Archive | May, 2011

Parking Your Porsche Diagonally = Not Getting Laid Tonight (DRY DOCK BREWING COMPANY, Aurora)

20 May

For those of you generally quit reading within the first paragraph and don’t ever make it to the description of the beer, this isn’t the post to do that on. If anything, stop reading now and skip to the descriptions.

For those of you that just go for the boob/beer pic, you’re lucky enough to get TWO shots this time,  so you might want to move on as well.

For the one reader we have remaining with the attention span longer than 47 seconds (who is probably either dating one of us or trying to) here’s the story with this brewery.

We visited Dry Dock Brewing Company after going to Crate and Barrel and picking out matching napkin holders. Actually it was Copper Kettle Brewing Company but the experience is pretty much the same. Needless to say, with no male tricked into driving us one of us had to drive (not me!) I was *forced* to drink almost all the beer so this brewery got a bit hazy for me and resulted in multiple instances of vomiting (You should pity her. Our nights generally end with me yelling “Drink! We don’t leave any beer behind!” She’s such a trooper. –Julia).

Most notably when driving up, this brewery had the douche of all douches at it.  A Porsche (not even a very good one) was parked diagonally across two spots so that no one could park by his car and it would remain scratchless. Naturally, since we’re assholes (especially when we’ve been drinking a bit), this display of douchery was not going to fly. (Should we have shown more empathy because the poor man probably had a small penis? Maybe. –Julia)

After first parking CORRECTLY in the spot next to him we decided it would be MUCH more fitting to follow his lead and ensure that Julia’s Honda Civic also did not get any door dings.

NO ONE TOUCH MY CAR!!

As we parked, then backed out to repark to ensure that we were no more than 6 inches away from his precious Porsche, we noticed a man that must have been The Douche get up and stand in the window to stare at us intently. His face quickly twisted with anger  when I hastily opened the door with no regard for what is certainly the only thing he has in his life worth anything.

If he hadn’t left before us I would have  force vomited right next to his car just for funsies. Instead, he left before us and Julia’s car was left alone. Making it look like she was either a terrible lady driver, or a TOTAL baller. (I hope that this made people question what was so special about my car that I felt the need to park sideways. –Julia)

What up bitches? That's right, this is a 1998 Honda!

After waiting at the bar for an unreasonable amount of time we were finally given two pieces of paper with a drawing of a paddle to write the names of the beers we wanted for our samplers. Illiterate people should steer clear of this brewery as you will leave defeated and thirsty. They give you the beer on a paddle with holes in it for the beers to fit in which is clever since the whole theme of the brewery is nautical related. Which led to me exclaiming by the end of the evening, ”This brewery is wonderful! And makes me want to f*ck a sailor!”

Rowing my way to a table to sit at

They have glass windows so you can see into the whole brewing area and see what happened to be the unfortunate brewer that was there when we were.

What's that? More secret pictures? This time of men with unfortunate hairstyles?

Since they had a lot of beers we had to take breaks in between drinking.

BREAK #1

Vomit break so I could keep drinking the rest of the beers (She politely and calmly excuses herself too. –Julia)

BREAK #2

Vomit break with some champion rallying so I could finish all the beers

BREAK #3

Checking out the hot bald bartender and trying to take a pic of him since a hot bald man is VERY rare.

This sailor got a formal invite to swab my deck anytime

There were a lot of beers to try so we had two paddles.

Beer Descriptions!

Breakwater Pale Ale- Not as bitter as most pales.
J & L- 2 boobs

HMS Victory ESB – We were worried it would be terrible since ESB stands for Extra Shitty Beer. It starts out good, but then the end wasn’t great. Very malty.

3 boobs- still awful, but better than other ESBs

U Boat Hefeweisen- Waves of disgusting. It took everything that we hate about these types of beer (banana and cloves) and somehow enhanced it.

MOOB. In fact, this beer was the Porsche of Moobs.

Who likes the Germans, anyway? Except Matthew McConaghey. He’s hot and on a U-Boat.” (U571 reference)

Paragon Apricot Blonde - It smelled beautiful. The beer is light and delicious, and the apricot flavor tastes natural and overpowers your palate to just the right amount. As far as fruit beers goes this is a winner that even devout IPA drinkers (like myself) will admire.

4 AND A SIDE BOOBS

“I wish I knew what a paragon was. I want to have sex with it.”

HMS Old Ale - In general, we don’t like things that are old. That was just a phase. One that we realized wasn’t going to work out because either they tricked us into thinking they were fun but turned out to be 30 and boring, or that they wanted to have children and settle down and THAT certainly wasn’t going to happen. This beer tasted like raisins. Wrinkly old raisins.

2 boobs

Enterprise IPA- slightly hoppy. Not the best IPA, but nowhere near the worst.

3 boobs

Vanilla Porter- This beer BLEW OUR MINDS. It was like drinking vanilla extract. It was smooth and bursting with flavor.

4 AND A NIP SLIP

Double IPA - ??? We wrote nothing for this probably because we were both still speechless from the Orgasmic beer we had just had a small cat fight over who would get to finish it. (‘Why didn’t one of you just order that as another beer?’ you might be asking. I don’t know. Because. –Julia)

3 boobs

Belgian IPA- “I hate it. If I hadn’t just thrown up, I would have to now. It tastes like the swill of the Hefeweisen.”

MOOB

Pilsner- this is another beer that was just there. Don’t know if we’re just getting too used to specialty beers that we can’t tell when we come a cross a really good one anymore.

2 and a side

“It’s a pilsner. It’s a waste of time and water.”

Daywalker Ginger- This wins for the best name of a beer. It smelled like a spa (in a good way). It wasn’t bubbly and looked like juice. The ginger taste is strong. Good beer to swipe our Firk-card. At least we thought, until we realized that it wasn’t the Firkin Beer (It was a letdown that only sad virgins who don’t want to admit they’re virgins and pretend that oral counts as swiping their v-card then are found out and mocked know) .

4 boobs. This beer will need to go head to head with the Mountain Sun ginger beer.

We learned a valuable lesson about secret pictures at this brewery being that if the flash goes off, its no longer a secret picture. Especially when you’re sitting by the full length window and think it’s hilarious that there’s a guy smoking on a table while middle-aged women flock around him.

Standing on a table while smoking a cigarette does not make smoking any more attractive

A Lovely Evening Out Without Your 2.5 Children (Copper Kettle Brewery, Aurora)

4 May

After re-reading the blog and remembering how hilarious we were, mine and Lisa’s determination to drink was renewed, and we decided that it was time to come out of winter hibernation and hit a brewery. And seeing as a new brewery was opening down south, we thought that would be a good place to start.

Copper Kettle Brewery is  owned and operated by husband-and-wife team Kristen Kozik, the manager, and Jeremy Gobien, the brewer. They had been homebrewing for several years, with such a positive response to their beers that they decided to open their own brewery.

(For anyone that’s ever worked with their spouse I hope you realized that it is a horrible idea and bailed before you ended up single and/ or unemployed. Sadly for these two they didn’t, and now have to combine two of the what could be possibly the worst things in your life togeher: marriage and work. It could only be worse if they had their kids there too. –Lisa)

Located in an unsuspecting business park, we weren’t sure what to expect walking inside. In the past, it seems like most start-up breweries are more on the casual, bare bones side- meaning that there’s not much to see besides the basics of tables, chairs, a bar and taps. So we were pleasantly surprised at the décor of Copper Kettle. The space was fairly big, with lots of tables, and a very pretty copper bar that probably cost more than any one item in my entire house.

Behind the bar were shelves stocked with pint glasses and growlers, all with CK’s logo. The bartenders all had matching shirts which in NO WAY helped that EVERY person working had a twin! Doppelgangers galore! (We spent half the evening playing ‘Guess Which Ones are the Owners’ which was harder than it seems because everyone looked the same. –Lisa).

This phenomenon became more clear later when we later found out that rather than hire real bartenders they flew in all their siblings and siblings begrudged spouses, and moms that didn’t actually drink beer to work for them for the night. (Although it was really cute when Jeremy’s mom told us how excited she was, and how she used to try his beers he brewed in the garage.)

Overall, the place was impressive- in an “our golden retriever has a more golden coat coat than your golden retriever” kind of way. Clearly there was some serious cash and planning that went into opening the brewery, and so we had high expectations for the beer. (I mean c’mon, the brewer has a PhD. Nine years of schooling better make you be able to do something other than pay off student loans for the rest of your life. –Lisa)

The  beer selection was pretty expansive for a startup. There were six beers to try, and several more that would be available on tap the following weekend. We were disappointed that the Mexican Chocolate Stout wouldn’t be available until the 30th, but figured that it gave us a fantastic reason to come back.

It should also be mentioned that the beers came with place cards as if you were at a wedding. This also meant that they could easily be switched up (which they were) to trick you into thinking you were drinking a beer that you actually weren’t.

With the classy décor and wall decorations, this bar makes you feel like you just walked into someone’s living room who lives in the Westwoods/Ralston Valley area. You know, the type of people who have a sitting room AND a living room (or den, as they would call it, because that’s where the TV and unsightly children’s toys go).

Looking around, we felt out of place. In general, most of the time I feel like the type of person who wears nerdy glasses that are slightly askew and randomly has spaghetti, lettuce or some other sort of food in my hair. And that wasn’t the type of people there.

Everyone around us seemed to be in their late 20s-early 30s, and VERY suburban. These were clearly the type of people who had left their 2.5 children at their brand new, cookie-cutter house with a babysitter to enjoy a night out (and be home comfortably by 11).  These were the type of people who wouldn’t have an apartment, but instead a “loft” and enjoy art gallery openings and running.

"Your pearl necklace looks lovely with your beige sweater with a modest neckline"

This was a couple that was the quintessential patrons that night. Note the Columbia outerwear and their generic looks. As we took secret pictures, we created an elaborate backstory for them.

We decided their names were Dave and Sara, and that they had been married for about 5 years. He works in accounting, and she is a legal assistant. They own a dog-most likely a medium-sized mutt- that they got at an animal shelter. They recently moved to Aurora, because they want to start a family in the next year or so, and wanted a house for the kids to grow up in.

There were tours of the brewery, and by tours, we mean that people were lurking by the brewery door, and then the owner was kind of showing them around with a really excited look on his face.

We enviously looked through the glass as these people learned about the brewing process and ingredients

Kristin, one of the owners (but made clear on the website that she is second in command to her husband), stopped by and asked how the beers were. Instead of asking a bunch of witty and cool questions and telling her that we thought it was awesome that they opened such a nice brewery, we instead panicked and incoherently mumbled until she walked away (probably regretting opening a brewery because weirdos were attending her opening).

This was our reaction to the owner talking to us

Now, for the beers, which all had German names, which was delightful. Except for the Hefeweizen, because they are NEVER delightful.

Bavarian Hell’s Helles- This was a golden blonde lager, but we felt that the name was misleading. You would think that something with “hell” in the name would leave you feeling like you’d been punched by your beer. In this case, it was more of a casual lager.

“I’m giving it a four. And I don’t normally give blondes 4s.”

“That’s what she said.”

Lisa- 4 boobs

Julia- 3 boobs

Dusseldorf Altbier- This was a very bitter beer.

“Normally I would only give it 3 boobs, but because it has an unlau, I’m giving it a side.

2 and a side boob

Summer Ale- This ale was a light colored beer with an orange and coriander flavor. The best way to describe it is that it was a better tasting Blue Moon. Like a Blue Moon after you squeeze 2-3 oranges into it.

4 boobs

Copper Mezzina Ale- This beer was definitely interesting. We expected it to taste a little like sucking on a penny, which it didn’t at all. Instead, the aftertaste kept changing.

3 boobs

Saison Savoreaux- This is the beer that was the winner of the home brew contest. If that’s the case, I don’t even want to know what the other entries tasted like. This is their version of a hefeweisen, which meant that we hated it. It tasted like cloves and bananas and sweaty armpit, as was expected. We seriously don’t know why EVERY SINGLE BREWERY insists on making this type of beer.

“I don’t really know how to properly pronounce the name. But it doesn’t matter, because I won’t ever be ordering it again.”

1 boob

OTHER AWESOME THINGS TO NOTE:

  • Copper Kettle has a monthly brewer’s club. It’s simple- every time you buy a beer, you get a punch on a card, and then once you have enough punches you get your own glass, beer discounts, and invitations to exclusive events, like getting to try the beers early. This is the first time we’ve seen a small brewery do something like this and we thought it was a great idea.
  • One of the bartenders heard us making gagging noises as we drank the Saison, and he asked us what was wrong, then offered to get us a different beer if we didn’t like it.
  • Then he looked confused when we yelled at him and told him that we were going to finish it, even if it made us want to die.
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