont) and the brewing facility itself we got the full experience and haven’t looked back since. The trek (probably only about 8 miles) took our entire afternoon, resulting in lots of getting to know you time with the Droid GPS, a small tangent to Niwot to visit a psychic festival, and lots of highly alcoholic beer which ultimately was the cause of us visiting only one breweries rather than two like we had originally planned.

Woooo! Psychics! This was the shadiest, tiniest festival ever.

The food at the restaurant was fantastic. It’s supposed to be Cajun. Since I have no idea what authentic Cajun food tastes like, I don’t know if it was any good but I can tell you it was good as far as food goes.

Geography lesson the day: Never trust signs in Longmont. Especially signs that supposedly lead you to a psychic fair. Our best guess is they all pointed different directions to try to wean people out that didn’t actually have psychic abilities from attending the fair. After getting duped into a $10 tarot card reading which cost $15 and 17 minutes of precious beer drinking time, Julia was enlightened to that fact that life isn’t perfect.

*(Apparently, I need to find a mentor in my field so that I can learn. He also told me that long distance relationships are hard. –Julia)  

She also received homemade healing oil as a “free” bonus which has magical healing powers that have yet to be seen.

*(The psychic also friended me on Facebook. I chose not to accept, seeing as his advice was so useless. –Julia)

The tour itself was pretty breathtaking traumatizing. That could be because we finished all the beer before the tour not knowing that it was customary to enjoy the varieties of beer during the tour or the fact that like I said, it was our first time ;)

For such a relatively new brewery starting in a grassroots kind of way in little Lyons, CO they really have the makings for a lot of beer there.

During the tour we managed to make several new friends. And by friends I mean we accidently insulted a group of insecure boys that were on the tour. They were all standing in a row based on height, which I said was cute. Somehow, this turned into the shortest one following me around harassing me about my comment. Then, he began making disparaging comments I didn’t even say.

“Are you calling me an oompa loompa? You’re shorter than I am. That means you’re short too.” he said.

Our new boyfriends

Luckily, one of Julia’s hobbies is being a bitch. Apparently saying, “Awww, little guy! No one called you an oompa loompa,” deflates a man’s ego and is a surefire way to get them to avoid you.

(*Since there was no opportunity for him to buy me a drink, I didn’t feel it necessary to be nice. –Julia)

It’s also important to note that they don’t have any bottled beer. All their beers come in cans, we were told by from our Oskar Blue’s long-timer tour guide (she had a pretty decent beer gut, surprise surprise, and an ex-husband who also worked at the brewery). Canning beer is better because it doesn’t let in light and preserves the flavor. Too bad the thousands of other breweries across the world don’t have is wisdom or who knows what kind of amazing, non –sunlight tainted beers we’d have.

So...much...beer!

At the close of the tour we were offered free jewelry in the form of a beer can with a set of beads run through it that you can wear around your neck. These are the same ones you can find at the Great American Beer festival that help you pick out who the truly classy people are.

The tour guide rolled her eyes at the popularity of these necklaces, because they’re a huge hit at festivals, while Julia’s eyes lit up.

*(They were all gone at the last GABF when I got there, so I made out with a guy for the sole purpose of stealing his necklace. –Julia)

To be honest and as a disclaimer for our first attempt at beer descriptions, we ultimately failed at describing the beers from this brewery in any detail that would be helpful at all.  Apologies in advance.  This is what happens your first time. You don’t really know what’s going on, you don’t know what you’re doing, and you realize afterwards what you could’ve done better. We considered having a do-over, but really, who wants to relive their first time?

I'm glad we got to lose our virginity with this moustache.

The sampler cost us a whopping 7 dollars, and was almost worth the $3.50 each.

This was our artsy, overhead picture

Mama’s Little Yella Pils - Tastes like Coors, but with a little more of a kick. It’s really nothing special. When a brewery that was started with the foundation beer with a name so manly and Aley (Ale + “Y”; not what you find digging in a dumpster for left over fish) as “Dale’s Pale Ale” tries to jump to the lager market let’s just say; they fail.

1 Boob

 

Dale’s Pale Ale - This is the staple beer of Oskar Blues and rightfully so. If we were men and were really into this kind of beer (and also not driving) we would have each gotten a pint more of this.

3 Boobs

Gordon Beer - It tasted like weed. Really and truly, stoner or not, this is weed beer.  And by the ratings below, it’s pretty easy to tell who the true Boulderite is of the two of us.

Julia – 1 Boob

Lisa- 4 Boobs!

 

Gubna IPA – Tasted like an armpit. If we could give half boobs, we would. We can’t really discern why this was so unappealing to both of our pallet’s but it really was. The gag reflex not usually associated with drinking beer played a big role when we took a drink of this.

Julia: “We’ll call this, Dale’s Stale Ale”

1 Boob

 

Old Chub – Very Smoky flavored. At first neither of us really jumped on the Chub bandwagon and chugged the whole thing, but after a while we both really decided this was delicious and soon wanted more.

3 Boobs

Tenfidy - Really, really strong, but a good aftertaste.

When I first put it in my mouth I thought, ooooh, I might throw up.”

2 boobs

Whiskey Barrel aged selection- This essentially tastes like someone gave me a shot of whiskey, then poured a tiny bit of beer into it. Thankfully this seemed like something they made behind the bar with the “pour mat” and isn’t actually a staple beer( if you can call it that) that is always available.

Lisa- “It makes me want to die.”

1 Boob (only because that’s our lowest possible rating)

And so ends our first time. It was very special, and something I’ll never forget.

A Cherry Poppin’ Good Time – OSKAR BLUES – LONGMONT, CO

18 Jun

So we finally did it. We, at the same time, and the same place, and with the same amount of alcohol in our systems lost our brewery tour virginity. I can honestly say I’ll never be the same and I wouldn’t have wanted to lose it to any other brewery. Oskar Blue’s originally started in Lyons, CO now with most of its brewery operations in Longmont, CO was an awesome first experience – well as good as a first time really can be.

This is the restaurant, not the brewery

When resident Denver blogger Jonathan Shikes (@ColoBeerMan) recommended as his top pick for brewery tours the home of Colorado famous Dale’s Pale Ale we knew just where to kick-off our summer of brewery tours.

After a slight mix up with the Oskar Blue’s Restaurant (also located in Longmont) and the brewing facility itself we got the full experience and haven’t looked back since. The trek (probably only about 8 miles) took our entire afternoon, resulting in lots of getting to know you time with the Droid GPS, a small tangent to Niwot to visit a psychic festival, and lots of highly alcoholic beer which ultimately was the cause of us visiting only one breweries rather than two like we had originally planned.

Woooo! Psychics! This was the shadiest, tiniest festival ever.

The food at the restaurant was fantastic. It’s supposed to be Cajun. Since I have no idea what authentic Cajun food tastes like, I don’t know if it was any good but I can tell you it was good as far as food goes.

Geography lesson the day: Never trust signs in Longmont. Especially signs that supposedly lead you to a psychic fair. Our best guess is they all pointed different directions to try to wean people out that didn’t actually have psychic abilities from attending the fair. After getting duped into a $10 tarot card reading which cost $15 and 17 minutes of precious beer drinking time, Julia was enlightened to that fact that life isn’t perfect.

*(Apparently, I need to find a mentor in my field so that I can learn. He also told me that long distance relationships are hard. –Julia)  

She also received homemade healing oil as a “free” bonus which has magical healing powers that have yet to be seen.

*(The psychic also friended me on Facebook. I chose not to accept, seeing as his advice was so useless. –Julia)

The tour itself was pretty breathtaking traumatizing. That could be because we finished all the beer before the tour not knowing that it was customary to enjoy the varieties of beer during the tour or the fact that like I said, it was our first time ;)

For such a relatively new brewery starting in a grassroots kind of way in little Lyons, CO they really have the makings for a lot of beer there.

During the tour we managed to make several new friends. And by friends I mean we accidently insulted a group of insecure boys that were on the tour. They were all standing in a row based on height, which I said was cute. Somehow, this turned into the shortest one following me around harassing me about my comment. Then, he began making disparaging comments I didn’t even say.

“Are you calling me an oompa loompa? You’re shorter than I am. That means you’re short too.” he said.

Our new boyfriends

Luckily, one of Julia’s hobbies is being a bitch. Apparently saying, “Awww, little guy! No one called you an oompa loompa,” deflates a man’s ego and is a surefire way to get them to avoid you.

(*Since there was no opportunity for him to buy me a drink, I didn’t feel it necessary to be nice. –Julia)

It’s also important to note that they don’t have any bottled beer. All their beers come in cans, we were told by from our Oskar Blue’s long-timer tour guide (she had a pretty decent beer gut, surprise surprise, and an ex-husband who also worked at the brewery). Canning beer is better because it doesn’t let in light and preserves the flavor. Too bad the thousands of other breweries across the world don’t have is wisdom or who knows what kind of amazing, non –sunlight tainted beers we’d have.

So...much...beer!

At the close of the tour we were offered free jewelry in the form of a beer can with a set of beads run through it that you can wear around your neck. These are the same ones you can find at the Great American Beer festival that help you pick out who the truly classy people are.

The tour guide rolled her eyes at the popularity of these necklaces, because they’re a huge hit at festivals, while Julia’s eyes lit up.

*(They were all gone at the last GABF when I got there, so I made out with a guy for the sole purpose of stealing his necklace. –Julia)

To be honest and as a disclaimer for our first attempt at beer descriptions, we ultimately failed at describing the beers from this brewery in any detail that would be helpful at all.  Apologies in advance.  This is what happens your first time. You don’t really know what’s going on, you don’t know what you’re doing, and you realize afterwards what you could’ve done better. We considered having a do-over, but really, who wants to relive their first time?

I'm glad we got to lose our virginity with this moustache.

The sampler cost us a whopping 7 dollars, and was almost worth the $3.50 each.

This was our artsy, overhead picture

Mama’s Little Yella Pils - Tastes like Coors, but with a little more of a kick. It’s really nothing special. When a brewery that was started with the foundation beer with a name so manly and Aley (Ale + “Y”; not what you find digging in a dumpster for left over fish) as “Dale’s Pale Ale” tries to jump to the lager market let’s just say; they fail.

1 Boob

 

Dale’s Pale Ale - This is the staple beer of Oskar Blues and rightfully so. If we were men and were really into this kind of beer (and also not driving) we would have each gotten a pint more of this.

3 Boobs

Gordon Beer - It tasted like weed. Really and truly, stoner or not, this is weed beer.  And by the ratings below, it’s pretty easy to tell who the true Boulderite is of the two of us.

Julia – 1 Boob

Lisa- 4 Boobs!

 

Gubna IPA – Tasted like an armpit. If we could give half boobs, we would. We can’t really discern why this was so unappealing to both of our pallet’s but it really was. The gag reflex not usually associated with drinking beer played a big role when we took a drink of this.

Julia: “We’ll call this, Dale’s Stale Ale”

1 Boob

 

Old Chub – Very Smoky flavored. At first neither of us really jumped on the Chub bandwagon and chugged the whole thing, but after a while we both really decided this was delicious and soon wanted more.

3 Boobs

Tenfidy - Really, really strong, but a good aftertaste.

When I first put it in my mouth I thought, ooooh, I might throw up.”

2 boobs

Whiskey Barrel aged selection- This essentially tastes like someone gave me a shot of whiskey, then poured a tiny bit of beer into it. Thankfully this seemed like something they made behind the bar with the “pour mat” and isn’t actually a staple beer( if you can call it that) that is always available.

Lisa- “It makes me want to die.”

1 Boob (only because that’s our lowest possible rating)

And so ends our first time. It was very special, and something I’ll never forget.

Welcome to our blog

10 Jun

Hello, and welcome to the wonderful world of Boobs, Breweries and Beer. Here we’ll be posting reviews of hundreds of beers from 30 different breweries in Colorado. Please leave comments and recommendations and enjoy!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 45 other followers

%d bloggers like this:
compare-insurers.com