Archive | September, 2010

Why is the GPS Directing Us To A Dark Alley? (Great Divide Brewery)

29 Sep

We decided to go to Great Divide for two reasons- we needed somewhere close, and it was closer than Dry Dock in Aurora. My GPS had different ideas though, as it led us to a very sketchy part of Denver, with at least 3 U-turns and didn’t take us to the brewery at all. Or so we thought, until we learned that Great Divide is in a sketchier area. So sketchy you don’t have to bother paying the parking meter since your car will be stolen before you ever get a parking ticket.

We should've taken a drink every time we saw someone who looked like they might've stabbed us.

Even though it’s not in the nicest area, this is a great place to drink. They have an awesome selection of clothing, including hoodies, shirts and underwear).

You can gauge how worthy the guys you're with are by seeing how they react to your panties

While I was delighted, Lisa is still holding out for this shirt.

As a comment on the site said, "No wonder she's banned. Look at the way she's holding that beer! She's going to spill!"

Great Divide is a nice place to go drink at, thanks to the 4 free beer samples per person, which means that we didn’t have to pay for anything, except a tip to the bartender. They also have this sweet water keg, which I realized might be a glimpse into our futures.

Since we're old and don't have parties or friends anymore, what should we use this keg for? How about water?

Random other occurences from the night. We saw this man in short shorts.

The picture doesn't do it justice

We thought we saw an actual lady homosexual, and tried to take a secret picture, but we failed. (And by we, I mean Lisa’s latest manpanion failed.)

I made fun of Lisa for how she pronounces “bull” and “bowl” the exact same way, so you don’t know what she’s talking about, unless she gestures.

(You would think they she’d be able to figure out what I was saying by the context as we were taught to do in second grade. I don’t generally say “Hey, can I have a BULL of ice cream.” nor do I say “Where’s the BULL’s” as if she was keeping a herd of large furry animals in one of the cabinets in her kitchen.” – Lisa)

Bull

Bowl. Not BULL or vagina as it was pointed out that it looked like I was gesturing at.

There was a rando Yeti on the wall.

Seemed cooler when we were drunk.

One of the beers definitely looked like someone jizzed in the cup, which led to a discussion with the greatest revelation a man can ever learn-

Asking ladies for blow jobs (this includes the pushing her head down while you’re making out, and also outright asking) usually leads to no blow jobs, because we don’t like feeling like you’re forcing us to do it. Instead, men should turn it into some sort of challenge (ie. no woman has ever given me a good one, so I don’t expect much from you, etc) and you’ll probably get your happy ending.

Better in a cup than on your face, I always say

On to the beers.

Lisa and I began arguing about who had better cleavage(which was neither). So you get two boob shots, and the men around us got a show.

This was our conversation- "My boobs are bigger than yours, so I'll take the picture." "No they're not! I just have to pull my shirt down more!"

Wild Raspberry- This was a decent wheat beer. We’re always apprehensive about fruit beers because most of the time they’re crap. However, this one actually tasted like raspberry! (What a concept!). It was good, but we compare all fruit beers to Tommyknocker’s Tundrabeary, so this was like a lesser version.

“If it doesn’t taste like raspberry, I’m going to stab someone.” –Lisa

3 boobs

Claymore Scotch- This is a scotch ale named for some sword. First, it was kind of carmel-y, then it was smoky. Overall, pretty good, and a little different than most beers we’ve tried. It also doesn’t taste like butterscotch if that’s what you were wondering.

“Wait a minute! This doesn’t taste like a sword!…Or scotch!!” –Lisa

3 boobs

Yeti Imperial Stout- This beer was kind of gross, and I enjoy most stouts. It tasted like you would think an unshowered Yeti would taste.

2 boobs

Smoked Baltic Porter- This porter has a subtle smoky flavor, which enhances the drinking experience, instead of making you feel like you walked into a forest fire. The official description refers to it as “smoldering” which made us want to drink it because it sounds like a sexy beer. Fun fact? It’s supposed to be eaten with veal.

3 boobs

Rumblewood IPA- It was finally an IPA that didn’t make me regret drinking it. However, that was because it was really weak, and didn’t have the usual burst of flavor that an IPA leaves you with.

“It’s a lie that it’s an IPA”

Julia- 3 boobs

Lisa- 2 boobs

Hoss- metallic aftertaste.

“I hate it.”

2 boobs

Titan IPA- This one made up for their previous pathetic attempt at an IPA, as it was bursting with flavor.

Lisa- 4 boobs

Julia- 3 boobs

Samurai- This is an unfiltered ale. There wasn’t much to say, as it didn’t have any taste.

2 boobs

 

 

Inappropriately making out with strangers? Check. (DOs and DON’Ts for Great American Beer Festival)

13 Sep
The level of happiness this inspires is more than Christmas, Disney World, and finding a basket of puppies on your doorstep combined.

These puppies wish they were going to Great American Beer Festival

The festival coincides with Denver Beer Week, which means that there will be beer-related events going on around the city all week. Here’s a list of the cooler things there are to do. Awesome events range from beer ice cream to beer movies to beer fly fishing (which is weirdly really expensive).

As Lisa and I begin gearing up for the awesomeness that is GABF, I began imparting the wisdom that I learned last year to Lisa, since this will be her first year.

Also, GABF is sold out, so sorry to all the suckers who didn’t get tickets in time. We’ll have a tiny sample of beer for you.

The following are the DO’s and DON’Ts for having a wonderful experience at GABF.

DO buy extra tickets early

When the event inevitably sells out, people will be scrambling on Craigslist to get tickets and for some reason are willing to pay much more than the price you bought the tickets at. God bless price gouging.

You can also buy tickets for friends/boyfriends in advance and sell them the day before the event for twice the price you paid. You’r going to lose a friend/boyfriend but really, what friend/boyfriend is worth more than $100 in your pocket?

DO make a necklace of pretzels in advance

When you’re drunk, it’s a nice surprise to have. If you get good pretzels, they can also be used for bartering. Lisa suggested that this year we make dresses out of pretzels. The jury is still out on if this would be a great idea or a terrible one. (By the end of the festival not only will you be full of beer and pretzels but you’ll be too drunk to even realize that you’re naked and covered in a variety of different people’s saliva. – Lisa)

This was an amateur attempt. This year, the pretzels will be bigger, and there will be more.

DO make sure to stay out of the way of cameras

This is important for two reasons.

1. You’re drunk. You’ll look like an idiot and whatever you have to say won’t be insightful (or even coherent, most likely).

2. If you happen to be making out with someone who you aren’t dating, and the person you’re dating randomly happens to see you on TV, it doesn’t end well.

DO get there early

The lines get long really quickly, and the earlier you get there, the more time you have to make fun of idiot groups of middle-aged men who are all wearing t-shirts with dumb sexual innuendos on them. Also, the sooner you get in to get beer when the doors open.

This is a shining example. Who comes up with this? Better yet, who is dumb enough to buy it?

DO figure out your transportation/lodging in advance

I would strongly suggest getting a hotel room downtown within walking distance or bribing one of your friends to come pick you up afterwards. Although a hotel is more expensive, it’s sometimes easier to book than it is finding a sober friend on a Saturday night (Or, if you’re Lisa, you gypsy-trick someone from your mantourage into chauffer duty).

DO practice for the big day

Although it seems like 2 oz samples of beer are going to take forever to get your drunk it’s not true. Prep for the event by having a five hour Power Hour with your friends for several nights leading up to GABF.

Motivational threats are always a good way to practice.

DON’T drop your beer. It’s humiliating

Hilarious for all of the people around you as they boo you, but humiliating for you. Find some way to attach your cup to you. Create a necklace with a cupholder. Buy a rubber bracelet to put around it. Or, wear a shirt that creates just enough cleavage to keep your cup in.

Practicing for the big event

DON’T hit on guys at booths by telling them they look like Carson Daly

This confuses/insults them and then they usually don’t give you free stuff. And in some cases, it turns out that they know your boyfriend and then it’s weird.

I would take it as a compliment if someone told me I looked like a manorexic, ex-MTV VJ who has a talk show no one watches and clearly hates his life

DON’T hook up with anyone at the end of the event

When everyone is kicked out of the convention center, there is usually a large crowd gathered outside the entrance looking confused. Everyone has the Jersey Shore “Nobody is ugly after 2 AM” mentality, however it’s only 10 PM. Don’t let your beer goggles fool you, and avoid making out with anyone.

Not only is this true, but you'll feel even more pathetic when you realize you picked up a grenade before 10.

DON’T drink more at the bars downtown afterwards

Because you will regret it in the morning. Just say no, and instead go home with the person you just met outside the festival, at least you know they have good taste in beer.

See you all on Saturday!

There's a DAM lack of boobs in this post! (DILLON DAM BREWERY, Dillon)

8 Sep
This was a record setting weekend.
  • Record number of guest boobs (6)
  • Record number of breweries visited in a 24 hour span (3)
  • Record number of beers tasted in one day (probably around 100)
  • And, for being at the Dillon Dam Brewery at 11:30 on a Sunday morning, the record for the earliest time to start a brewery visit.

I didn’t add that in to brag or to solidify the point that we do in fact have a serious obsession with beer because frankly that statement just makes us look like alcoholics. I really wanted to demonstrate with that point is both Julia and myself have an extreme dedication to this summer mission (we’ve both listed “dedication” as a personal strength on our resumes as a result of this).

After a long day of hanging out with a menagerie of strangers we had just met, two breweries and bar hopping, it wasn’t surprising that most of the members of our party were exhausted the morning after. Except for Juli and I. Just after waking up, Julia almost immediately began navigating our way to the Dillon Dam Brewery. The convo in the room went something like this:

Julia: “Ok looks like we’re only a few miles away from the brewery.”
Megan, Mandy and Amber: “There’s NO way I’m drinking today.”
Me: “I’m excited.”
Julia: “Me too. Get ready, we’re leaving.”

In general we try to stick to the “socially accepted” rule of no alcohol before noon aside from the occasional Bloody Mary or Mimosa but these were dire circumstances and we HAD to visit the brewery before we left. It was a really good thing we made time because this was one of the only breweries that we actually enjoyed EVERY beer.

That’s right, no sour faces, pictures montages of looks of disgust after taking a drink and no beers left undrank (which frankly has actually only happened one other time. We aren’t wasteful people when it comes to alcohol).

As Amber, Julia and I were sitting waiting for the beer to arrive, it was pointed out that I was still wearing my bracelet from the day before. Julia pointed out that it featured the DUI attorney’s number on it, just in case (we did have a LONG drive home).  We sat for about 30 minutes waiting for Mandy and Megan to show up (we were fairly certain that we had been stood up) which included several awkward conversations with our waiter, as we kept reassuring him  that we did need a table for six, and our friends would be there “any minute.”

While waiting, Julia and Amber decided to forgo any sort of real substance and instead order massive desserts.

Like this cobbler.

And this brownie. And they didn't share.

In stark contrast to Breckenridge brewery, our waiter was not only helpful but pleasant to be around. He only gave us 2 pitying looks about almost being stood up, and even offered for us to talk to the brewmaster. Instead our laziness led us to just take a picture of the brewing area where the brew master was probably at.

This was the ONLY brewery that I contributed anything more than dressing appropriately for the boob/beer picture and drinking the beer – I took two pictures! (And you won’t see either of them, because she can’t find them. Thanks for trying, though. –Julia)

Julia thought she should take a picture of me, taking pictures

The brewery was delightful because most things are just referred to as Dam. You could get shirts, cups, mugs, hats and pretty much anything with a dam inappropriate remark on it.

And now the beer, which as previously mentioned was VERY high ranking on our overall satisfaction of beers at breweries.

Delightful. All delightful.

Hefe weizen – This looks like a murky lake. Citrusy, like orange juice and beer . Only with a small armpit aftertaste.

4 boobs because it’s the only hefeweizen we like but we still don’t REALLY like it.

It merited its own picture, since we actually liked it.

McLurhr’s Irish Stout – Has nitrogen in it which gives it good head. Much more alcoholic tasting than other stouts.

4 boobs – pototent, powerful, flavorful

Sweet George’s brown – Tastes like a stout but not as smooth. Tastes like candy.
3 boobs

Extra pale ale – Full – bodied, nice flavor afterwards

Damn straight lager – Doesn’t taste like a lager. We finally found an Amber we like!

Lisa – 3 Boobs

Julia – 4 Boobs

Damn Lyte – Lightest in color, calories and alcohol.
“I already don’t like it because it’s light in alcohol.”

Bitter. More so than other pales.

Paradise Pilsner – Just kind of there. Not too notable.

2 Boobs

Wilderness Wheat: Hint of grassiness but still good.

3 boobs

There’s a DAM lack of boobs in this post! (DILLON DAM BREWERY, Dillon)

8 Sep
This was a record setting weekend.
  • Record number of guest boobs (6)
  • Record number of breweries visited in a 24 hour span (3)
  • Record number of beers tasted in one day (probably around 100)
  • And, for being at the Dillon Dam Brewery at 11:30 on a Sunday morning, the record for the earliest time to start a brewery visit.

I didn’t add that in to brag or to solidify the point that we do in fact have a serious obsession with beer because frankly that statement just makes us look like alcoholics. I really wanted to demonstrate with that point is both Julia and myself have an extreme dedication to this summer mission (we’ve both listed “dedication” as a personal strength on our resumes as a result of this).

After a long day of hanging out with a menagerie of strangers we had just met, two breweries and bar hopping, it wasn’t surprising that most of the members of our party were exhausted the morning after. Except for Juli and I. Just after waking up, Julia almost immediately began navigating our way to the Dillon Dam Brewery. The convo in the room went something like this:

Julia: “Ok looks like we’re only a few miles away from the brewery.”
Megan, Mandy and Amber: “There’s NO way I’m drinking today.”
Me: “I’m excited.”
Julia: “Me too. Get ready, we’re leaving.”

In general we try to stick to the “socially accepted” rule of no alcohol before noon aside from the occasional Bloody Mary or Mimosa but these were dire circumstances and we HAD to visit the brewery before we left. It was a really good thing we made time because this was one of the only breweries that we actually enjoyed EVERY beer.

That’s right, no sour faces, pictures montages of looks of disgust after taking a drink and no beers left undrank (which frankly has actually only happened one other time. We aren’t wasteful people when it comes to alcohol).

As Amber, Julia and I were sitting waiting for the beer to arrive, it was pointed out that I was still wearing my bracelet from the day before. Julia pointed out that it featured the DUI attorney’s number on it, just in case (we did have a LONG drive home).  We sat for about 30 minutes waiting for Mandy and Megan to show up (we were fairly certain that we had been stood up) which included several awkward conversations with our waiter, as we kept reassuring him  that we did need a table for six, and our friends would be there “any minute.”

While waiting, Julia and Amber decided to forgo any sort of real substance and instead order massive desserts.

Like this cobbler.

And this brownie. And they didn't share.

In stark contrast to Breckenridge brewery, our waiter was not only helpful but pleasant to be around. He only gave us 2 pitying looks about almost being stood up, and even offered for us to talk to the brewmaster. Instead our laziness led us to just take a picture of the brewing area where the brew master was probably at.

This was the ONLY brewery that I contributed anything more than dressing appropriately for the boob/beer picture and drinking the beer – I took two pictures! (And you won’t see either of them, because she can’t find them. Thanks for trying, though. –Julia)

Julia thought she should take a picture of me, taking pictures

The brewery was delightful because most things are just referred to as Dam. You could get shirts, cups, mugs, hats and pretty much anything with a dam inappropriate remark on it.

And now the beer, which as previously mentioned was VERY high ranking on our overall satisfaction of beers at breweries.

Delightful. All delightful.

Hefe weizen – This looks like a murky lake. Citrusy, like orange juice and beer . Only with a small armpit aftertaste.

4 boobs because it’s the only hefeweizen we like but we still don’t REALLY like it.

It merited its own picture, since we actually liked it.

McLurhr’s Irish Stout – Has nitrogen in it which gives it good head. Much more alcoholic tasting than other stouts.

4 boobs – pototent, powerful, flavorful

Sweet George’s brown – Tastes like a stout but not as smooth. Tastes like candy.
3 boobs

Extra pale ale – Full – bodied, nice flavor afterwards

Damn straight lager – Doesn’t taste like a lager. We finally found an Amber we like!

Lisa – 3 Boobs

Julia – 4 Boobs

Damn Lyte – Lightest in color, calories and alcohol.
“I already don’t like it because it’s light in alcohol.”

Bitter. More so than other pales.

Paradise Pilsner – Just kind of there. Not too notable.

2 Boobs

Wilderness Wheat: Hint of grassiness but still good.

3 boobs

What’s classier than putting stickers on your nipples? – Breckenridge Brewery (Breckenridge)

1 Sep

After a full day of mountain drinking we decided the best place to wind down would be none other than Breckenridge Brewery. We had heard a lot of good things about this brewery, especially their vanilla porter.

First of all, we’d like to say thanks to our guest boobs of the weekend, Megan, Mandy and Amber for joining us on one of the best weekends ever.

Now that's a handful

Upon arrival we did what any group of five girls would do; casually wait by the bar and wait for someone to get us beer. It worked. After a very unpleasant dealing with the hostess, who was really rude (Although it probably didn’t help that Amber and Lisa said loudly while she was in earshot that she was a bitch. –Julia) and a considerable wait for a table, we were finally seated (Although we had beer, so it was fine).

Our waiter was also pretty short-tempered

He made the mistake of bringing us a single Breckenridge brewery sticker. A small argument ensued about who would get to have the sticker, before we decided it would be much easier to simply ask the waiter for more stickers and save ourselves from a five-woman deep catfight/brawl. When we asked, the waiter rolled his eyes, but at least he brought enough stickers for everyone.

The following photo montage demonstrates what good use of these stickers we made.

I don't know why no one thought of this as a promotional idea yet

Miss Conservativve

But really as inappropriate as it may SEEM to put brewery stickers on your nipples, what better FREE advertising could any establishment want? (And really, as drunk as we were, and how slutty we were dressed, someone was bound to have a nip slip, had we not MacGuyvered ourselves a solution –Julia) .

As the men at the table that we didn’t know/had just met kept changing, it was difficult to keep track, and also really awkward when everyone left the table except for me, Amber, Julia and the man who was to be nicknamed Pasties.

Amber realized that Pasties had a Dale’s Pale Ale can around his neck. She asked if she could have it. Being the nice person that she is, she offered to show him a surprise if he gave it to her.

He said it depended on the surprise. So she flashed him.

Not what he was expecting

Then, we convinced him that he should put stickers on his nipples, too.

And he agreed?...

Us: 1 Breckenridge Hippies with nice teeth: 0

Other highlights of the night included:

  • A rather intense conversation about the perfect nipple (quarter-sized apparently) and the number one reason for guys wanting to put them in their mouths (because “they’re cute”).
  • A secret handshake that was SO secret we forgot it moments after making(obviously to ensure no one else would find it out). All we can remember say is that it involved some sort of high-five and a boob grab of some sort. At this point in the night it’s tough to say whose boobs exactly we were grabbing but they most likely weren’t our own.
  • Our least transient guest of the night, New York also had this, among many other things to add to the conversation. “What do you call 5 Mexican’s drowning?” — “Good News?”

We had our waiter tell us all of the beers on the sampler, then called him back to tell us again, and then finally made him draw a diagram so we could remember.  Based on said diagram, here’s the rundown of the beer ratings as we remember them.

Vanilla Porter: Very Vanilly. Pretty much like ice cream mixed with beer. Fantastic.

4 and a side boob (This beer is to go head to head with the other 4 ranked beers in the ultimate show down of beers to determine the true best 5 boob beer.)

Agave: Tastes like a wheat beer. Smells like tequila.

Julia: “If I wanted to drink tequila I would just drink tequila”

Me: “I’m excited for it”

3 Boobs

Summer: Summery, like a dandelion.

3 Boobs

Avalanche: Initial thought on this beer? “I hope it tastes like a Duchene because he’s a hottie”
Thoughts after drinking this beer? “If I was to lick a hockey player this is what it would taste like.”
A little salty
Julia – 3 boobs
Lisa – 4 boobs

Oatmeal Stout: Tastes the same as all other Oatmeal Stouts
3 boobs

Pale – Spicy Aftertaste.

Julia – 2 Boobs

Lisa –3 Boobs

Buddha – Cloves and Bananas, as usual. Tastes remarkably like Sweaty Betty from Boulder Beer, which is cool, if you’re into that.

2 Boobs

IPA – Very Strong, very intense

3 boobs

After our waiter circled our table about a dozen times, hoping to get us to pay and leave, we finally headed out. We were walking down the street joking about how we could never show our faces in that brewery again after our debaucherous activities, when Amber realized that she left her camera, and that we needed to go back before our waiter discovered it at our table and threw it away based on the tip we left him.

Julia, Amber and I headed back the brewery to retrieve the camera (which we did, with no help from the waiter who was a jerk about it) and realized that we needed a rally vomit if the night was going to continue. So we took a quick detour to the bathroom for a group bulimia session.

Conversation in the bathroom:

Julia: “C’mon Lisa, you can do it! I threw up twice already! Once you do, you’ll feel so much better!”

Me: “I can’t…I tried like six times, but it’s not working…”

This is friendship at its finest.

Overall awards for this brewery:

Least friendly

Brewery visited most drunk

Most number of vagabonds at our table

Most number of people to vomit in one bathroom at a time

Most creative use of stickers

Sadly, this was from a classier time in the evening

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