Archive | August, 2010

It’s a Lady Homosexual Weekend! (Breckenridge Beer Festival)

25 Aug

We decided to kill about 6 birds with drunk stones, and went to the Breckenridge Beer Festival. We were also surprised to find that we have friends that are girls, and convinced 3 of them to go with us. Since we were all staying in one room at the Holiday Inn (at a very cheap price thanks to Mandy’s friend) it was clearly going to end up being a lady homosexual weekend. Or, at least, that’s what a high number of males kept asking.

SAMPLE CONVERSATION

“We’re all going up to Breck this weekend,”

“Oh yeah? If you’re all in one hotel room, does that mean you’re going to be drunk and sharing beds?”

Our first stop on the way was to pick up Mandy, who lives in a neighborhood where there are always children. Or, at least we thought.

No children here, except the sweet Baby Jesus

Once we had checked in to our hotel in Frisco and meandered over to Back Country Brewery for lunch/pregaming we boarded the free shuttle to Breckenridge to get wasted at the beer festival.

Here we met the first of our colorful cast of characters that eventually joined us for the rest of the day.

Amber, Lisa, Mandy and Megan were all sitting in the back of the bus next to 3 skateboarding troubled youths, a guy missing half of his front tooth, a guy wearing neon yellow sunglasses and a guy who apparently got offended at being called a gypsy.

As usual, a convo started up between everyone, with two of the guys claiming that they don’t pay their taxes. Seeing as this is one of the top signs of being a gypsy, a lot of name calling commenced.

Lisa looked sad to be sitting next to Half-Tooth, who clearly smelled terrible, but still thought it was okay to talk to us. When someone mentioned the blog, we said we assumed he couldn’t read it because he clearly didn’t own a computer with Internet service. He whipped out his phone and said he could read it there.

He then turned to his friend to start discussing whose lawn he was planning on camping out on that night.

Thankfully since I was sitting next to him I couldn’t see that he had only half a tooth and got to sit ignorantly thinking he had a sexy hockey player beard and the horrible smell was from too much athleticism. Thanks to everyone else for ruining this for me.  – Lisa

The other guy who had proclaimed that he didn’t believe in paying taxes (I don’t know why that concept offends me so much, but it truly does. We all have to pay taxes. It’s how it works) got miffed and stopped speaking to us when Amber called him a gypsy to his face. (I’m not sure why we were so surprise they didn’t pay their taxes since we did meet them on a vehicle of public transportation. )

In the meantime, the guy with neon sunglasses (who we dubbed “New York” because that’s where he was from) started guessing where we would all end up at the end of the night. This is what he determined

Megan: Probably lost in the woods

Mandy: In jail, most likely for hitting someone

Amber: Taking care of everyone else

Lisa: Making out with random guys

Me: Wildcard

By this time we had reached the festival, so we said goodbye to everyone and went on our way, assuming we’d never see any of them again. Little did we know.

The Beer Festival was glorious. Dozens of brewers from across the country were there with some of their most popular beers. Our cups looked like we were about to give pee samples, and the brewers had a lot of IPA’s.

DISCLAIMER: If you expect this post to have anything beer related, you’re on the wrong post. We didn’t take a single note on beer. (It would have been impossible with the frequency in which we were re-filling our cups). The only thing we remember is that there was a delicious green chili beer somewhere and when they start to run out of beer nothing gets you to the front of the line faster than a nice rack.

Thongs and Beer Festivals lead to Babies. It's just good marketing on their part

We asked a man to take a picture of all of us.

Man: “Which camera should I use? Yours or mine? Haha.”

Julia: “Mine.”

Man: “Can I take a picture to send to my wife?”

Mandy: “Do you want to get divorced?’

He must have really liked the view...

We finally saw the elusive Firkin
note: this is the only beer related term that will be used in this post

Someone fell over it, dropped their beer, and everyone booed. I love beer festival comraderie.

We learned that wearing slutty dresses has a purpose. You can keep your cup in your cleavage. I feel this will come in VERY handy at the Great American Beer Festival.

Boobs are so useful.

Too bad the beer being poured DID NOT GO with the beer in the cup

Mandy somehow recognized New York from the bus, yelled at him, and then had him join our entourage for the rest of the day.

And we took a picture with him, as though he was a celebrity

Later, he and I traded sunglasses.

We saw a man with a tramp stamp (Mamp-stamp), and chased him to get a picture of it

He may as well have a bullseye tatooed there. To match the arrow he had tattooed about his penis. No, seriously.

We decided to take a dip in the lake. And by decided, I mean that Lisa was a bitch, and threw my shoe in the water.

And clearly she's kicking at it, to make it go further in

I had to go get it

I threw her cup in, in retaliation. Too bad there was no more beer, and it turned out to not be her cup.

Then we all got in.

(Directly following this picture was taken we all playfully splashed water on each other and then had to go back to the room and all undress and dry each other off….PSYCH!)

Mandy ran in to her friend Fox, who was very nice, but had also recently “gotten back in to town” (I’ll let you decide what that means).

Yes, his name is Fox and yes, he did have a tattoo of a Fox. (See below)

He was also gentlemanly enough to let us take our blog’s first Guest Moob Shot.

We believe in equal opportunities on this blog.

After the festival. Fox bribed us with the promise of crepes, so we headed down the street to go to the crepes stand he worked at.

Megan, Amber and I were walking slightly behind and all looked confused when we passed the crepes, and instead watched Lisa and Mandy head into a bar.

Apparently they were just planning on going in to pee,  but the old men out front said that there was no way the two of them could get to the bar for drinks because it was packed and they themselves had failed. The girls took that challenge and said that if they did, the men had to buy them shots. Of course they were at the front of the bar about 5 seconds later.

And then they had to buy us all shots.

Us: 1Middle-aged men: 0

After the bar, we headed to Breckenridge Brewery, where we were mean to the waiter, used stickers as pasties, and had a group bulimia session. We also convinced one guy to ALSO wear stickers as pasties, then referred to him as such for the rest of the night.

Afterwards, while walking to the next bar, we asked Pasties how his pasties were.

Pasties: “I took them off,”

Lisa, Julia, Amber: “Booooooooooooo”

He stormed off. If you couldn’t tell, we were really good at making friends. (Actually, I think at one point we counted the total of people we pissed off in Breck, and it took two hands to count, so we said we couldn’t ever go back).

Amber lost her camera, so Lisa and I went with her to retrieve it while Mandy and Megan went with New York and Pasties.

We got horribly lost, had no idea where they had gone. We drunkenly stopped to ask the guy sitting on the bench, texting.

Benchie (as we began calling him) told us he had no idea where the bar in question was, but would we want to go to a Tool coverband concert instead?

Lisa almost had a heart attack right there, as Tool is her favorite band in the world. Amber and I agreed to go, until we learned it was a $12 cover charge. However, we somehow gypsy-tricked the bouncer into letting us in for $6.

As we stood waiting for the band to start, Benchie and his friend Squirrel (nicknamed because he had a skunk in the shape of a two on his shirt that I mistook for a squirrel) attempted to talk to us. Which led to

THE GREATEST SHUT DOWN OF ALL TIME.

Amber (flirtatiously): “I’m really thirsty. I wish someone would buy me a beer right now.”

Benchie (without missing a beat): “Yeah? Well I’d like a blowjob right now, but we can’t always get what we want, can we?”

Julia: “If she gives you two blow jobs, can I get a beer too?”

He did end up buying us beers, then abandoned us to go play more with his phone. Squirrel wandered off, Amber and I got bored by the band and we went to find our friends, who were at a local dive bar.

We found them taking tequila shots with MORE old men and playing pool. (Also, fun note, Megan started juggling pool balls. She has video of that, and, the entire trip, but we have decided to NEVER watch it). Based on momentary lapses in drunkeness we remember the following clips of video being taken; a few ass -flashings, a convo about drug consumption and REAL lady homosexual tendencies and a 360 view of the last bar we went to that we remember.

We discovered this lobster on the outside of a Subaru.

This is what happens when you drive drunk in the ocean.

The word of the night was Twat-swatting.

Twat-swatting (v.) – this is the female equivalent of cock-blocking. However, we only did it because some of us didn’t have our phones and it would’ve been difficult to find them in the morning. Normally, we don’t believe in twat-swatting, as we feel that all ladies should have the right to go home with whoever they want.

Finally, on the way back to the car, someone knocked on the window of a school bus in a parking lot, which woke up the children who were sleeping in it. The last thing we heard as we drove away were their terrified screams.

And with that, our ridiculous day came to an end, and we went back to the hotel, where we all braided each other’s hair, and had pillow fights.

3 Simple Ways to Abort a Baby (BACKCOUNTRY BREWERY, Frisco)

23 Aug

If the title didn’t get your attention (and the attention of pro-life activists) then the pictures will. Our first brewery of the great Breckenridge brewery festival weekend with all three of our lovely guest boobs and the best view from any brewery we’ve visited BY far.

This is why mountain drinking is great

Thanks to guest boob Mandy, a former Summit County resident for telling us about this brewery, getting us to it and also for knowing Jason who very kindly got us a room to stay in for the night.

Backcountry is tucked away in the mountains, and has the perfect combination of good beers and good food. They have a variety of custom pizzas which were amazing.

No post is complete without a picture of the food we gorge ourselves on

They don’t have very many beers here (5 regular, 2 seasonal) but look what they DO have!

Pig growlers!

After graciously handing over the only beer that came with a orange to Megan (it’s her only form of birth control) the topic turned to accident babies and we heard what anyone suspecting an unwanted pregnancy would want to hear.

“Oh. no, its fine. I can take care of that for you.” –Mandy.

Turns out Mandy’s in the (earplugs for all you conservatives out there) abortion business! We immediately began asking questions, as she explained the three spectacular ways to “take care of it”.

1. Hot Tub - This is similar to what happens to a hard boiled egg but with less salt.

2. Stairs - Not too creative but effective noneless.

3. Get mugged - We probed quite a few times to figure out how this lead anything more than a loss of purse but the answer about how this could help with an unwanted pregnancy never really came out. (I think the point was that if  you’re pushed around enough, you lose the baby? –Julia)

Our waiter, who was very nice, REFUSED to take off his sunglasses the entire meal, which made us feel as though we were being served by a spy. A spy whose code name is Chilly Willy.

Amber yelled, "Thanks Chilly," when we left. He looked sad.

Amber concluded that he probably has a small penis, and just tells people its cold out.

(As a former server, I can only imagine what he did to earn that nickname. Especially for them to change his server name to that. –Julia)

Now, for the beers…

Look at the size of those...samplers

Wheeler Wheat- Nice wheat aftertaste. Served with an orange. It was very light and refreshing.

Julia- 4 boobs

Lisa 3 boobs

Telemark IPA- Light. In fact, it’s one IPA that we could drink a whole one. Usually IPA’s are a kick in the face. This was more of a light slap.

4 boobs

Peak One Porter- It smelled like nature, which odd for a porter. It also tasted like nature. Great beer for the outdoorsy types who like to incorporate that into their drinking.

3 boobs

Cask IPA- It did feel like a beer, and was very smooth for an unfiltered IPA.

Julia- 3 boobs

Lisa- 4 boobs

Switchback Amber- This was a good amber. It didn’t leave the normal cottonmouth aftertaste that ambers do.

3 boobs

Julia: I don’t like ambers.

Lisa (whispering to Amber): I think she’s talking about you.

Amber, after learning that no one likes her

Ptarmington Pilsner- This beer tasted like a rodent cage. You know, after you let it sit for awhile, and it’s filled with excrement and woodshavings. Picture that, but in beer form.

Me: “This tastes like rodents. I guess that’s why they named it ptarmington.”

Julia: “Ptarmingtons are birds.”

Me: “Whatever.”

1 boob

And finally, the WORST BEER WE’VE EVER HAD. EVER. 1 OUT OF 5 OF US DIDN’T PLAN TO VOMIT AFTERWARDS.

*Disclaimer- we loved loved loved this brewery. Except for this beer. This was the one bad thing about the place.

IF THERE WAS A MOOB RATING, THIS BEER WOULD’VE EARNED IT. WE LEAVE YOU WITH THE FOLLOWING PICTURE MONTAGE, OF US PASSING THE SAMPLE AROUND TO TRY.

Before...

...After

Ve had a Vonderful Time! (Vell, as much as you can in Fort Collins) – Fort Collins Brewery, FOCO

20 Aug

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Preface to this post is that we are very excited to visit the NEW location of the Fort Colllins Brewery and hope to make it up to their Grand Opening next weekend.

After the hectic afternoon of trying to hustle our way into the New Belgium Brewery, then the constant heckling from the guide I had to endure and finally the hilarity of being mean to parents at breweries, we headed towards our next Fort Collins adventure.

Bikes everywhere! You would've thought we were in Boulder, but with less civilization and more boring.

After a brief stop at Odells, where we learned that tours last about 5 minutes (we missed it because we were five minutes late) we headed towards the elusive Fort Collins Brewery. It wasn’t until much later that we realized we were going to have to visit Fort Collins AGAIN to visit this Odell’s and the Anheuser factory. This statemtn alone is grounds enough to ruin the rest of our summer.

This mystical brewery was never on our list. We didn’t even know it existed until about a month ago when I stumbled upon it on the 4th of July. I went to pick up beer for a BBQ at Total Beverage (one of the most magical liquor stores in the state, but that’s a completely different post) and while standing in front of the beer, was approached by some man, asking if I had tried the pomegranate wheat beer and if I’d like to sample some in the back.

My friend and I assumed this was legit, and that he probably wasn’t going to rape and murder us in the back of the store, so we followed.

(I’m really glad this was a legit back-room tasting that didn’t end in a double homicide because otherwise I would have to finish all the rest of these brewery visits on my own and there would be no one to document the trips with notes and pictures. – Lisa)

The pom-wheat beer was from a small brewery in Fort Collins aptly named the Fort Collins Brewery. I excitedly called Lisa, and we added it to our Fort Collins agenda (because Fort Collins is only okay when you have a very specific purpose, plan and time of escape).

We visited on one of the last days that FCB was located in a shanty, as they recently opened up a much larger facility. The tasting room was tiny, but the beer was pretty good.

I'm excited to see the new facility

At this point, we were pretty wasted, and there were no children around to harass, so our manpanions had to put up with our crap. (Since men and children are basically on the same level of maturity anyway this was essentially the same as harassing children but probably with less legal consequences).

THINGS THE BOYS WERE HARASSED ABOUT

1. Living in Virginia

2. Having a beard

3. Sweating (profusely)

4. Why they don’t enjoy having secret picture montages taken of them

5. Threats that if they keep offering opinions on beer, they’ll have to sit in the car

5. The need to correct people when they may/may not be wrong

Secret picture

About 20 pictures later, when he realized I was taking secret pictures

Lisa’s manpanion is a little more used to this type of drunken beratement from us, than my boyfriend is, so he knew to keep his mouth shut. My BF on the other hand, thought it would be a good idea to tell us that it’s not pronounced “Hefe-WEISAN” but instead “Hefe-VEISAN” which of course led to me and Lisa switching out our “w’s” for “v’s” for the rest of the afternoon (and thus, the title of this post.)

The afternoon ended with a trip to Qdoba and the car ride home where everyone except Lisa’s manpanion fell asleep (which was good, because he was driving.)

Lisa’s manpanion: “Everyone is asleep. You have to stay up and keep me company while I drive.”

Lisa: “No. But you may put your hand on my knee as I sleep.”

*Lisa passes out*

Now, on to the beers.

It's a rainbow of beer! (and boobs)

You get two boob shots today, because we were both so slutty

Chocolate Stout (or as I referred to it, Choco Stout. And if you personally know us, you probably know why I thought it was hilarious)- This was another solid beer. It was a little different that other stouts, as the chocolate flavor actually was distinguishable. Smooth, with a good aftertaste.

Julia: 4 boobs

Lisa: 3 boobs

Hefeweizen- Not vonderful. Although, ve liked it more than ve do most hefeweizens. Filtered, and tastes like bananas and cloves.

3 boobs

Hellebock- It was okay, but kind of tasted liked baby food. (Interesting that baby food tastes “Okay” by our standards)

2 boobs

Colorado Common- This was called the “beer of the Earth.” Don’t know what that means? Us either. This is why we are only doing one brewery a day from now on, because our notes make no sense.

3 boobs

Kidd Lager- A very smoky beer, tasted like bacon. And as we all know, you can’t go wrong when something tastes like bacon.

3 boobs

Z Lager- beery and smoky. Tasted similar to the Kidd, except tasted more like beer and less like a BBQ woodfire grill.

3 boobs

1900 Amber Lager- This was the best comparable to Coors beer yet. Light, and delicious (for a Coors-like beer)

3 boobs

Major Tom- This is apparently the beer they’re known for. Pretty much just consisted of me singing, “Ground control to Major Tom…” then silence because that’s all I know.

2 boobs

Pomegranate Wheat- A sweet beer, although it didn’t taste like pomegranate at all. Like with yogurt, apparently this is a fruit that people throw around the name of, but don’t actually use in the food/drink.

2 boobs (only because they lied)

Retro Red- this beer was a looker and a taster. It was the best red so far.

3 boobs

Rocky Mountain IPA- This is an IPA that stays with you. “It’s still in my mouth. I think it’s filtrated into my saliva”

Julia- 3 boobs

Lisa- 4 boobs

(I’m partial to anything with “Rocky Mountain” in the name and since this was an IPA it was marvelous – Lisa)

And so we leave you with this picture of table groping.

Get a room

Lisa: “Can you two please stop groping each other under the table? The rest of us would like to keep our beer down.”

Julia: “Well, that’s clearly the pot calling the kettle black here.”

Lisa: “All I heard in that sentence was pot.”

Lohaning our way through Fort Collins (NEW BELGIUM, FORT COLLINS)

13 Aug

**The Boobs would like to apologize for the inactivity on the blog. We went to too many breweries, then realized that it takes a lot of time to write about them. However, our vacations to Washington DC and San Diego respectively made us realize how lacking the rest of the country is for craft beers, and renewed our enthusiasm for our mission.

The first thing to note about New Belgium is that the tours run every 15 minutes 5 days a week and that you can reserve your tour time online. What this means is that the tours on Fridays and Saturdays fill up months in advance.

We went on a Friday, the day before my birthday as a part of Julia-Palooza (my weeklong birthday celebration) and because my boyfriend was in town and wanted to see it.

Of course I was running about 20 minutes late, so we were rushing to get to FoCo by the tour time.

REASON #1 FORT COLLINS SUCKS- BEER TOURS START PROMPTLY. UNLIKE BOULDER, WHERE YOU CAN LEISURELY JOIN A TOUR WHENEVER.

The drive up to FoCo was interesting. There was terrible traffic, which was not helping us getting there on time. We were also traveling next to a military convoy. Lisa’s manpanion (who was driving) refused to drive in a way that we couldn’t get a picture of the hot soldiers with guns.

This was the best Lisa could do

This was an especially whorish brewery tour, as I was THISCLOSE to a nip slip, and Lisa mistook a long shirt for a dress and therefore wasn’t wearing pants.

One step away from Lohan-ing it

*Note- Lohaning (v.) Flashing your cooter for everyone to see because you’re not wearing panties. Happens especially when drunk, and while getting out of cars.

When we arrived, it was well past our tour time. New Belgium keeps a girl in sunglasses underneath a tent in the front with a list of names for the tour. It’s like trying to get into a very trendy nightclub, which of course made it that much worse when we were rejected.

We asked Host if we could hop on the tour. She said no. She did suggest that we put our names on the waiting list for the tour that was in 15 minutes, although she said there were still no guarantees that we’d get to go.

We tried everything to schmooze. I told her it was my birthday. Nothing. We tried to get one of the males to go up and compliment. They just looked scared at the thought of talking to a girl.

(Good thing both Julia and I have perfected our talking to lady skills – something that comes naturally when you’re a part-time lady homosexual. – Lisa)

So instead we just lurked and waited until she started calling names. We were in luck, we got chosen which means we got stamps.

What a nice lady homosexual stamp

Then, we were excited to discover there was a celebrity in our midst, as the woman that the stamp was modeled after was also waiting to get on the tour.

She was terribly rude to Host. That's not how you treat someone with power.

While we waited, Host gave us tokens to get free beers. This was also the point that Lisa began making fun of me and the BF because of our outfits.

The kicker is that he watched me get ready, knew exactly what I was wearing then put on a matching shirt.

Really, Lisa was just angry that her manpanion wasn’t wearing a shirt to match her salmon dress shirt. Unfortunately, since we were in the middle of nowhere (aka Fort Collins) there were no nearby trading posts for us to buy him a new shirt at.

(This was really disgusting and I was upset that they looked like a pair of 5 – year old fraternal twins going to birthday party. – Lisa)

The tour was supposed to last two hours and they give you several beer samples along the way. The reason it was that long is because the tour guides TALKS AND TALKS AND TALKS. I forgot the notebook, so I was forced to take notes on a postcard, which means they were severely lacking. In fact, here is all that I took away from the tour.

“Tour guide tells really boring stories. I don’t care. Tour guide also appears to have a crush on the Lady CEO who is also a scientist. Is really in to bikes.”

(I think this was brought on by the disheartening feeling we had after being harassed at the very start of the tour, children being on the tour making noises so it was impossible to listen anyway and just the fact that we were in Fort Collins. – Lisa)

If you couldn’t tell, the tour guide and I did not hit it off right away, as he thought I was trying to take pictures of him, and stopped the tour to pose. I was actually trying to take secret pictures of the small girl who had really hairy arms, and had an awkward moment as I told him that I wasn’t trying to take pictures of him.

You know who doesn't care how beer is made? This kid.

He then decided to harass me for the rest of the tour, which, in turn made me dislike him more.

This has no relevance. We just thought it was cool they made a slutty dress out of beer.

The rest of the tour was pretty basic. New Belgium would be an amazing place to work because they give their employees the New Belgium bikes after 2 years and send you to Belgium after 5. However, we were undecided if it would be worth it, because to work there you’d have to live in Fort Collins.

The tour went through the entire brewing process from making the mash to bottling. The whole brewery does have a very fun and inviting environment.

At the end of the tour, right before the tasting room, New Belgium has a slide that everyone has the option of going down. The tour guide and an old man harassed me about going down it. Seeing as I was in a short dress, and didn’t really want to Lohan everyone, I politely declined. One opportunity that I clearly missed was that I didn’t lie and say I wasn’t wearing panties. That would’ve made them shut up.

Lisa decided to brave it, even thought she was wearing a shirt with no pants, but she went down first, so no one was able to get a cooter shot.

(Julia really missed out not doing this slide. I got two skin burns from the amount of skin-to- metal that happened, I had to put my bra back on afterwards because the force of going down it pushed it off completely and there were complaints from boys about it effecting their manly area. – Lisa)

We ended in the tasting room, where I managed to offend the tour guide again, and Lisa ruined a family’s day.

Tour Guide: “What could make the tour better?”

Lisa: “Well, I would really like it if there weren’t any children here because they don’t belong.”

Family of four standing next to Lisa looks horrified. Mom gives her a dirty look, while the Dad chuckles.

Dad: “Yeah, I agree.”

Mom: “This is a learning experience for children! Our daughter had to miss rock climbing today for this”

Lisa: “Seems that it would’ve been more appropriate and healthier to take her to that,”

And with that, our New Belgium Beer tour came to a close. Now, on to the beers. These descriptions are going to be lacking, because writing on a postcard leaves little room for description. We’ll have to revisit the rest of the beers when we journey back to Fort Collins to complete the Odells tour which we also missed because we were 15 minutes late to it.

Mothership Wit- 100% agave. Very cloudy. Takes just like Sweaty Betty, which is NOT a compliment. Lots of banana and clove.

2 boobs

Skinny Dip- this is a really generic beer. It’s not great, but not bad either.

3 boobs

Hagdorn’s Hellis- it’s a style of beer, not just the beer itself.

3 boobs

Sunshine Wheat- Lemony. Tastes like Lemon Zest.

3 boobs

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