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I have a Disney shirt. I wear it when I don’t want to get laid. (TWISTED PINE, Boulder, CO)

10 Aug
Going to CU for 4 years meant that we have become familiar with several of the small liquor stores in Boulder, and even if they didn’t carry a lot of craft beers, we would always notice the Twisted Pine as we passed it over for our 30 rack of Keystone Light. So, on a weekday night, we decided to take a trip up to Boulder to go to the Twisted Pine Brewery.

The taps are really cool- they're all made from Twisted Pine

We ended up getting there about an hour before closing, and besides the hillbilly party happening on the front patio, the place was deserted. After apologizing to the bartender for coming in so late and promising to be gone before it closed, we awkwardly took a seat at the table and ordered one of the larger samplers we’ve seen at a brewery.

AMAZING

What’s nice about the taproom is that not only are there generally specials going on most nights, but they also have a food menu. Sadly, there was no specials nor food the evening we were there (because it was so late). Dan looked like he was about to murder me and Lisa when our waitress informed us of the food situation, since the only reason he went was because we promised him a meal.
Instead, he had to settle for chips and salsa, which he ate as though his life depended on it.

Although, he's so skinny his life actually MAY have depended on it.

It was around this time what we realized he was wearing a Disneyland  t-shirt.

The most magical place on Earth!

This led to a LONG discussion about Disney, if it’s fun to go as an adult (its not due to the fact that there would be children EVERYWHERE), and Lisa asking why anyone over the age of 5 would wear a Disney shirt.
“I have a Disney shirt. But I wear it when I’m not planning on getting laid,” I said. And then it got awkward AGAIN. (And it’s true. The shirt is a pink tank top with really thick shoulders and I look like a linebacker lesbian when I wear it).
(If you’ve already used the “I have a headache” card this week try putting on a shirt that reminds a man of children and you’re off the hook for sex. –Lisa)
After consoling Dan that he wasn’t going to get laid that night by anyone (which almost turned out not to be true), we encouraged Lisa to continue drinking. It was taking so long to finish the samples that I started to get bored.

I hope there’s a coupon for a Disneyland vacation in here! 
Since I couldn’t drink very much because I was driving, and Dan refused to touch the samplers after we drank from them because we have cooties, it fell on Lisa’s shoulders to take one for the team and finish the beers. We challenged her to finish them before closing (which was about 9 minutes away).
15 beers. 9 minutes. Very doable. I’ll never turn down a beer drinking challenge even if vomiting is imminent. – Lisa

This was true dedication

She almost made it, and finished a minute after 9.

We attempted to get a picture of the hillbilly party, but instead ended up with what would make a fantastic engagement picture

Then we left to go get real food, and were sexually harassed while waiting at a light by a car filled with unattractive people. The girl in the front who resembled a well-groomed horse kept hooting at Dan, the one in the back kept making crying noises like a baby and we all looked horrified, especially when the one male in their car suggested that we do a lady swap.
One gentleman and 3 unattractive ladies ≠ one gentleman and 2 attractive ladies.
NO swap was made despite their repeated efforts.
As soon as the light turned green, we sped off, only to be stuck at the following light next to them again. To this day, if anyone mentions Twisted Pine the response is, “Oh yeah! That was the night that Julia was a shitty driver and we almost got molested. 3 times.”
If ever a justification to run a red light with cameras, this was it. -Lisa
Now, for the beers.

Boob Ratings

Blonde Ale – Crisp, light taste

Lisa – 3 boobs
Julia – 4 boobs

RM Wheat – Tastes the same as the blonde but with a little more bite in aftertaste which overall doen’t make it a very good beer

Lisa – 2 boobs
Julia – 3 boobs

Raspberry Wheat – This ACTUALLY tastes like the fruit it says it does ( take note Fort Collins Brewery Pomegranate Wheat beer).  This beer is pretty good for a fruit beer as long as you don’t have anything to compare it to. (Which, unfortunately we did because we’d been drinking Sea Dog Raspberry Wheat by the pool the previous weekend)

Julia and Lisa – 3 Boobs

American Amber – For an amber, this started off pretty good. It didn’t have that bitter, copper taste that ambers are known for. But it was a gyspy trick.

“I don’t hate it…. Oh wait. There’s the aftertaste”

Lisa – 4 boobs

Julia – 3 boobs

Hoppy Boy – This is the regular IPA of the brewery which would be ok had they not had their Hoppy Man Imperial IPA that was twice the beer that this one was. We’ll choose a man over a boy any day.

“That’s what happens when you get smarter. You like IPA’s”

Julia and Lisa – 2 boobs

Raspberry Espresso – This was a combination of their raspberry beer and also their expresso stout (hence, the name.) We were really excited about it, because who doesn’t love weird beer combinations? Unfortunately, the raspberry gets overpowered COMPLETLTY by the Espresso flavor.

Key takeaway from this beer:  A brewery should try to refrain from combining two beers into one even if they are fantastic standalone beers.

Julia and Lisa – 1 boob

Honey Brown Ale – Nice. Smooth. Nutty and Brown.

Julia and Lisa – 3 boobs

Creamy Style Stout – This was a good beer. It was dark and smooth and just slipped down your throat. Unfortunately, I dislike beers that have the word “milk” or “cream” in their name. Something about the texture is unnerving.

Julia: “I don’t like stouts that are too smooth”.

Lisa: “Prepare to be terrified”

Julia – 2 boobs
Lisa – 4 boobs

Espresso Stout – Strong Black coffee taste. We still have out doubts that this was actually a beer or not. If we could start our mornings off with this beer, we would.

Julia – 3 and a side boob

Lisa – 4 boobs

Blueberry Blonde – This is like eating a blueberry muffin except better. Anything is better with alcohol, especially baked goods. But seriously, the blueberry flavor was robust and lingered. And not in a bad way.

Julia – 4 boobs

Lisa – 4 and a side boob

Billy’s Chilies – Taste like a green chili burrito however it smells like butter. Anyone that’s ever ventured outside of the 3 refrigerators at a liquor store that contain the staple beers has probably seen this beer and didn’t know it was from this brewery. It barely says the brewery name on the bottle, and doesn’t follow the branding scheme but it worth trying if you’re in a daring mood. We also don’t recommend a 6-pack of these unless you have 5 friends to share them with or you are truly a Mexican that is sustained by spicy chili products.

3 and a side boob (mostly for creativity) 

Imperial Porter – AMAZING. So much alcohol but tastes like chocolate ice cream. 10.5%

Dark bitter taste. Thick like you could make pudding out of it. And who doesn’t <3 pudding?

Barelywine (Thunderstruck) – Sour, potent 9.5%

Julia – 2 boobs

The beer was named after an AC/DC song, so Lisa drank it in a rocker fashion.

Le Petit Saison – Stella glass. Everything we hate about hefferveisen beer.

1 MOOB 

Imperial IPA – Crown Jewel. Hoppy Man. Manly Strength. There should be a warning on this beer that it WILL dominate you.

Julia and Lisa – 4 boobs

Because we liked the Imperial IPA so much we wanted to have a represetative picture of the Hoppy Boy and the Hoppy Man.

A Lovely Evening Out Without Your 2.5 Children (Copper Kettle Brewery, Aurora)

4 May

After re-reading the blog and remembering how hilarious we were, mine and Lisa’s determination to drink was renewed, and we decided that it was time to come out of winter hibernation and hit a brewery. And seeing as a new brewery was opening down south, we thought that would be a good place to start.

Copper Kettle Brewery is  owned and operated by husband-and-wife team Kristen Kozik, the manager, and Jeremy Gobien, the brewer. They had been homebrewing for several years, with such a positive response to their beers that they decided to open their own brewery.

(For anyone that’s ever worked with their spouse I hope you realized that it is a horrible idea and bailed before you ended up single and/ or unemployed. Sadly for these two they didn’t, and now have to combine two of the what could be possibly the worst things in your life togeher: marriage and work. It could only be worse if they had their kids there too. –Lisa)

Located in an unsuspecting business park, we weren’t sure what to expect walking inside. In the past, it seems like most start-up breweries are more on the casual, bare bones side- meaning that there’s not much to see besides the basics of tables, chairs, a bar and taps. So we were pleasantly surprised at the décor of Copper Kettle. The space was fairly big, with lots of tables, and a very pretty copper bar that probably cost more than any one item in my entire house.

Behind the bar were shelves stocked with pint glasses and growlers, all with CK’s logo. The bartenders all had matching shirts which in NO WAY helped that EVERY person working had a twin! Doppelgangers galore! (We spent half the evening playing ‘Guess Which Ones are the Owners’ which was harder than it seems because everyone looked the same. –Lisa).

This phenomenon became more clear later when we later found out that rather than hire real bartenders they flew in all their siblings and siblings begrudged spouses, and moms that didn’t actually drink beer to work for them for the night. (Although it was really cute when Jeremy’s mom told us how excited she was, and how she used to try his beers he brewed in the garage.)

Overall, the place was impressive- in an “our golden retriever has a more golden coat coat than your golden retriever” kind of way. Clearly there was some serious cash and planning that went into opening the brewery, and so we had high expectations for the beer. (I mean c’mon, the brewer has a PhD. Nine years of schooling better make you be able to do something other than pay off student loans for the rest of your life. –Lisa)

The  beer selection was pretty expansive for a startup. There were six beers to try, and several more that would be available on tap the following weekend. We were disappointed that the Mexican Chocolate Stout wouldn’t be available until the 30th, but figured that it gave us a fantastic reason to come back.

It should also be mentioned that the beers came with place cards as if you were at a wedding. This also meant that they could easily be switched up (which they were) to trick you into thinking you were drinking a beer that you actually weren’t.

With the classy décor and wall decorations, this bar makes you feel like you just walked into someone’s living room who lives in the Westwoods/Ralston Valley area. You know, the type of people who have a sitting room AND a living room (or den, as they would call it, because that’s where the TV and unsightly children’s toys go).

Looking around, we felt out of place. In general, most of the time I feel like the type of person who wears nerdy glasses that are slightly askew and randomly has spaghetti, lettuce or some other sort of food in my hair. And that wasn’t the type of people there.

Everyone around us seemed to be in their late 20s-early 30s, and VERY suburban. These were clearly the type of people who had left their 2.5 children at their brand new, cookie-cutter house with a babysitter to enjoy a night out (and be home comfortably by 11).  These were the type of people who wouldn’t have an apartment, but instead a “loft” and enjoy art gallery openings and running.

"Your pearl necklace looks lovely with your beige sweater with a modest neckline"

This was a couple that was the quintessential patrons that night. Note the Columbia outerwear and their generic looks. As we took secret pictures, we created an elaborate backstory for them.

We decided their names were Dave and Sara, and that they had been married for about 5 years. He works in accounting, and she is a legal assistant. They own a dog-most likely a medium-sized mutt- that they got at an animal shelter. They recently moved to Aurora, because they want to start a family in the next year or so, and wanted a house for the kids to grow up in.

There were tours of the brewery, and by tours, we mean that people were lurking by the brewery door, and then the owner was kind of showing them around with a really excited look on his face.

We enviously looked through the glass as these people learned about the brewing process and ingredients

Kristin, one of the owners (but made clear on the website that she is second in command to her husband), stopped by and asked how the beers were. Instead of asking a bunch of witty and cool questions and telling her that we thought it was awesome that they opened such a nice brewery, we instead panicked and incoherently mumbled until she walked away (probably regretting opening a brewery because weirdos were attending her opening).

This was our reaction to the owner talking to us

Now, for the beers, which all had German names, which was delightful. Except for the Hefeweizen, because they are NEVER delightful.

Bavarian Hell’s Helles- This was a golden blonde lager, but we felt that the name was misleading. You would think that something with “hell” in the name would leave you feeling like you’d been punched by your beer. In this case, it was more of a casual lager.

“I’m giving it a four. And I don’t normally give blondes 4s.”

“That’s what she said.”

Lisa- 4 boobs

Julia- 3 boobs

Dusseldorf Altbier- This was a very bitter beer.

“Normally I would only give it 3 boobs, but because it has an unlau, I’m giving it a side.

2 and a side boob

Summer Ale- This ale was a light colored beer with an orange and coriander flavor. The best way to describe it is that it was a better tasting Blue Moon. Like a Blue Moon after you squeeze 2-3 oranges into it.

4 boobs

Copper Mezzina Ale- This beer was definitely interesting. We expected it to taste a little like sucking on a penny, which it didn’t at all. Instead, the aftertaste kept changing.

3 boobs

Saison Savoreaux- This is the beer that was the winner of the home brew contest. If that’s the case, I don’t even want to know what the other entries tasted like. This is their version of a hefeweisen, which meant that we hated it. It tasted like cloves and bananas and sweaty armpit, as was expected. We seriously don’t know why EVERY SINGLE BREWERY insists on making this type of beer.

“I don’t really know how to properly pronounce the name. But it doesn’t matter, because I won’t ever be ordering it again.”

1 boob

OTHER AWESOME THINGS TO NOTE:

  • Copper Kettle has a monthly brewer’s club. It’s simple- every time you buy a beer, you get a punch on a card, and then once you have enough punches you get your own glass, beer discounts, and invitations to exclusive events, like getting to try the beers early. This is the first time we’ve seen a small brewery do something like this and we thought it was a great idea.
  • One of the bartenders heard us making gagging noises as we drank the Saison, and he asked us what was wrong, then offered to get us a different beer if we didn’t like it.
  • Then he looked confused when we yelled at him and told him that we were going to finish it, even if it made us want to die.

Boobs on a Break

21 Apr

So, for all of our thousands of avid fans and also the people who accidentally stumbled upon this website while searching inappropriate things that have nothing to do with the blog (such as “drinking beer by pouring it on boobs” and “tiny ass thong”) you may have realized that this blog hasn’t been updated in a really really long time.

For which we’re sorry. It just seems like drinking is more fun when it’s warm out. But don’t worry, we have a renewed desire to drink, so all we need now is a new round of slutty summer shirts.

Check back soon, or subscribe to the blog to get the latest posts.

Beer Ice Cream: A(n) (a)rousing success

15 Dec

Forget what you think you know about your favorite ice cream flavor because we made a better one. All beer purchases are now made with the underlying thought of if they could be made into an ice cream flavor.

Every time I mentioned to people that we would be making beer ice cream, they look horrified.

“You mean you’re pouring a beer and putting ice cream in it? That sounds gross.”
(On a side note, thats a beer float which does exist for people that are too lazy to make actually beer ice cream and is essentially the adult alternative of a rootbeer float for people that have vices that include desserts and alcohol).

Apparently, my friends are mentally slow (and hopefully don’t read the blog). “Why on earth would we do that?” I asked. “And why would I be making a big deal about it?”

In fact, Lisa and I were NOT planning on pouring beer on our ice cream and calling it a day. We were planning on making ice cream from scratch. So we recruited a friend with an ice cream maker and got to work looking for a recipes.

This proved harder than we expected, as there were very few to choose from, and they all seemed complicated or weird. Finally, we found a fairly simple one on AllRecipes.com and then we of course didn’t actually follow it and guessed on all the measurements.

We chose a Breckenridge Vanilla Porter and Young’s Double Chocolate Stout for our two attempts.

(These were second choice as we actually wanted the TundraBeary from Tommy Knockers for out beer ice cream but its apparently been discontinued from every beer shelf in the state. Seriously, if you buy us this beer from the brewery we’ll probably give you a personal boob picture or at least let you have one of them, beer that it. –Lisa)

We picked these because they were heavier beers, which we thought would be better and very flavorful.

The first thing we did was pour the cream into a pot and heat it until it started to boil slightly, without burning it to the bottom.

(Men wouldn’t have any idea what its like to clean the bottom of a pan that’s been burned so if you end up doing this leave it in the sink for your girlfriend to take care of! –Lisa)

Since a watch pot never boils, I thought cheering it on (or looking inquisitively at it) would help

A cheered-on pot never boils.

Next, Lisa added the sugar, and stirred as slowly as possible, until we yelled at her to pick it up a little.

Next, you’re supposed to add whatever other flavoring you have, like chocolate chips, or , in our case, nothing but beer.

Why does Lisa look horrified?

(I actually look horrified because I’m the only one that saw the hair in the cream which made a fun game later of “Who got the hair?” in their beer ice cream -Lisa).

Because John was wasting beer!

After you mix all of the ingredients, you should be left with something resembling warm, creamy chocolate milk.

Dark beers in cans have a ball in them so avoid dropping it in the ice cream and killing one of your friends with a surprise bite of ice cream that they choke on.

Then, you put the mix into the freezer until it cools.

Lisa started getting artsy with her photography by dropping to the floor to take this picture.

This is to show how you cool something. By putting it somewhere cold. We recommend using a freezer. Especially when you're impatient.

Once the mixture has cooled, place it in the ice cream maker which in our case looks like  trash can. Then, layer ice and salt rocks around the canister in the ice cream maker to make a very cold trash can.

You have to do it one at a time, for both the ice and salt, or it doesn't work.

*Note, all of this goes MUCH more smoothly if you convince someone to do most of it for you. To make this happen, seem relatively useless, or screw things up. Acceptable lines include “Wait, can you show me that again?” “THIS IS TOO HEAVY” “Pleeeaaassse will you just do it? or “If you do this for us we’ll show you our boobs”"

I think we used a combination of persuasion and fuckups (and mostly boobs).

The Boobs supervised

Then, you wait for like 45 minutes for the ice cream to harden or solidfy or whatever you want to call it, but in all honesty who gets excited when things “soften”.

And then you end up with this!

Nice and hard...

We were initally a little concerned about what it would taste like, and I added sparkle sprinkles to distract from it, in case it was disgusting. It turns out it was unnecessary, because it was AMAZING.

We decided to call it Disco Beer Ice Cream, and John made an offhand comment about how John Travolta would enjoy it. After blank stares from Lisa and I, he feebly attempted to make a connection to Saturday Night Fever.  This however backfired and led to a 15 minute tangent about how the ice creams were going to Face-Off and that we hoped it created a Phenomenon.

Then we realized those were the only two Travolta movies we could name offhand, and looked awkward as we struggled to name any others.

Now, for the beer ice creams

John's comment: "This is great! Four boobs!

Vanilla Porter Ice Cream- This one had a frostier consistancy. The flavors of the porter were prominently on display, and there wasn’t much else there. It has a rich vanilla flavor, and the aftertaste from the ice cream is quite pleasant.

4 boobs

Chocolate Stout Ice Cream- There was somehow was twice as much of this, and it had a creamier and thicker composition. The flavors seemed to blend a little better, although both Lisa and John agreed that it tasted more like beer than the Porter ice cream.

4 boobs

RECIPE


DISCO BEER ICE CREAM (aka John Travolta Ice Cream)

  • 1 pint heavy cream
  • 1 (11.5 ounce) package bittersweet chocolate chips
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 6 pints stout beer (such as Guinness® but seriously you should get more creative with your beer choices)
    *Note*only one beer is actually used in the ice cream, the others are for drinking during prep
  • Sprinkles!!!
  • Directions

    1. Heat the heavy cream in a saucepan over medium-low heat until it begins to bubble. Remove from the heat and stir in the chocolate and sugar until melted. Slowly stir in the stout beer. Cover and refrigerate until completely cooled.
    2. Pour the chilled mixture into an ice cream maker and freeze according to manufacturer’s directions until it reaches “soft-serve” consistency. Transfer ice cream to a two-quart lidded plastic container; cover surface with plastic wrap and seal. For best results, ice cream should ripen in the freezer for at least 2 hours or overnight.

    ManBeer…for Metrosexuals (Bull and Bush, Denver)

    8 Dec

    Lisa and I decided we needed to go to a brewery with food, and since we’re quickly running out of Denver options (It’s going to be fun when we have to start taking weird road trips to places like Durango), decided to try out Bull and Bush.

    We had heard a lot of good things, so we were pretty excited. It’s a bar with a dirty name, so we figured it had to be awesome.

    (Aside from the dirty name this bar also features a logo that combines the Coppertone logo and mild child pornography. –Lisa)

    Those look like 2 little boys to me. Probably should be called Bull & Bull. This most definitely explains the "ManBeer".

    Yeah her bottoms are half down but she's not wearing a top at all!

    After inviting people, contemplating inviting people and then uninviting other people, it was just Lisa and me. Which Lisa tweeted about.

    Me_normal Limabo88: After contemplating inviting other ppl 2 accompany us to a #brewery tonite @jyugel & I decided a ladyhomosexual date was more our style.
     
    Again, my GPS felt the need to take us on a very roundabout path, through a suburban neighborhood. We finally reached the pub, which looked fun and delightful from the outside (and also like Hansel and Gretel might be inside), but kind of out of place in a very residential neighborhood. 

    It was self-seating, so we wandered until we found a table in the back where we were surrounded by several groups of middle-aged people who were excessively happy they were able to be out (which I enjoy because it makes me feel young and hip, even though most nights I’m home by 10).  

    The menu was vast and included everything from traditional pub food, to steaks to specialized burgers. Lisa and I decided to share a few appetizers, in true lady homosexual fashion, which was even more awkward to order, since we each also got a cup of french onion soup and everything we ordered involved cheese as a main ingredient. 

    We had so much delicious food, we thought it deserved a boob shot

    Unfortunately, the thing that was most memorable about this brewery was the AWFUL server we had. I waitressed for 5 years to get through school, so I know what it’s like. And what most servers will tell you is that we can be very understanding people, but I can also tell when people are just shitty at their job, and it makes me even angrier.

    Out of former server guilt and empathy, I’ll pretty much tip over 20% if you can remember to bring me my food. But something about this girl just made us want to hit her. It might have been her inability to do her job  AT ALL. This almost warranted a negative tip but since we’re both going to hell for a variety of other reason we didn’t think “not paying your beer tab” needed to be added to the list. 

    Waitress: “Do you know what you’d like to drink?

    Me: Well, we noticed there’s 7 beers, but the samplers come in threes. Could we do 2 samplers and get one other beer?

    Waitress: No.

    Me: Really? There is no way to do that? No way, that we could purchase one sampler for a dollar, or you could charge us for something and give us the extra beer?

    Waitress: No.

    Lisa: Okay, we’ll take these beers then and…

    (Waitress nods and walks off)

    Lisa: I was in the middle of a sentence, right? I clearly hadn’t finished talking, right?

    To make a long story short, it went downhill from there. Our beers were warm, we had to explain to her that instead of telling us what the beers were, she should set them on the sampler page, and I’m pretty sure she forgot about the second beer. 

    (I contemplated ordering the specialty cask beers on the menu but figured any deviation from the normal might result in no beers at all and I was thirsty. -Lisa)  

     At the end of the meal, our waitress told us we had her last pen. In true passive-aggressive form, I stole it.

    And cackled in the car about it. I SHOWED HER!!!

    As we sampled the beers, Lisa proudly whipped out her notebook and offered to take notes for the evening.

    "I have a notebook! I'm not going to use it, but I have one!"

    She actually writes upside down too, so that if you flip it, everything is correct.

    I offered to take over.

    We had to write holding our notebooks because there was no room on the table, with all the food we got

    After realizing we should probably start drinking our beer before we filled up on food, we got started. You’ll notice that one is in fact missing because you are NOT allowed to order beer samples in any interval other than 3.

    It took a while to get this shot, because we had to clear the table

    THE BEERS

    Happy Hop Pilsner- It tasted like a stronger Keystone Light. Which isn’t something anyone wants. Especially when it’s kind of warm. And it most certainly does not make anyone happy or like they want to hop when they drink it.

    “This is the worst.”

    Julia- 1 boob

    Lisa- 2 boobs

    Allgood Amber Ale- Ambers are something we struggle with sometimes. Most of them have a copper taste, like you’re sucking on a penny, which is something that neither of us enjoy. However, this one really was “all good”. No copper aftertaste, and just the right amount of bitterness.

    3 boobs

    Tower ESB- This was a gypsy beer. At first taste, it seemed okay. And then a few seconds after swallowing, the very very bitter aftertaste set it. We still have no idea what ESB stands for, and our suggestions aren’t funny enough to share. “Extremely Shitty Beer?” was the best one, so that should tell you something.

    “We don’t see these very often…which I’m glad about. Except that I forget that I hate them, so it’s always a terrible surprise.”

    2 boobs

    No Coast IPA- As IPA’s go, we like them to be bursting with flavor, and it’s what we expect. This one was weak. And not just weak, but bad weak, where all of the bad flavors seemed to be struggling to make themselves known on our delicate palates.

    “They should’ve just called it Gross IPA.”

    2 boobs

    ManBeer- This is supposed to be a citrusy, malty and hoppy beer. The flavors were more subtle than the other IPA, which we appreciated. However, it wasn’t what we would call a “man beer”.

    “They should’ve called it ‘MetrosexualBeer.’ That would have been more fitting.”

    3 boobs (but only because it’s still an IPA)

    Big Ben Brown Ale- Nutty flavor. Decent, nondescript beer.

    3 boobs

    Julia: What are you doing?

    Lisa: I was cleansing my palate with sour cheese

    Stonehenge Stout- had a great smokey flavor mixed with carmel. Decent.

    3 boobs

     

     

    Hey! I was expecting this to be regularly updated with new boobs (and beer!)

    19 Nov

    You may have noticed that the blog hasn’t been updated for a while. Both Lisa and I do a lot with social media, and we are well aware of the importance of regularly updating a blog to keep it interesting.  Unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped us from being lazy (although I’m going to blame it on my job and Lisa working to graduate next month). But we will get better and start regularly posting again.

    I promise there will be at least one new post next week. I swear on Breckenridge Brewery’s Vanilla Porter, which for some, is like swearing on their child or something else they find important.

    Until then, enjoy these pictures from the breweries we’ve been to up to this point, along with some of our other favorites.

    Bull and Bush (new post about it next week!)

    Back Country Brewery

    Breckenridge Brewery

    Walnut Brewery

    Fort Collins Brewery

    Fort Collins Brewery

    Breckenridge Beer Festival

    Coors Tour

    Why is the GPS Directing Us To A Dark Alley? (Great Divide Brewery)

    29 Sep

    We decided to go to Great Divide for two reasons- we needed somewhere close, and it was closer than Dry Dock in Aurora. My GPS had different ideas though, as it led us to a very sketchy part of Denver, with at least 3 U-turns and didn’t take us to the brewery at all. Or so we thought, until we learned that Great Divide is in a sketchier area. So sketchy you don’t have to bother paying the parking meter since your car will be stolen before you ever get a parking ticket.

    We should've taken a drink every time we saw someone who looked like they might've stabbed us.

    Even though it’s not in the nicest area, this is a great place to drink. They have an awesome selection of clothing, including hoodies, shirts and underwear).

    You can gauge how worthy the guys you're with are by seeing how they react to your panties

    While I was delighted, Lisa is still holding out for this shirt.

    As a comment on the site said, "No wonder she's banned. Look at the way she's holding that beer! She's going to spill!"

    Great Divide is a nice place to go drink at, thanks to the 4 free beer samples per person, which means that we didn’t have to pay for anything, except a tip to the bartender. They also have this sweet water keg, which I realized might be a glimpse into our futures.

    Since we're old and don't have parties or friends anymore, what should we use this keg for? How about water?

    Random other occurences from the night. We saw this man in short shorts.

    The picture doesn't do it justice

    We thought we saw an actual lady homosexual, and tried to take a secret picture, but we failed. (And by we, I mean Lisa’s latest manpanion failed.)

    I made fun of Lisa for how she pronounces “bull” and “bowl” the exact same way, so you don’t know what she’s talking about, unless she gestures.

    (You would think they she’d be able to figure out what I was saying by the context as we were taught to do in second grade. I don’t generally say “Hey, can I have a BULL of ice cream.” nor do I say “Where’s the BULL’s” as if she was keeping a herd of large furry animals in one of the cabinets in her kitchen.” – Lisa)

    Bull

    Bowl. Not BULL or vagina as it was pointed out that it looked like I was gesturing at.

    There was a rando Yeti on the wall.

    Seemed cooler when we were drunk.

    One of the beers definitely looked like someone jizzed in the cup, which led to a discussion with the greatest revelation a man can ever learn-

    Asking ladies for blow jobs (this includes the pushing her head down while you’re making out, and also outright asking) usually leads to no blow jobs, because we don’t like feeling like you’re forcing us to do it. Instead, men should turn it into some sort of challenge (ie. no woman has ever given me a good one, so I don’t expect much from you, etc) and you’ll probably get your happy ending.

    Better in a cup than on your face, I always say

    On to the beers.

    Lisa and I began arguing about who had better cleavage(which was neither). So you get two boob shots, and the men around us got a show.

    This was our conversation- "My boobs are bigger than yours, so I'll take the picture." "No they're not! I just have to pull my shirt down more!"

    Wild Raspberry- This was a decent wheat beer. We’re always apprehensive about fruit beers because most of the time they’re crap. However, this one actually tasted like raspberry! (What a concept!). It was good, but we compare all fruit beers to Tommyknocker’s Tundrabeary, so this was like a lesser version.

    “If it doesn’t taste like raspberry, I’m going to stab someone.” –Lisa

    3 boobs

    Claymore Scotch- This is a scotch ale named for some sword. First, it was kind of carmel-y, then it was smoky. Overall, pretty good, and a little different than most beers we’ve tried. It also doesn’t taste like butterscotch if that’s what you were wondering.

    “Wait a minute! This doesn’t taste like a sword!…Or scotch!!” –Lisa

    3 boobs

    Yeti Imperial Stout- This beer was kind of gross, and I enjoy most stouts. It tasted like you would think an unshowered Yeti would taste.

    2 boobs

    Smoked Baltic Porter- This porter has a subtle smoky flavor, which enhances the drinking experience, instead of making you feel like you walked into a forest fire. The official description refers to it as “smoldering” which made us want to drink it because it sounds like a sexy beer. Fun fact? It’s supposed to be eaten with veal.

    3 boobs

    Rumblewood IPA- It was finally an IPA that didn’t make me regret drinking it. However, that was because it was really weak, and didn’t have the usual burst of flavor that an IPA leaves you with.

    “It’s a lie that it’s an IPA”

    Julia- 3 boobs

    Lisa- 2 boobs

    Hoss- metallic aftertaste.

    “I hate it.”

    2 boobs

    Titan IPA- This one made up for their previous pathetic attempt at an IPA, as it was bursting with flavor.

    Lisa- 4 boobs

    Julia- 3 boobs

    Samurai- This is an unfiltered ale. There wasn’t much to say, as it didn’t have any taste.

    2 boobs

     

     

    Inappropriately making out with strangers? Check. (DOs and DON’Ts for Great American Beer Festival)

    13 Sep
    The level of happiness this inspires is more than Christmas, Disney World, and finding a basket of puppies on your doorstep combined.

    These puppies wish they were going to Great American Beer Festival

    The festival coincides with Denver Beer Week, which means that there will be beer-related events going on around the city all week. Here’s a list of the cooler things there are to do. Awesome events range from beer ice cream to beer movies to beer fly fishing (which is weirdly really expensive).

    As Lisa and I begin gearing up for the awesomeness that is GABF, I began imparting the wisdom that I learned last year to Lisa, since this will be her first year.

    Also, GABF is sold out, so sorry to all the suckers who didn’t get tickets in time. We’ll have a tiny sample of beer for you.

    The following are the DO’s and DON’Ts for having a wonderful experience at GABF.

    DO buy extra tickets early

    When the event inevitably sells out, people will be scrambling on Craigslist to get tickets and for some reason are willing to pay much more than the price you bought the tickets at. God bless price gouging.

    You can also buy tickets for friends/boyfriends in advance and sell them the day before the event for twice the price you paid. You’r going to lose a friend/boyfriend but really, what friend/boyfriend is worth more than $100 in your pocket?

    DO make a necklace of pretzels in advance

    When you’re drunk, it’s a nice surprise to have. If you get good pretzels, they can also be used for bartering. Lisa suggested that this year we make dresses out of pretzels. The jury is still out on if this would be a great idea or a terrible one. (By the end of the festival not only will you be full of beer and pretzels but you’ll be too drunk to even realize that you’re naked and covered in a variety of different people’s saliva. – Lisa)

    This was an amateur attempt. This year, the pretzels will be bigger, and there will be more.

    DO make sure to stay out of the way of cameras

    This is important for two reasons.

    1. You’re drunk. You’ll look like an idiot and whatever you have to say won’t be insightful (or even coherent, most likely).

    2. If you happen to be making out with someone who you aren’t dating, and the person you’re dating randomly happens to see you on TV, it doesn’t end well.

    DO get there early

    The lines get long really quickly, and the earlier you get there, the more time you have to make fun of idiot groups of middle-aged men who are all wearing t-shirts with dumb sexual innuendos on them. Also, the sooner you get in to get beer when the doors open.

    This is a shining example. Who comes up with this? Better yet, who is dumb enough to buy it?

    DO figure out your transportation/lodging in advance

    I would strongly suggest getting a hotel room downtown within walking distance or bribing one of your friends to come pick you up afterwards. Although a hotel is more expensive, it’s sometimes easier to book than it is finding a sober friend on a Saturday night (Or, if you’re Lisa, you gypsy-trick someone from your mantourage into chauffer duty).

    DO practice for the big day

    Although it seems like 2 oz samples of beer are going to take forever to get your drunk it’s not true. Prep for the event by having a five hour Power Hour with your friends for several nights leading up to GABF.

    Motivational threats are always a good way to practice.

    DON’T drop your beer. It’s humiliating

    Hilarious for all of the people around you as they boo you, but humiliating for you. Find some way to attach your cup to you. Create a necklace with a cupholder. Buy a rubber bracelet to put around it. Or, wear a shirt that creates just enough cleavage to keep your cup in.

    Practicing for the big event

    DON’T hit on guys at booths by telling them they look like Carson Daly

    This confuses/insults them and then they usually don’t give you free stuff. And in some cases, it turns out that they know your boyfriend and then it’s weird.

    I would take it as a compliment if someone told me I looked like a manorexic, ex-MTV VJ who has a talk show no one watches and clearly hates his life

    DON’T hook up with anyone at the end of the event

    When everyone is kicked out of the convention center, there is usually a large crowd gathered outside the entrance looking confused. Everyone has the Jersey Shore “Nobody is ugly after 2 AM” mentality, however it’s only 10 PM. Don’t let your beer goggles fool you, and avoid making out with anyone.

    Not only is this true, but you'll feel even more pathetic when you realize you picked up a grenade before 10.

    DON’T drink more at the bars downtown afterwards

    Because you will regret it in the morning. Just say no, and instead go home with the person you just met outside the festival, at least you know they have good taste in beer.

    See you all on Saturday!

    It’s a Lady Homosexual Weekend! (Breckenridge Beer Festival)

    25 Aug

    We decided to kill about 6 birds with drunk stones, and went to the Breckenridge Beer Festival. We were also surprised to find that we have friends that are girls, and convinced 3 of them to go with us. Since we were all staying in one room at the Holiday Inn (at a very cheap price thanks to Mandy’s friend) it was clearly going to end up being a lady homosexual weekend. Or, at least, that’s what a high number of males kept asking.

    SAMPLE CONVERSATION

    “We’re all going up to Breck this weekend,”

    “Oh yeah? If you’re all in one hotel room, does that mean you’re going to be drunk and sharing beds?”

    Our first stop on the way was to pick up Mandy, who lives in a neighborhood where there are always children. Or, at least we thought.

    No children here, except the sweet Baby Jesus

    Once we had checked in to our hotel in Frisco and meandered over to Back Country Brewery for lunch/pregaming we boarded the free shuttle to Breckenridge to get wasted at the beer festival.

    Here we met the first of our colorful cast of characters that eventually joined us for the rest of the day.

    Amber, Lisa, Mandy and Megan were all sitting in the back of the bus next to 3 skateboarding troubled youths, a guy missing half of his front tooth, a guy wearing neon yellow sunglasses and a guy who apparently got offended at being called a gypsy.

    As usual, a convo started up between everyone, with two of the guys claiming that they don’t pay their taxes. Seeing as this is one of the top signs of being a gypsy, a lot of name calling commenced.

    Lisa looked sad to be sitting next to Half-Tooth, who clearly smelled terrible, but still thought it was okay to talk to us. When someone mentioned the blog, we said we assumed he couldn’t read it because he clearly didn’t own a computer with Internet service. He whipped out his phone and said he could read it there.

    He then turned to his friend to start discussing whose lawn he was planning on camping out on that night.

    Thankfully since I was sitting next to him I couldn’t see that he had only half a tooth and got to sit ignorantly thinking he had a sexy hockey player beard and the horrible smell was from too much athleticism. Thanks to everyone else for ruining this for me.  – Lisa

    The other guy who had proclaimed that he didn’t believe in paying taxes (I don’t know why that concept offends me so much, but it truly does. We all have to pay taxes. It’s how it works) got miffed and stopped speaking to us when Amber called him a gypsy to his face. (I’m not sure why we were so surprise they didn’t pay their taxes since we did meet them on a vehicle of public transportation. )

    In the meantime, the guy with neon sunglasses (who we dubbed “New York” because that’s where he was from) started guessing where we would all end up at the end of the night. This is what he determined

    Megan: Probably lost in the woods

    Mandy: In jail, most likely for hitting someone

    Amber: Taking care of everyone else

    Lisa: Making out with random guys

    Me: Wildcard

    By this time we had reached the festival, so we said goodbye to everyone and went on our way, assuming we’d never see any of them again. Little did we know.

    The Beer Festival was glorious. Dozens of brewers from across the country were there with some of their most popular beers. Our cups looked like we were about to give pee samples, and the brewers had a lot of IPA’s.

    DISCLAIMER: If you expect this post to have anything beer related, you’re on the wrong post. We didn’t take a single note on beer. (It would have been impossible with the frequency in which we were re-filling our cups). The only thing we remember is that there was a delicious green chili beer somewhere and when they start to run out of beer nothing gets you to the front of the line faster than a nice rack.

    Thongs and Beer Festivals lead to Babies. It's just good marketing on their part

    We asked a man to take a picture of all of us.

    Man: “Which camera should I use? Yours or mine? Haha.”

    Julia: “Mine.”

    Man: “Can I take a picture to send to my wife?”

    Mandy: “Do you want to get divorced?’

    He must have really liked the view...

    We finally saw the elusive Firkin
    note: this is the only beer related term that will be used in this post

    Someone fell over it, dropped their beer, and everyone booed. I love beer festival comraderie.

    We learned that wearing slutty dresses has a purpose. You can keep your cup in your cleavage. I feel this will come in VERY handy at the Great American Beer Festival.

    Boobs are so useful.

    Too bad the beer being poured DID NOT GO with the beer in the cup

    Mandy somehow recognized New York from the bus, yelled at him, and then had him join our entourage for the rest of the day.

    And we took a picture with him, as though he was a celebrity

    Later, he and I traded sunglasses.

    We saw a man with a tramp stamp (Mamp-stamp), and chased him to get a picture of it

    He may as well have a bullseye tatooed there. To match the arrow he had tattooed about his penis. No, seriously.

    We decided to take a dip in the lake. And by decided, I mean that Lisa was a bitch, and threw my shoe in the water.

    And clearly she's kicking at it, to make it go further in

    I had to go get it

    I threw her cup in, in retaliation. Too bad there was no more beer, and it turned out to not be her cup.

    Then we all got in.

    (Directly following this picture was taken we all playfully splashed water on each other and then had to go back to the room and all undress and dry each other off….PSYCH!)

    Mandy ran in to her friend Fox, who was very nice, but had also recently “gotten back in to town” (I’ll let you decide what that means).

    Yes, his name is Fox and yes, he did have a tattoo of a Fox. (See below)

    He was also gentlemanly enough to let us take our blog’s first Guest Moob Shot.

    We believe in equal opportunities on this blog.

    After the festival. Fox bribed us with the promise of crepes, so we headed down the street to go to the crepes stand he worked at.

    Megan, Amber and I were walking slightly behind and all looked confused when we passed the crepes, and instead watched Lisa and Mandy head into a bar.

    Apparently they were just planning on going in to pee,  but the old men out front said that there was no way the two of them could get to the bar for drinks because it was packed and they themselves had failed. The girls took that challenge and said that if they did, the men had to buy them shots. Of course they were at the front of the bar about 5 seconds later.

    And then they had to buy us all shots.

    Us: 1Middle-aged men: 0

    After the bar, we headed to Breckenridge Brewery, where we were mean to the waiter, used stickers as pasties, and had a group bulimia session. We also convinced one guy to ALSO wear stickers as pasties, then referred to him as such for the rest of the night.

    Afterwards, while walking to the next bar, we asked Pasties how his pasties were.

    Pasties: “I took them off,”

    Lisa, Julia, Amber: “Booooooooooooo”

    He stormed off. If you couldn’t tell, we were really good at making friends. (Actually, I think at one point we counted the total of people we pissed off in Breck, and it took two hands to count, so we said we couldn’t ever go back).

    Amber lost her camera, so Lisa and I went with her to retrieve it while Mandy and Megan went with New York and Pasties.

    We got horribly lost, had no idea where they had gone. We drunkenly stopped to ask the guy sitting on the bench, texting.

    Benchie (as we began calling him) told us he had no idea where the bar in question was, but would we want to go to a Tool coverband concert instead?

    Lisa almost had a heart attack right there, as Tool is her favorite band in the world. Amber and I agreed to go, until we learned it was a $12 cover charge. However, we somehow gypsy-tricked the bouncer into letting us in for $6.

    As we stood waiting for the band to start, Benchie and his friend Squirrel (nicknamed because he had a skunk in the shape of a two on his shirt that I mistook for a squirrel) attempted to talk to us. Which led to

    THE GREATEST SHUT DOWN OF ALL TIME.

    Amber (flirtatiously): “I’m really thirsty. I wish someone would buy me a beer right now.”

    Benchie (without missing a beat): “Yeah? Well I’d like a blowjob right now, but we can’t always get what we want, can we?”

    Julia: “If she gives you two blow jobs, can I get a beer too?”

    He did end up buying us beers, then abandoned us to go play more with his phone. Squirrel wandered off, Amber and I got bored by the band and we went to find our friends, who were at a local dive bar.

    We found them taking tequila shots with MORE old men and playing pool. (Also, fun note, Megan started juggling pool balls. She has video of that, and, the entire trip, but we have decided to NEVER watch it). Based on momentary lapses in drunkeness we remember the following clips of video being taken; a few ass -flashings, a convo about drug consumption and REAL lady homosexual tendencies and a 360 view of the last bar we went to that we remember.

    We discovered this lobster on the outside of a Subaru.

    This is what happens when you drive drunk in the ocean.

    The word of the night was Twat-swatting.

    Twat-swatting (v.) – this is the female equivalent of cock-blocking. However, we only did it because some of us didn’t have our phones and it would’ve been difficult to find them in the morning. Normally, we don’t believe in twat-swatting, as we feel that all ladies should have the right to go home with whoever they want.

    Finally, on the way back to the car, someone knocked on the window of a school bus in a parking lot, which woke up the children who were sleeping in it. The last thing we heard as we drove away were their terrified screams.

    And with that, our ridiculous day came to an end, and we went back to the hotel, where we all braided each other’s hair, and had pillow fights.

    Ve had a Vonderful Time! (Vell, as much as you can in Fort Collins) – Fort Collins Brewery, FOCO

    20 Aug

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    Preface to this post is that we are very excited to visit the NEW location of the Fort Colllins Brewery and hope to make it up to their Grand Opening next weekend.

    After the hectic afternoon of trying to hustle our way into the New Belgium Brewery, then the constant heckling from the guide I had to endure and finally the hilarity of being mean to parents at breweries, we headed towards our next Fort Collins adventure.

    Bikes everywhere! You would've thought we were in Boulder, but with less civilization and more boring.

    After a brief stop at Odells, where we learned that tours last about 5 minutes (we missed it because we were five minutes late) we headed towards the elusive Fort Collins Brewery. It wasn’t until much later that we realized we were going to have to visit Fort Collins AGAIN to visit this Odell’s and the Anheuser factory. This statemtn alone is grounds enough to ruin the rest of our summer.

    This mystical brewery was never on our list. We didn’t even know it existed until about a month ago when I stumbled upon it on the 4th of July. I went to pick up beer for a BBQ at Total Beverage (one of the most magical liquor stores in the state, but that’s a completely different post) and while standing in front of the beer, was approached by some man, asking if I had tried the pomegranate wheat beer and if I’d like to sample some in the back.

    My friend and I assumed this was legit, and that he probably wasn’t going to rape and murder us in the back of the store, so we followed.

    (I’m really glad this was a legit back-room tasting that didn’t end in a double homicide because otherwise I would have to finish all the rest of these brewery visits on my own and there would be no one to document the trips with notes and pictures. – Lisa)

    The pom-wheat beer was from a small brewery in Fort Collins aptly named the Fort Collins Brewery. I excitedly called Lisa, and we added it to our Fort Collins agenda (because Fort Collins is only okay when you have a very specific purpose, plan and time of escape).

    We visited on one of the last days that FCB was located in a shanty, as they recently opened up a much larger facility. The tasting room was tiny, but the beer was pretty good.

    I'm excited to see the new facility

    At this point, we were pretty wasted, and there were no children around to harass, so our manpanions had to put up with our crap. (Since men and children are basically on the same level of maturity anyway this was essentially the same as harassing children but probably with less legal consequences).

    THINGS THE BOYS WERE HARASSED ABOUT

    1. Living in Virginia

    2. Having a beard

    3. Sweating (profusely)

    4. Why they don’t enjoy having secret picture montages taken of them

    5. Threats that if they keep offering opinions on beer, they’ll have to sit in the car

    5. The need to correct people when they may/may not be wrong

    Secret picture

    About 20 pictures later, when he realized I was taking secret pictures

    Lisa’s manpanion is a little more used to this type of drunken beratement from us, than my boyfriend is, so he knew to keep his mouth shut. My BF on the other hand, thought it would be a good idea to tell us that it’s not pronounced “Hefe-WEISAN” but instead “Hefe-VEISAN” which of course led to me and Lisa switching out our “w’s” for “v’s” for the rest of the afternoon (and thus, the title of this post.)

    The afternoon ended with a trip to Qdoba and the car ride home where everyone except Lisa’s manpanion fell asleep (which was good, because he was driving.)

    Lisa’s manpanion: “Everyone is asleep. You have to stay up and keep me company while I drive.”

    Lisa: “No. But you may put your hand on my knee as I sleep.”

    *Lisa passes out*

    Now, on to the beers.

    It's a rainbow of beer! (and boobs)

    You get two boob shots today, because we were both so slutty

    Chocolate Stout (or as I referred to it, Choco Stout. And if you personally know us, you probably know why I thought it was hilarious)- This was another solid beer. It was a little different that other stouts, as the chocolate flavor actually was distinguishable. Smooth, with a good aftertaste.

    Julia: 4 boobs

    Lisa: 3 boobs

    Hefeweizen- Not vonderful. Although, ve liked it more than ve do most hefeweizens. Filtered, and tastes like bananas and cloves.

    3 boobs

    Hellebock- It was okay, but kind of tasted liked baby food. (Interesting that baby food tastes “Okay” by our standards)

    2 boobs

    Colorado Common- This was called the “beer of the Earth.” Don’t know what that means? Us either. This is why we are only doing one brewery a day from now on, because our notes make no sense.

    3 boobs

    Kidd Lager- A very smoky beer, tasted like bacon. And as we all know, you can’t go wrong when something tastes like bacon.

    3 boobs

    Z Lager- beery and smoky. Tasted similar to the Kidd, except tasted more like beer and less like a BBQ woodfire grill.

    3 boobs

    1900 Amber Lager- This was the best comparable to Coors beer yet. Light, and delicious (for a Coors-like beer)

    3 boobs

    Major Tom- This is apparently the beer they’re known for. Pretty much just consisted of me singing, “Ground control to Major Tom…” then silence because that’s all I know.

    2 boobs

    Pomegranate Wheat- A sweet beer, although it didn’t taste like pomegranate at all. Like with yogurt, apparently this is a fruit that people throw around the name of, but don’t actually use in the food/drink.

    2 boobs (only because they lied)

    Retro Red- this beer was a looker and a taster. It was the best red so far.

    3 boobs

    Rocky Mountain IPA- This is an IPA that stays with you. “It’s still in my mouth. I think it’s filtrated into my saliva”

    Julia- 3 boobs

    Lisa- 4 boobs

    (I’m partial to anything with “Rocky Mountain” in the name and since this was an IPA it was marvelous – Lisa)

    And so we leave you with this picture of table groping.

    Get a room

    Lisa: “Can you two please stop groping each other under the table? The rest of us would like to keep our beer down.”

    Julia: “Well, that’s clearly the pot calling the kettle black here.”

    Lisa: “All I heard in that sentence was pot.”

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