Parking Your Porsche Diagonally = Not Getting Laid Tonight (DRY DOCK BREWING COMPANY, Aurora)

20 May

For those of you generally quit reading within the first paragraph and don’t ever make it to the description of the beer, this isn’t the post to do that on. If anything, stop reading now and skip to the descriptions.

For those of you that just go for the boob/beer pic, you’re lucky enough to get TWO shots this time,  so you might want to move on as well.

For the one reader we have remaining with the attention span longer than 47 seconds (who is probably either dating one of us or trying to) here’s the story with this brewery.

We visited Dry Dock Brewing Company after going to Crate and Barrel and picking out matching napkin holders. Actually it was Copper Kettle Brewing Company but the experience is pretty much the same. Needless to say, with no male tricked into driving us one of us had to drive (not me!) I was *forced* to drink almost all the beer so this brewery got a bit hazy for me and resulted in multiple instances of vomiting (You should pity her. Our nights generally end with me yelling “Drink! We don’t leave any beer behind!” She’s such a trooper. –Julia).

Most notably when driving up, this brewery had the douche of all douches at it.  A Porsche (not even a very good one) was parked diagonally across two spots so that no one could park by his car and it would remain scratchless. Naturally, since we’re assholes (especially when we’ve been drinking a bit), this display of douchery was not going to fly. (Should we have shown more empathy because the poor man probably had a small penis? Maybe. –Julia)

After first parking CORRECTLY in the spot next to him we decided it would be MUCH more fitting to follow his lead and ensure that Julia’s Honda Civic also did not get any door dings.

NO ONE TOUCH MY CAR!!

As we parked, then backed out to repark to ensure that we were no more than 6 inches away from his precious Porsche, we noticed a man that must have been The Douche get up and stand in the window to stare at us intently. His face quickly twisted with anger  when I hastily opened the door with no regard for what is certainly the only thing he has in his life worth anything.

If he hadn’t left before us I would have  force vomited right next to his car just for funsies. Instead, he left before us and Julia’s car was left alone. Making it look like she was either a terrible lady driver, or a TOTAL baller. (I hope that this made people question what was so special about my car that I felt the need to park sideways. –Julia)

What up bitches? That's right, this is a 1998 Honda!

After waiting at the bar for an unreasonable amount of time we were finally given two pieces of paper with a drawing of a paddle to write the names of the beers we wanted for our samplers. Illiterate people should steer clear of this brewery as you will leave defeated and thirsty. They give you the beer on a paddle with holes in it for the beers to fit in which is clever since the whole theme of the brewery is nautical related. Which led to me exclaiming by the end of the evening, ”This brewery is wonderful! And makes me want to f*ck a sailor!”

Rowing my way to a table to sit at

They have glass windows so you can see into the whole brewing area and see what happened to be the unfortunate brewer that was there when we were.

What's that? More secret pictures? This time of men with unfortunate hairstyles?

Since they had a lot of beers we had to take breaks in between drinking.

BREAK #1

Vomit break so I could keep drinking the rest of the beers (She politely and calmly excuses herself too. –Julia)

BREAK #2

Vomit break with some champion rallying so I could finish all the beers

BREAK #3

Checking out the hot bald bartender and trying to take a pic of him since a hot bald man is VERY rare.

This sailor got a formal invite to swab my deck anytime

There were a lot of beers to try so we had two paddles.

Beer Descriptions!

Breakwater Pale Ale- Not as bitter as most pales.
J & L- 2 boobs

HMS Victory ESB – We were worried it would be terrible since ESB stands for Extra Shitty Beer. It starts out good, but then the end wasn’t great. Very malty.

3 boobs- still awful, but better than other ESBs

U Boat Hefeweisen- Waves of disgusting. It took everything that we hate about these types of beer (banana and cloves) and somehow enhanced it.

MOOB. In fact, this beer was the Porsche of Moobs.

“Who likes the Germans, anyway? Except Matthew McConaghey. He’s hot and on a U-Boat.” (U571 reference)

Paragon Apricot Blonde - It smelled beautiful. The beer is light and delicious, and the apricot flavor tastes natural and overpowers your palate to just the right amount. As far as fruit beers goes this is a winner that even devout IPA drinkers (like myself) will admire.

4 AND A SIDE BOOBS

“I wish I knew what a paragon was. I want to have sex with it.”

HMS Old Ale - In general, we don’t like things that are old. That was just a phase. One that we realized wasn’t going to work out because either they tricked us into thinking they were fun but turned out to be 30 and boring, or that they wanted to have children and settle down and THAT certainly wasn’t going to happen. This beer tasted like raisins. Wrinkly old raisins.

2 boobs

Enterprise IPA- slightly hoppy. Not the best IPA, but nowhere near the worst.

3 boobs

Vanilla Porter- This beer BLEW OUR MINDS. It was like drinking vanilla extract. It was smooth and bursting with flavor.

4 AND A NIP SLIP

Double IPA - ??? We wrote nothing for this probably because we were both still speechless from the Orgasmic beer we had just had a small cat fight over who would get to finish it. (‘Why didn’t one of you just order that as another beer?’ you might be asking. I don’t know. Because. –Julia)

3 boobs

Belgian IPA- “I hate it. If I hadn’t just thrown up, I would have to now. It tastes like the swill of the Hefeweisen.”

MOOB

Pilsner- this is another beer that was just there. Don’t know if we’re just getting too used to specialty beers that we can’t tell when we come a cross a really good one anymore.

2 and a side

“It’s a pilsner. It’s a waste of time and water.”

Daywalker Ginger- This wins for the best name of a beer. It smelled like a spa (in a good way). It wasn’t bubbly and looked like juice. The ginger taste is strong. Good beer to swipe our Firk-card. At least we thought, until we realized that it wasn’t the Firkin Beer (It was a letdown that only sad virgins who don’t want to admit they’re virgins and pretend that oral counts as swiping their v-card then are found out and mocked know) .

4 boobs. This beer will need to go head to head with the Mountain Sun ginger beer.

We learned a valuable lesson about secret pictures at this brewery being that if the flash goes off, its no longer a secret picture. Especially when you’re sitting by the full length window and think it’s hilarious that there’s a guy smoking on a table while middle-aged women flock around him.

Standing on a table while smoking a cigarette does not make smoking any more attractive

13 Responses to “Parking Your Porsche Diagonally = Not Getting Laid Tonight (DRY DOCK BREWING COMPANY, Aurora)”

  1. Sheppy May 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    You have established that you don’t like Hefeweisens. This might seem like a stupid question, but I’ll ask it anyway: if you don’t like Hefeweisens … why do you keep ordering and drinking them?

    • petrolprincess May 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm #

      We’ve made a commitment to try every beer on tap at every brewery we visit even it its a Hefeweisen. We do also hold out hope that someday we’ll find one we can tolerate or maybe even enjoy. We generally get a sample of all the beers if available so we only get stuck with 3-6 ounces of the beer which we end up drinking anyway. There’s a no beer left behind policy at our brewery visits.

      • G-LO May 20, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

        Hmm… have you tried any German Hefe Weizens? Had an Ayinger on Sunday and it was fantastic! Paulaner and Franziskanner are good too.

        Welcome back to blogging!

        Cheers!
        G-LO

      • jyugel May 22, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

        Do German ones taste like armpit as well?

      • G-LO May 24, 2011 at 7:30 pm #

        Armpit??? To be honest, I don’t really know what an armpit tastes like. Kinda nasty ya know?

        As far as how the German Hefe Weizens go, I find them to be absolutely refreshing and delicious when you pick a good one. But wait… don’t take it from me. Here is a quote from our resident Craft Beer Guru (The Alemonger) about US vs European Farmhouse Ales and Hefeweizens:

        “So here’s my take on domestic Belgian Farmhouse style brews versus the real thing from the place that’s been doing them a bit longer and that also offers up a fair chocolate or two….

        They really have to be considered as two distinct styles and not compared directly against one another (despite the parallels). Usually, the American versions of classic craft beer styles are more aggressive, more irreverent, more muscular…more “American”. With some styles such as IPAs, the American attitude transforms the style – some would say – elevates the style (I’m one of them).

        Belgian Farmhouses and German Hefs are two of the few styles that tend to get a more subtle treatment on this side of the pond. In my experience, both styles are more flavorful and more robust in their home countries than they are here. American Farmhouse Ales tend to be a cross between Pales and Belgian Farmhouses (with the notable exceptions of Ommegang and Jolly Pumpkin which pride themselves on strictly adhering to traditional Belgian brewing processes). Southampton’s Bierre De Mars is a perfect example of the domestic Belgian Farmhouse style ale. It has most, if not all, of the classic flavor profile but the fuller flavors are more subdued – they blend into more of an American Pale profile. I also think Southampton uses a less assertive yeast which results in a naked horse as opposed to a blanketted one (or something like that).

        Anyway, I still enjoy Bierre De Mars though not nearly as much as many other domestic Farmhouse style brews – certainly not as much as I enjoy Saison Dupont or other real deal Belgian Foarmhouses – but, again, the direct comparison is unfair.

        Cheers!
        @TheAlemonger”

  2. Jen S May 22, 2011 at 6:04 am #

    This is hilarious! I look forward to reading about your brewery adventures.

    • jyugel May 22, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

      Thanks Jen! Glad you liked it!

  3. Steve Smerey May 23, 2011 at 7:22 am #

    Hi Guys!

    Please sign me up for the blog.
    Hope all’s well w/ you both!
    S

  4. AJ May 24, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    I HATE people who park their car like that!. I have to physically restrain myself from keying their car.

    Back in the day, I drove a very small car (Yugo type). B/c it was so small, I could park right up next to double parkers and still be within my space. And since my car was a beater already, no big deal if they ended up dinging it trying to get into the 3 inches i left on their driver’s side. My goal was to, at the very least, make them climb in from the passenger side.

  5. Stan aka NW Bearded Brewer June 4, 2011 at 9:44 am #

    You ladies are firkin hilarious! I love it! No beer left behind… two boot and rally moments… four boobs and a nip slip. Awesome!

    I’ll be watching for more posts… keep it up!

    Stan
    NW Bearded Brewer

  6. foodsweatandbeers June 25, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

    I’m glad, as a new reader, to find that even if you don’t like hefeweizens, you keep drinking them. for the sake of the reader, it’s nice to get someone else to drink the bad beers for you, or to at least explain why they are no good to you!

    Plus, if you just drank only beers you definitely liked, I can’t imagine there being too much point to writing a blog about rating beers. How would you even compare?

    • petrolprincess July 8, 2011 at 8:16 am #

      Well we do have a no beer left behind policy so that’s the reason for drinking the Hefeweizens. AND we both still hold out hope after countless disgusted faces after drinking them that someday we’ll find one we truly enjoy. Good suggestion on having someone else taste them to get a non-biased opinion of what they taste like. Unfortunately that would require us to become friends with someone that likes them or ask a rando at the brewery which would be hard since we don’t have a great track record of being friendly to most people on brewery visits.

      LOVED your blog! I like the secret attack pic of your friend and the monkey that appears to be covering someone’s uhhhhh….. johnson in the beach pic. Hilarious!

    • Sheppy October 6, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

      I guess I don’t see the point of a review on a beer of a style that the reviewer admits they don’t like to begin with. The fact that they don’t like this one doesn’t tell you anything.

      The Dry Dock Hefeweizen is NOT a bad beer. It it a multiple-award-winner and in fact just won gold at the GABF. It is, in fact, a very good hefeweizen.

      But, if the policy of the blog is to leave no beer behind, I am ok with it. If I ever read that these two like a hefe, that will be a hefe I will have to seek out to see what is wrong with it.

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